One day I gave up boundaries and that is all the pain.
I gave my family away and the yard with the hedge
Flourishing with the manure we spread so reluctantly every spring.
You moved from the neighborhood where we were raised,
Where every street and every tree was filled with feelings
That never go away. When you moved, I stayed
And remain until this day a boy on Maple Street,
Still looking for something in the woods.

Now the boundaries are gone and I know I must have them again,
The family dinner and the fence around the yard,
Children demanding the attention I never got myself,
And now give so reluctantly.
Of course I resent your tantrums and your whining;
You have made me your god and all your life,
You will ask me to make you happy.
Who will make me happy? Please. Not a word. Not a breath of advice.
I've heard it all. Who the hell hasn't by the time he's ten?

"I do not exist for myself, only to make others happy."
I am the horse in the meadow pulling at the plow,
Joyful with oats and hay and a moment's rest.
Tomorrow is another day--and tomorrow--and tomorrow!

Do not let go of boundaries--it is the path to freedom.
Beyond the fences and the numbered mail boxes,
Where identity does not come from familiar blankets
And friendly plates, where the smells are always strange.
You see I don't have a pew in the church
Or a hook in the clothes closet or a place in the park.
My tree is gone, my grass is covered with concrete,
My school is dismantled, the oven door is torn off,
My flag is tattered and the ocean is my land
Touching on every shore.

Of course I will return, there's no alternative.
Who can live without boundaries, without systems and schedules?
But I could not live with them. Cursed to wander. And blessed,
Until I could find my world reflected in a single heart.
So now I must find the sun and search out water,
Touch the air and seek out fire, taste the earth and cross fields
To suck the loneliness of mountains.
I will not be bound even if I die a stranger.
There must be another way to live than that tried by men,
Another way to die than the way my father died.

My arms move to knock down walls until I learn to build them.
I will not be surrounded by wallpaper when I want the trees,
I will not walk on rugs when I want the grass,
I will not splash in tub when I want the rivers.
But always I am afraid, afraid to lose the love I never had,
Afraid to let go of the affection I could destroy with a word.
Who has time for me as I am? Rude and afraid. Sullen and angry.
Listless and impetuous. Silent and confused. Joyful and sad.
Who has time or space unless I walk within the boundaries

Of black or white, old or young, day or night?

You see I am not white anymore, or black.

Hardly man and not woman, neither young nor old,
Neither wise nor foolish, not a success or failure!

Of course I am mad, as mad as the rest of men,
Only now I will let it emerge. Dogs sniff dogs as they pass,
Men only tremble inside and want what others have.

Thus I have hands with nothing to do,
Eyes which cannot understand what they see,

So I must settle into life and take it as it is.
Like hell! This time you will not calm my madness
With your righteous, soothing words. I will be off
To destroy myself if I will!

You will eat the right food and live longer
When you've never lived at all.
I don't want to go water skiing or ride motorcycles,
I don't want to run on the beach or go to parties.
I don't know what I want. Don't you understand?
A million voices told me what I should want, what they wanted,
And I have been a monstrous pretense, doing well what others wanted,
Until I don't know what I wanted myself.

I am such futility, and yet I know my futility is man,
Going where he doesn't want to go, doing what he doesn't want to do,
Eating when he doesn't want to eat, sexing when he doesn't want to sex,

Only afraid, because that's what he is.
And that's who he is. And that's why it's one big lie.
Because the fear is never told, and only shows
In greed and fantasy, in emptiness and murder.

And nations built on fear rise up to kill other nations.
The prices rise in pretense, as if higher wages lead anywhere
But to higher prices, where little thieves profit for a month or two
Until the other thieves find out, not because they are thieves,
And murder and war, not because they are murderers,
But because they are afraid, and afraid to say they're afraid.

So the cosmos becomes one big bravado and frightened men
Live desperately on the earth, passing the time, denying the fear,
Till only courage and strength, success and power have currency.
And one huge lie goes from pole to pole while truth withers and dies
Even as the men who seem to live.

For the only courage is to know I'm afraid.
To begin there. Perhaps to end there.
And never to lie again!

Copyright by James Kavanaugh -- From Sunshine Days and Foggy Nights