April 17, 1997 (12:49 a.m. 4/18/97) Beautiful child of yesterday, Your pain has been deep ad intense. You've been burned, dragged, and run to the ground. You are tired and are again ready to give up - and once again I urge you to hang on. Remember that beautiful evening of peace on March 4, as you sat on your bed looking over the candlelight out your streetside window. Listening to the cricket's cadence, enjoying the moment. Pain is a part of life. No matter how much you focus on learning how to deal with it, help others deal with it; no matter what you do to avoid it, it is still part of life, and the only way to get through it is just that. Experience it. The more mulling you do, the more you try to understand it the longer it will be before you will begin to feel less hurt, less loss, less sadness, less pain. Don't you see, all this time you are spending trying to understand, you are just avoiding the experience. I am right here as I promised I would be. And there are many others here for you too. Remember last night when Kimberly sat with you as you finally let the river pour out of your heart. You felt as though the world had come crashing down on you and look you are still here - still breathing and you even survived being with that source of loss today. Yes it too was painful, but you are only going to begin to feel better by 'surviving' these encounters. By facing your fears; of pain, loss, rejection, humiliation, betrayal. You are stronger than anything outside of your soul. Remember that day on spring break when you dumped in the Nantahala? You were being pulled down the river, over rocks and boulders, in choppy waters, with no control physically, and somehow you managed to dig deep down and find a way to beat the river and 'survive.' That trip, I fear you may have forgotten, was filled with many milestones for you. The scar on the tree, taking responsibility as an adult, making decisions and choices. What about the sayings on your t-shirts? "That which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger." and "Life is an adventure...or it is nothing at all." And you yourself said "Every fear we have is just one more chance for victory." So what do you say ? How about a vicotry dance? No your healing journey is not over; it may still be years, but that's ok. I'm not going anywhere - I promised remember. But I need you to stick around also. I love you, and without you there would be an even bigger hole than anyone could ever create by dropping out of my life. You are doing great - your tiredness, lethargy, lack of motivation, lack of appetite, are all ok. It is part of being human. Even your exercise schedule, and driving yourself to wee hours of the night to get by are ok. You are doing what you can to make it through this period in your life. It is ok to have conflicting feelings. Please remember to keep in touch with someone regarding those issues of conflict regarding dad - especially after calls lzike tonight. You felt so torn yet once again. How could this be the same man in those horrible flashbacks? You laughed and shared with him as any daughter would with her father. Do not get down on yourself , because even you deserve to have a loving relationship with your father. Perhaps it may be the way to put the past behind you. I know it is easy to want to trust that this time things are working out well, and I want you to know I will of course be here if things don't go quite as well as you expect them to . or hope for. I'm willing to be with you no matter what. Amanda, it's ok to be afraid; come out of your cave if you can and we'll talk about it. If you can't I 'll come in, but you need to talk, you need to help me understand what will help you. How can I help you be more compassionate, and understanding. How can I help you to trust, to reach out and ask for help. to let someone hold you when you cry, to lean on a friends shoulder and let them comfort you? I love you and I want you to know that you can experience these things and have every right to experience them. And you will. In fact you have, sometime at some point I am sure you have, but the truamatic events surrounding you perhaps prevented you from experiencing them fully. So many wonderful memories you have of grandpa - stop hanging on to your loss of him - let him go. Let go the house at 65 Newton road. This may be more difficult and will come in time - but I will hold your hand as you let go of these things. Just think of all the new and wonderful things you will be able to grab ahold of and experience once you are able to let go. In time my dear, in time. I am patient. And so are you perseverent. I have always admired your ability to make it through times I gave up on. to make it through situations in which I was sure I would die if not by my own hand, by someone else's. But like in the river, you persevered and fought for life. Now I am fighting for you. So how about that victory dance to celebrate the new and exciting things we have to look forward to? Open armed, waiting patiently with all my love for you. Amanda May 20, 1997 "i love you because in your heart i see simple beauty and quiet grace i love you because you have the gift of giving joy, because you know how to be a child sometimes... i love you because you invite me to grow with you, because of the gentle way you have touched my life, because - i need never doubt you." Thankyou little one for being so open and willing to step out of that dark and gloomy corner into the light. the light of truth, of love, of care and forgiveness, of understanding, warmth nurturance, acceptance, and most of all of the light of reality - your existence. May 27, 1997 Journal Excerpt: How uniquely interesting...a few days ago i was noting how i realized i was the one restricting what i could and couldn't discuss with your therapist...an issue of trust...i see now that something much bigger