Dear Francesca,

This week the black dog reappeared, her sharp angular teeth poised to puncture myself or someone else. I wanted something to shake the rage out of me, longed for a pill to swallow that contained calmness. Instead I bought a pack of cigarettes. No, Franney, I haven't started smoking again. I haven't had a cigarette since December.

I stood at the counter of the convenient store, waiting to buy a pack. My eyes were red from tears of anger and frustration. I stood behind a short woman who was paying for a 12 pack of beer with pennies. For God's sake hurry it up

Got home, sat in the dirty chair on the balcony, and lit one up. I stared into the greenness of leaves and listened to the birds. With nicotine and nature I began to calm down.

Why all the frustration and anger? Hmm...let's just make a nice, neat list -- bring some order into it. And we'll call it "Why Hannah Was Enraged, Distilled Into a Few Words."

1. The personnel department insists on punishing me for being sick. Someone in that department came down to talk with me Monday, pointing out the "course of discipline" for absenteeism, stating that anytime I missed, even just an hour, I have to have a doctor's note. This reeks of high school. Do I get detention if I forget my note? They do not seem to understand that endometriosis and fibromyalgia are chronic conditions that won't be going away soon. Speaking of my companions, I'd like to send them on a one-way vacation: Goodbye illnesses! Don't bother to write!

2. My boss called me in to talk with her before personnel lady got on her high school principal kick. She told me, "Don't rule out any options, including a hysterectomy. Maybe it's in God's plan for you to adopt a special child." And closed the conversation with "I know two people who are a lot worse off than you are." Since when did this become a contest for who has the most pain? I despise that type of "logic."

3. I had to keep calling and badgering the RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office to get the results of my MRI, which was done to check for adenomyosis, a disease in which little implants burrow into the uterine wall. My badgering went on for two days until I got my results. One has to be a pest in order to get the medical attention that should be there in the first place. The test results were normal, also the RE is still not completely ruling adeno out. I spoke with her more about Lupron, which she suggests as a possiblity -- I hope it doesn't come to that. She's giving me the old line that I don't need another surgery. My opinion is that I still have disease there (which causes pain), and I want it all gone.

The latter half of the week was a bit better. I saw my fibromyalgia doctor, who gave me a couple of medications. The pain medicine seems to have helped. If I could turn cartwheels, I would, for I haven't had a pain medicine that has been very effective at all until now. The other med has muscle-relaxing properties and makes me sleepy. I still wake up throughout the night several times, and during the day I long for my blue-sheeted, cat-haired bed.

I just heard a plane go over my apartment. I always feel a bit bittersweet when I look into the sky and see a plane. I get that old escapism gnawing at me, wanting to get away to another place.

G'night Franney.

Yours,
Hannah Iona