By: L. D. Chapman

One of my readers suggested I do something about Buford Buttcrack, the tow truck driver.........

Recently divorced, she finds herself relying on either her 23 year-old son ("who someday will probably move away...") or, as she called him, the "guy du jour."

Guys du jour do come in handy now and then. There's wood that needs to be chopped, or maybe the woodstove itself needs to be cleaned out. If you run the serious risk of breaking a nail, then maybe guy du jour should be put into service. Wouldn't it be handy if you could just keep him in a box in the back of the closet?

This particular reader asked me to do a column concerning JUMPSTARTING THE CAR.......

She's one of those more fortunate ones who is able to drive a company car. Her position with her company is high enough on the food chain that not only does she get a really nice Big, Luxo Buick with all those nice 'Buick' type options, but she gets to use it as her personal car.

Alas, the Subaru was removed from the primary parking spot at her town house complex to the street. The Subaru became very sad when it saw the Buick in the primo parking spot.

She didn't acknowledge its existence for weeks ... maybe even months. The Subaru missed her marvelous touch. Without it, the battery just shriveled up and died. So, the guy du jour suggested he could jump start it, and she should drive it.

She humored him. After it was running, he admonished her to get in it and drive it for a short period of time.

Yeah...right...sure.

She nodded to him in agreement. He went on his merry way. Being male, he assumed she would naturally follow the instructions he had given her.

He doesn't know her as well as I do.

You know what she did, too. The Subaru was not the most important thing on her mind at the time. Guy du jour was gone, and she really didn't have time to just get in the car and go out and joyride.

Guys drive cars around just to be driving them. Charging up a battery is as good an excuse to get in the car and drive it around as any other.

She opted for something more important. It doesn't matter what she opted for, it was far more important than following guy du jour's instructions that particular evening.

He may or may not have been right about driving around. There are two or three schools of thought on that subject. It's a moot point anyway.

There sits the Subaru. Poor thing's still out on the street. And it needs another jump start.

She's going to have to satisfy guy du jour's questioning about the battery soon enough. He's going to ask her, "How did the Subaru run?" She'll be able to tell him, "Fine," and still tell a partial truth. He doesn't need to know that she'll probably go out and jump start it after she reads this! What he doesn't know won't hurt his feelings.

PREVENTION OF INTERACTION WITH BUFORD BUTTCRACK, THE TOW TRUCK OPERATOR...

We're going to look at HER situation here. She's got a nice Buick that runs like a champ. She's got a dead Subaru. She needs to appease guy du jour...

Here's how:

Move the Buick so it's front faces the front of the Subaru. Leave yourself somewhere in the neighborhood of 18 inches between cars. This will give you room to work.

Take that nice set of jumper cables out of the Buick's trunk and stretch them between the cars. You will notice that one clamp is 'black' and the other 'red.'

THE UNIVERSAL RULE IS --

R E D

O N

P O S I T I V E.

On the Subaru, find the battery. Now, notice that one wire coming from near the top is probably red, the other black. If there's no red wire, look for a + (plus) sign. That's the positive. Attach the red clamp to this positive terminal. Now, take the other red clamp (be careful NOT to touch any metal with it-- or you might see a spark or two) ... and attach it securely to the positive terminal on the Buick's battery.

These terminals ( positive and negative ) can be found on the top or near the top of the battery. If they're on top, they'll look like lead cylinders...about as big around as a lipstick, but only about an inch and a quarter long.

The Buick (as with many GM cars) probably has "side pole" terminals. These are screws, near the top...but on the side. One will be red, the other black. Or, in case of different colors, check for the plus sign.

Now the negative.

Find a good ground. By that, I mean, find a metal part of the Subaru that is not a moving part. You'll need to get a black clamp on it. (It will be the other half of the Subaru's side of things). Some mechanics attach this right on the negative terminal of the dead battery.

This is not necessarily a good thing to do. Buford Buttcrack doesn't really mind burning flesh. I suspect my readers do, however. Burned fingernails are not attractive. It would cost you a fortune to get them fixed.

A dead battery can collect an excessive amount of hydrogen. Hydrogen burns extremely well. Hooking up a jumper cable and causing a spark right at the battery terminal could ignite some trace hydrogen. If there IS trace hydrogen present, it must have come from somewhere...and your battery becomes a rather good bomb.

You don't want a replay of the Hindenburg under the hood of your Subaru.

So, find a good ground...away from the battery. Now, all you've got left is the black clamp on the Buick side. Attach it to the negative terminal on the good battery.

BUT-- USE THIS SEQUENCE:

Red to Positive, Subaru.

Red to Positive, Buick.

Black to negative, Buick.

Black to GROUND, Subaru.

Now, get behind the Buick's wheel and start the engine. Listen to a couple of tracks on the CD player before you attempt to start the Subaru.

"Racing" the Buick's engine won't do any good. It just makes guys feel better.

It's making more noise, therefore it MUST be getting more power. However, there's a voltage regulator that prevents this. It'll charge at between 13 and 14 volts whether or not you race the engine. Since the Subaru's battery is probably very dead, you'll probably need to let it "warm up" a little...thus, listening to a couple of tracks.

Trust your feelings, too. You'll kind of get an intuitive nod from Karma when the Subaru is ready. Since it hasn't been started for a period of time, it may be reluctant. Follow your owner's manual instructions for starting in cold weather.

When the Subaru starts, remove the red clamp. Next, remove it from the Buick. This eliminates the danger of any sparks. Both "hot" wires have been disconnected.

Follow with the blacks. Be careful not to touch any metal to metal while either red clamp is attached. Sparks happen when a hot wire touches a good ground. You probably won't wet your pants, but if it sparks -- you'll know about it. It will assuredly get your attention.

If you have trouble getting it to start, rework the ground on the Subaru side. That's usually the problem.

Of course, joining a good auto club will prevent your ever having to jumpstart an automobile. Probably. Unless you don't want to wait for Buford and his tow truck. Then, use this simple proceedure.

You can buy a very good set of jumper cables at any auto parts store for between $5 and $20. What's the difference? Nothing really. They all jumpstart your car. Some use heavier guage wire...some use better clamps. They all work.

Oh, yes...one more thing: Coat the battery terminals with a light coat of Vaseline. It will prevent corrosion. You can put some Vaseline on a Kleenex and wipe it on the terminals. That's completely adequate.

Electricians use a product by a company called Burndy. It's known as coppershield. It costs over $100 a gallon. Use Vaseline. It's a lot more cost effective.

Copyright 1999 by L.D. Chapman. All rights reserved. Limited rights to Geocities.

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