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I've finally got the courage to create a memorial page for the baby I lost in March of 2003.
I know that most people who have not had a miscarriage can not understand the pain and don't know what to do to help people get through the heartache
I can say from experience that time is the only thing that heals the wounds and that no matter what nothing can ever take the pain of loosing a child away.
I know that it helped me to decide on a sex and a name for the baby I lost.
From about 7 weeks gestation the name Emily kept popping in my head.
I wasn't terribly fond of the name but it kept coming into my mind.
I had ruled it out for the baby's name until at 10 weeks gestation we found out that the baby had passed away in utero at 9 1/2 weeks.
I had always felt that this baby was a girl as did my husband and many of our family members.
I had to have a D&C on March 4, 2003 to remove my baby from my womb.
We were not allowed to get the baby's remains and burry her because we needed to have a funeral home involved in order to do that.
I was never able to hold or see my baby except on the two ultrasounds we had showing that she had died.
It seemed that without a name and without a sex the baby hadn't realy ever existed so in an attempt to help us know that she had existed we named her Emily
Giving her a name made her "real" to me and helped me to greve what I had lost.
For months my arms ached to hold her...my eyes ached to see her.
I still felt that I needed a permanant reminder to show that my baby had existed and that I would see her and hold her someday.
My husband, sister-in-law and I all got tattoos this past June (2003) to memorialize her.
Mine is on my back, it's a small teal and purple butterfly on the pant line.
Andy's is on his back, across his shoulders
I know that getting the tattoo would seem foolish to some but to us it was a way of always keeping our daughter with us.
I also found it helpful to search the web for other Moms without their babies.
I found these web sites were helpful to me:
The Church of the Holey Innocents
This site will put your baby's information into a 'Book of Life' and they send you a beautiful certificate to memorialize your loss.
The Pain Heartache and Hope site
This site has online memorials for unborn babies
This is a section of the Pain Heartache and Hope site that has other's stories of loss.
For many months I was numb. I could do nothing but work, watch T.V. (mostly the war in Iraq) and strange enough...crochet.
I made a baby blanket that I finished in Jan 2004.
For months I crocheted off and on, whenever I was feeling blue I would pick up the blanket and begin crocheting.
I made booties and bonnets and blankets to give away to other people's babys in between finishing this blanket but I couldn't bring myself to give this blanket away.
It was comforting to me that this blanket would be used to wrap my new baby boy (Wyatt born Feb 13 2004) in all the love that I was unable to give to my little girl.
For the rest of my life I will always remember my first baby, my Emily Francis.
She will forever be my baby girl and I will forever be her Mommy.
Not everyone deals with their loss in this way but this is the way that I have found to get me through the tough days.
Even now, I think of her constantly.
There is no, "things happen for a reason" or "you'll have another baby" that will ever make anyone's loss any better or any less painful.
Even when I held my son for the first time I had a twinge of regret that I can not hold his big sister.
She is part of who I am and even though I she was only 9 1/2 weeks old when she passed away she did exist and she was my daughter.
Thank you for letting me share my story with you.
Emily, Mommy loves you very much and you will always be my little girl. I will see you some day in the clouds of Heaven. For now know that you are part of my world, part of me and that your Nana's in Heaven will take good care of you until I can rock you softly in my arms. I will love you forever my sweet.
Index Love Our Home Family Wyatt Links Feel free to E-mail me at lunaemica@yahoo.com with any comments you have on my site. 
