Jamie
was the second of my four boys. He was a planned baby, and we really
looked forward to a baby brother for our oldest son, Tim, who was 3 years
old. He had felt the baby move and was real excited. I knew in my heart
that is was another boy. My pregnancy was uneventful, till 5 weeks
before my due date. I went into labor, went to the hospital, and when my
doctor checked me, he got every one rushing around. I asked
if the baby was coming that fast, Tim had been fast, and all he said was
that there was a problem with the cord. They put me to sleep and
when I woke up, I was in recovery, my husband by my side. He started
to cry and told me that the baby didn't make it. He had been coming so
fast and had not dropped like a full term baby does, so the cord had wrapped
around his head and neck. They had tried to revive him, but couldn't.
My doctor said that my labor was so fast, that the baby was already in
the birth canal when he checked me.
I felt robbed. Here, I had carried this baby for almost 9 months,
gone through labor and had nothing. How would I explain this to Tim.
We had a sweet graveside service a few days later. We were able to
see our little baby and he looked just like he was sleeping, 5lb. 12oz,
and red-headed. At the advice of our minister, we allowed Tim to
view the baby with us, hoping it would help him to understand what had
happened to his baby brother.
The following August, we had David. When he was a couple of weeks
old, Tim asked if we could go to the zoo when this baby died. It
is amazing how little we know what is going through our little ones minds.
I moved on and sort of put Jamie aside, I didn't forget him, just didn't
want to dwell on him. A few years after we lost Andy, all the grief
I had held inside for Jamie came rushing back to me. I have had a
lot of guilt for "putting him aside" |