thb the acknowledgement of the abuse has occurred - much bigger even that accepting the abuse as my experience...i have begun to take the risks and trust others with me...being myself...being real...no more lies and secrets no more shadows - no more walls between me and those i love and want to love me - no more barriers no more questions about what is wrong - about not knowing how to help her daughter - honest - in a way i've never known before...i feel like over the last few weeks a warm and loving aura has begun to live inside of me and accompanies me throughout the day ... even though i struggle with this or that, it seems wonderful, wholesome, caring experiences are popping up everywhere...i laid my worries regarding friendships down and trusted that things would work out...in everything as well i kept and keep this notion that things will work out. June 15, 1997 My dear Amanda, i recently sent an email to a friend in which i shared some thoughts on healing and wanted to record them for you because there have been some rough times behind us and i am sure there are still going to be times we reexperience the hell you went through so long ago. My hopes are that you can looks back at this and remember that flashbacks, as horrible as they can be can also have a beautiful gift in them. i wrote : " recently i was told that healing is a journey not a destination. Until i was able to stop looking for the end of the road, i was unable to move forward in healing. No flashbacks don't feel like healing - not durng, not or right after, but as time passes, healing will come and grow with you as you take risks, yes RISKS, of learning to trust again. Be patient though, healing from the many experiences you have had is not going to happen overnight - it takes a lifetime. That is what i think i have finally come to realize. i hope this brings you a little encouragement and ability to look the next flashback in the eye and find the gift within it has for you...we all learn, grow and as we learn to forgive ourselves, we learn to forgive others. (i'm still working on forgiving myself 0h i hope that as you work through the issues regarding your childhood abuse, you will be able to see your own progress and realize that the flashbacks are necessary (never thought i'd say that either) for us to reach the point that we can look at what it has for us and decide if we want to accept or deny its existence and truth within. Once we can accept our own truth then we can begin to live!" Amanda, you have endured more than any child should have to endure, much less be exposed to. i admire your strength and ability to hang on through the original abuse and now through the healing process. If it wasn't for you i would not be able to continue healing and i want to thankyou you for reaching out for help. For reaching out for someone to save you from a life of misery or worse from ending your life of misery. Thankyou for striving to love again and giving trust another chance. You are beautiful. you are that spirit, that aura, that i sensed at the end of may, and i must apologize because i lost my connection with you. i got caught up in what would be happening in the future - camp, ending therapy with your therapist, school - and forgot that i needed to connect with you. Even after i promised not to leave you again. i made a mistake, and that is one of the biggest lessons i've learned and want you to always remember. Everyone makes mistakes. your sister, me, mom and Kevin, grandma, everyone, even your therapist. Nobody can be perfect. Nobody that is human at least. Remember what your therapist told me one the phone the other day "giving up the perfectionism allows you to embrace your humanity." Humans are imperfect. Humans hurt and make mistakes. Humans also laugh and cry, smile and get angry. Humans feel. And you are human; you too feel and deserve to feel the good along with the bad. You don't have to work so hard to be happy. Everything doesn't have to be 'in order' before you can relax or sit back and have a good time or a good laugh with a friend or by yourself. You are too precious to only let yourself experience the sadness and fear. i am proud of you for beginning to step out and experience the different feelings you have had over the last few weeks. Remember i am trying hard to remain here for you. i will not forget you, and i will never stop loving you. i need your help here with this loving bit. i see you and i love you for who you are - a human, and i mean it when i say i will never stop oving you, and yet when i look at myself in the mirror i do not love me, who i am. Even though i know you are a part of me. Maybe together, we can help eachother to et go of the perfectionism and embrace our humanity as one. As the individual that we make up. It won't be easy, and it will take alot of dedication and consistancy, but with comittment, together we can do anything. What do you say, we go out and knock em dead? i love you always and forever! Love, The child and human being of today - Amanda August 7, 1997 Journal excerpt : ...i am terrified. it hurts but i can’t stop. i don’t stop it. i have no control over it. i’m trapped. then it stops - sudden;y and i am alone. curl up into myself holding rocking ignoring the pain, the stickiness and sweat. crying silent tears while i wait. i wait for someone to come and help me...but eventually i have to get up and go home, find my way home. but what is home? where is home? who am i ? who was that? and why did he suddenly disappear? aware of woods - stream, wet pants, and a tiny body. i feel so little, so powerless. the forest is so big. i am so lost. so weak? i can be powerful. i want to give tjat child power. strength. Somehow she made it home. She found her way back and she continued to live.She survived because she is a survivor. She is a fighter hanging on at times to threads and even threads