The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to
Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter
himself. The gates are closed, however,and Forrest
approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good
to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform
you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been
administering an entrance examination for everyone. The
tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you
can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint
Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told
me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't
too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the
test I have for you is only three questions. Here is
the first: What days of the week begin with the letter
'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He
returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try
to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have
had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your
answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of
the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's
easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest,
that's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a
point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you
credit for that answer."
"How about the next one," says Saint Peter, "how many
seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and
thunk about that, and I guess the only answer with
twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January
second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're
going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite
what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one
too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says
Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name.
Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's
'Howard'?"
Forrest answers: "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, who
art in heaven, Howard be thy name..
Keep Scrolling There's More
Live Long
An elderly couple met their demise in an auto accident and were
transported to Heaven. As they were waiting to be processed, they began to look all around at their setting for eternity.
The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment
she felt, and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was, and how fortunate she felt to be there.
The husband sneered, "If it weren't for you and your damned oat
bran muffins & health food crap, we'd have been here 15 years ago."
Keep Scrolling There's More
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and
another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Keep Scrolling There's More
The death of Mr. Johnson
The preacher was chatting with his parishoners after services last Sunday.
Along comes Mrs. Johnson with her young son and daughter.
The preacher politely says, "Hello Mrs. Johnson, it's good to see you and your son and daughter. But where is Mr. Johnson today?"
"Mr. Johnson passed away last night," she says.
The pastor, a bit taken aback, replies, "Oh my goodness! I am so sorry! Were you with him when he passed on, Mrs. Johnson?"
"Yes I was," replies Mrs. Johnson.
The pastor is trying to console his parishoner. "Well, it's good that you could be with him when he died... and to be able to share those last moments with him..."
"Yes I guess it was," says Mrs. Johnson.
"Do you recall his last words?" inquires the pastor.
"Yes," she recalls, "He said, Martha please put down the gun!"
Keep Scrolling There's More
Christian Lady
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
