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Hey Everybody! |
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Welcome to my homepage, dedicated to my son, Michael, who I gave up for adoption, with deep regret, in 1969. Not a day has gone by since then that I haven't thought of him with love and a prayer for his wellbeing, but as well with an empty place in my heart that will only be filled if and when I can know his fate. I would like to also dedicate this page to the many adoptees and other birth parents the world over who are struggling to reunite, but in many cases with little or no help from their government or local bureaucracy!
Here is a photo of Michael when he was born. He had blonde hair and blue eyes, and was as cute as a button.
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He made his grand entrance into the world at 4:29 p.m. on March 25th, 1969, after 2 1/2 days of labour. He and I both decided to skip supper that day! I was only able to know Michael for the five short days of my hospitalization, but I did insist, against my social worker's recommendations, that I be able to see him and give him his feedings, and I remember these precious moments with joy. After I fed him, I would sit up against the headboard of the hospital bed and bend my knees up and prop Michael, all swaddled up in his blanket, against my knees, and then I would talk to him and kiss and cuddle him and adore him until that wrenching time when the nurse would come to get him and return him to the nursery. I cannot remember leaving the hospital, or saying goodbye. Perhaps my subconscious has kindly blocked that painful scene from my conscious memory.
The Ontario Children's Aid Society and the Adoption Disclosure Registry provide certain details of "non-identifying information" to the birth parent, upon request, about the adoption and the adoptive family, but it is now known the information given out by these agencies is not always correct. I was told:
"His birth was a normal one following a lengthy labour after a full term pregnancy. He was in good condition at birth, he weighed 7 lbs 11 oz and he was 20 inches long. When he was ready to leave the hospital on April 3, 1969 he came into the care of our society and was placed in a foster home where he was well cared for."
"When he was seen in our clinic on May 9, 1969 his weight was 11 lbs 3 oz and he had grown one inch in length. He was described as a 'lovely, active, fair skinned baby' who was developing a most appealing personality. At his clinic visit at the age of three months, he weighed 13 lbs 8 oz, and he was 22 1/2 inches long. He was doing very well."
"When he was last seen by our worker, he was described as a tall, sturdy boy with fair hair and blue eyes. He had begun to crawl at the age of five months and he was an active, happy child who had a 'sparkling personality and inquisitive nature'."
If you can help me in any way to find or contact Michael, please don't hesitate to do so by email or phone (613) 749-9502.
You may click here to see pictures of me and my family. We all hope we will one day be able to welcome Michael into the family too!
I have registered, as wishing to be reunited with my son, with the Ontario Adoption Disclosure Registry. They may be contacted at:
Any adoptee who was born in Ontario, and certain birth relatives of a child born in Ontario, may complete a form with the Registry indicating they wish a reunion. In the case of the birth relatives, no further action will be taken unless the adoptee registers requesting a reunion as well. Adoptees may register and request a search for their birth parent(s) and/or birth relatives be carried out, but the waiting list for such a search is now about ten years! If you feel as outraged about this as I do, please let your Member of Provincial Parliament or the Minister of Community and Social Services in Queen's Park hear about it! Please contact the Minister also if you would like to voice your opinion about why Ontario's adoption records should be open, as has recently been done in BC.
If you would like to receive a detailed response to your email message, you must include your postal address in your email. The Ministry also has the following forms available at their web site Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services:
If the adoption was handled by the Ontario Children's Aid Society, Adoptees and Birth Relatives may also request "Non-Identifying Information" concerning the adoption from the agency that handled the adoption.
Anyone wishing information about an adoption handled by another agency or outside Ontario should consult the "Adoptee Searchers Handbook" web site shown below.
Anyone from the adoption triad searching for an adoptee or birth relative in Canada may register and search at the sites below. It only takes a few minutes and there is no cost involved.
