Dear Francesca,

Last night I looked at journalling web sites. I found some with writing prompts that looked appealing. I wanted to write last night, but it was late. Today I sit down to write and feel a bit overwhelmed. Lately I always feel that what I write isn't good enough. I feel that I write the same things again and again.

Part of me keeps searching for answers to my problems elsewhere. I have subscribed to depression listserves and am trying to get an appointment with a therapist. I have read info on depression and bipolar disorder on the web. I keep searching for that one thing to magically make my mood lift, solve all my problems. Even though it's good to be seeking, I know I am putting off looking inside myself. And that manifests itself in ways such as indecision, boredom, sleeping too much, and so on. Anything to escape. I know at least some of the answer lies inside of me, but where?

Joseph Campbell said that "None of us has lived the life we intended." I know that I haven't. My intentions have been revised throughout the years, but they never seem to be what happens in real life. I thought that I would have a good job, one that I enjoyed and felt challenged by. But that hasn't happened yet. Illness invaded my job, which was less than ideal. I wonder if I would have liked it more had I not felt so bad so often. Now I feel like my work record will suffer after quitting a job after only being there six months. And I wonder if I can find work that will accomodate my health. Perhaps my health will improve and I won't need to worry about that. But right now the possibility of being in pain or mentally unstable loom so large, follow me around like a stray animal.

A recurring thought with me lately is the want of finding a partner. Sometimes I feel so alone. I fear that I may not be able to hold down a job outside the home, and I know I cannot live with my parents forever. I also think that perhaps I could be a stay-at-home mother. Of course I am not ready for a baby now, so I don't know why I think of this scenario so often. I wouldn't have a baby just to stay at home though, and I know a baby would be a lot of work. Right now I suppose I am just thinking of all the things that could happen since my life seems turned inside out right now.

Franney, thank you for listening to me. I am grateful for you always.

Yours,
Hannah Iona