Dear Francesca,

I'll be glad when this day is finally over. It has been bad from the beginning. Before the beginning, actually, since I had nightmares last night and couldn't sleep well. I woke up with having bit my mouth inside, my teeth rubbing against the raw flesh. I do this sometimes in my sleep. I hate nightmares. They often ruin my whole day in some way.

I went into work a bit later than usual. I felt depressed when I woke up and thought about calling in. Since I am working part-time and can work as many or few hours as I choose, I could do that. But I decided to get out of bed and go in. The morning didn't go well. I started feeling painfully self-conscious, and finally lost myself in work, forgetting. Then after lunch I began feeling depressed and feeling as if I had to get out of there. Thankfully, this happened about the time I had planned on leaving.

Franney, this is scary. I look back at most of this year and the shadows that I have lived in, dealing with depression in some form. On days that I have been feeling good, I look back at those days with awe, wondering how I survived sometimes, and when I did, what a tremendous drain of energy it took. Took just to survive, not to enjoy living. There was little to no enjoyment. So that is why I look at a day like today and fear that I could slip into the undertow and drown again. Or it could just be a bad day. I hope for the latter.

On a day I didn't feel good to begin with, my aunt has managed to irritate the hell out of me to boot. She has nitpicked at me all afternoon and evening. It began last night after she had gotten so upset, at what I still do not know. If she wanted to talk about it, I would be willing to listen, but I do not want to be the doormat. Franney, I want my own space uninvaded by someone who does not bother to knock and will not pick at me because I left cookies sitting out (especially since I have no damn cabinet space -- what am I supposed to do with them?) I hate getting so easily irritated. Her words instantly set a flame inside me again and again today. Why can't I just let them fall away, knowing that she is like that sometimes?

I am longing to go home. I need to get away, and I miss Boo and Polliwog terribly, as they are not yet here with me (the holdup is getting more of this junk out of the basement so that they won't get into things and possibly get hurt). Franney, wish me calmness for the remainder of the evening. I certainly need it.

Yours,
Hannah Iona