of threads but always hangs on. Two steps forward one step back, two steps forward one step back...i’ll stand on my own, all by myself. i don’t need anyone at all, i know i’ll survive - i know i will stay alive! That is what i will do - what i MUST do... ...Need to have faith. Must have faith. Need to love yourself. Your body, your ideas, and methodical processing, socialization skills... i love you dear Amanda - you are the light in my life. i live to fulfill your dreams - you can speak, i am your voice. you are my voice. You give me life. i love you!!! September 7, 1997 Journal Excerpt: ...i keep getting this idea that the young child within me wants to grow. to blossom - this scares me. i am afraid of her truth of what will happen. but how i long to be free from all this “containment” , constriction. The safe moderation.... February 23, 1998 Journal Excerpt: ...a hurt and broken child...locked in a dark and suffocating room. no labels. no more suffering in silence...no more loneliness...i am here. you are here. she reaches out to me - i reach out to you, to her. we allow the embrace. she begins to cry and so do i, although maybe not on the outside. Together in this moment we hold each other. We are there for one another - because we are all we’ve got. She’ll remind me how to have fun, and i’ll remind her how to accept herself how to be love..? Can i do that? Oh how we so need each other. i am there with you now. You are so lonely. Your heart bleeds for your friend...and yet you can somehow connect with her and your heart bleeds for you and i. For someone to be there for us. February 25, 1998 Dearest little one, You are so lonely. So am i. At times. i am scared to be alon because i have kept the door closed for so long things seem like they’re going to come plowing out when i open the door. i once had an everlasting love for you. and i think it’s still there somewhere. My heart aches for you. i see you huddled into a ball.Comforting, trying to comfort yourself and i want to hold you and make it all go away; but i know i can’t make it just go away, and your emotions are so deeply intense i get scared. No wonder you huddle. how scared you must be. How alone and isolated. You challenge me and others, my family, to look at truth at reality and choose whether to accept or deny it’s existence. Each time they deny it, a part of you dies and just the same each time they accept it, something within you is sparked to life - hope begins to grow again. But we’ve got to start living based on our acceptance of the truth - because those around and closest to me maynever fully accetpt and therefore you would be stuck in this continuous cycle of death and destruction. Being eaten away by false illusions of hope. i am working on accepting the terms of the incidents...yes it happened. incest. i was abuse. Yes there are many good memories but the truth still remains. You, my little girl, my sweet angel, were abused. You were hurt, broken and torn to pieces. Your image of daddy was shattered and now we’re both torn apart about how to deal with him day to day. You are going to be okay. We are going to make it. Together we can. Together we will. We are stronger as one. i love you...and i am trying...so hang on...for me. All my love i give to you... Amanda ... your child of today. A Response: April 10, 1998 3:30 am Dear Mother Amanda, Why do you avoid me? Am i that awful that you can’t stand to be around me? i just want to be loved by you. i just want you to care about me. to believe me. i know you do. you have before. i just don’t know what i did to turn you away so harshly, again... to leave me alone in the darkness of OUR house...because even as i sit here in this dark and dreary place where you have chosen to put me, so do you sit here with me. i want to go out and play in the sunshine under the bright blue sky and to feel the squishy grass on my babysoft bare feet. i want to swing into the trees and float down the rivers. i want to soar like the birds in the sky, but i can’t as long as you keep me chained up here in this hole of a house. not even a home. why do you hate me? do you really think it was my fault? i didn’t know what to do. i did the best i could. i was hurting, so i ran away. i didn’t know how it would hurt you now, then. i didn’t know...i’m sorry. so sorry i hurt you. i love you and just want to be loved by you. i want to have fun with you again. i want you to show me your favorite things, places. i want to be with you. by your side, in your arms...in your thoughts. i don’t want to be forgotten again...please don’t forget about me...i am still here. and you can try to starve me all you want, but i will hang on till the very end...i won’t die until you die and that would be a horrible thing to happen...there are so many people who love you, who want to see you succeed and be happy again...to “let go” of everything and to embrace life, love and happyness. to embrace the now. to live. to live today. Not yesterday or tomorrow, but today. this very moment. if you are sad and feel the tears let them go - i won’t run away from your pain. i am your pain. i know that i hold so much feeling for you, but that feeling is also joy and happyness and you have to trust me...yes me. trust this little kid. that i contain your joy as well as your pain. so cry, because with those tears comes lafter and anger and peese. cleansing. an emptying / letting go and freeing yourself. let your gaurd down for a day...let love in and see what happens, i know how scary that is... because i did it once and was almost killed. but i remember a time when there was only love...not really remember but just know it...you have to get back there. we’ve been there before. together even. in the hands of God, our creator...He loves us and, we are still in his hands. open up your heart, please, and let us back in. love, amanda, the little girl of yesterday