I am also registered with Parent Finders of Canada. They may be contacted at:
"Adoptee Searchers Handbook", by Madelene Ferguson Allen, an adoptee and a successful Canadian author, is an excellent, highly recognized and recommended on-line resource for searchers. At the site you will find chapters dealing with the following:
The Adoption Webring is the home page for the ring of over 300 adoption-related web sites dedicated to the best interests of adoption triad members (both in Canada and the US). This is an ever expanding ring of pages designed to allow web surfers to navigate to pages of other adoption sites just by clicking the "Back" and "Next" buttons found on each page. From any page in the ring you can click on a "Next" button to go to the next site, eventually bringing you back to where you started.
For many more Adoption Links, visit my Links page.
The following selections reflect both a birth mother's love for her child, and her distress at having to give up her precious infant, so that he or she might have a better life. I wish I could say I wrote them - I didn't, but I certainly understand the thoughts and feelings both authors express so well.
Adoption Disclosure Registry
2 Bloor St W, 24th Floor
Toronto, ON M7A 1B9
(416) 327-4730
Ministry of Community and Social Services
7th Floor, 80 Grosvenor Street
Hepburn Block, Queen's Park
Toronto ON M7A 1E9
Parent Finders Incorporated (Toronto)
PO Box 1008, Station "F
Toronto, Ontario M4Y 2T7
Phone: (416) 239-1168
Fax: (416) 465-8434
You had your eyes open a little while ago, but now you just want to sleep. I wish you would open your eyes and look at me. My child, my precious, my angel sent from heaven...this will be
the last time we are together. As I hold you close to me and feel your tiny body warm against my own, I look at you, and look at you...I feel as if my eyes can't hold enough of you. For a human being so small, there is a lot of you to look at...in such a short time. In a few minutes, they will come and take you away from me. But for now, this is our time together and you belong only to me.
Your cheeks are still bruised from your birth - they feel so soft to my fingertip, like the wing of a butterfly. Your eyebrows are tightly clenched in concentration. Are you dreaming? You have too many eyelashes to count and yet I want to engrave them all in my mind. I don't want to forget anything about you. Is it all right that you are breathing so rapidly? I don't know anything about babies - maybe I never will. But I know one thing for sure - I love you with all my heart. I love you so much and there is no way to tell you. I hope that someday you will understand. I am giving you away because I love you. I want you to have in your life all the things I could never have in mine...safety, compassion, joy and acceptance. I want you to be loved for who you are.
I wish I could squish you back inside of me - I'm not ready to let you go. If I could just hold you like this forever and never have to face tomorrow - would everything be all right? No, I
know everything will only be all right if I let you go. I just didn't expect to feel this way - I didn't know you would be so beautiful and so perfect. I feel as if my heart is being pulled from my body right through my skin. I didn't know I would feel so much pain.
Tomorrow your mom and dad are coming to the hospital to pick you up, and you will start your life. I pray that they will know how brave I have been. I hope they will tell you how much I loved you because I won't be around to tell you myself. I will cry everyday somewhere inside of me because I will miss you so much. I hope I will see you again someday - but I want you to grow up to be strong and beautiful and to have everything you want. I want you to have a home and a family. I want you to have children of your own someday that are as beautiful as you are. I hope that you will try to understand and not be angry with me.
The nurse comes into the room and reaches out her arms for you. Do I have to let you go? I can feel your heart beating rapidly and you finally open your eyes. You look into my eyes with trust and innocence, and we lock hearts. I give you to the nurse. I feel as if I could die. Good-bye, my baby - a piece of my heart will be with you always and forever. I love you...I love you...
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Once there were two women who never knew each other,
The first gave you Life
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you up...
And now you ask me through your tears
Neither my darling, neither - Just two different kinds of Love.
One you do not remember - the other you call Mother.
Two different lives shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star - the other became your sun.
and the second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for Love
and the second was there to give it.
One gave you the seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child...
And God led her straight to you.
The age old question through the years:
Heredity or Environment - which are you the product of?
Finally, I'd like to leave you with this thought:
"Some things arrive...
Gail Godwin
On their own mysterious hour,
On their own terms and not yours,
To be seized or relinquished forever."
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