Dear Francesca,

In the past few days I have been reading a lot about manic depression. I want to know more about what I am up against. The likelihood that I will be dealing with it for the rest of my life is discouraging. Living my life on pills that dull me and fatigue me is not fun. I begin to wonder what parts of me are innately me, not the illness, not the effects of medication. I want to feel like a "normal" person, whatever that is. Unsettling moods make me feel so isolated from the people I encounter in daily life. I feel like an outsider.

All of this thinking and reading was prompted by me calling to find out about a support group. I am looking forward to going for the first time this weekend. It will be good to be among people who understand this illness firsthand. I hope I can learn more from this group, learn how to deal with this beast that robs me of security.

I went to church yesterday for the first time in months. I am spiritually seeking, but exactly what I am not sure. I felt like a fraud among these people who have their faith worked out. I believe in a divine spirit, but beyond that I have so many questions and doubts. My beliefs do not fit with any organized religion, or at least I haven't found it yet if it does exist. I wish I could believe more than I do.

Part of me that felt like being a fraud for being there was the part motivated to meet people, especially to find someone to date. That motivation was as strong or stronger than the desire to be there for spiritual reasons. I want to meet someone special so badly; I am embarrassed to admit the degree to which I want a boyfriend. But my therapist told me that there is nothing wrong with the desire for companionship; after all, it is a basic human urge. But I hate feeling so needy and knowing that I have so much baggage attached to me.

Yours,
Hannah Iona