Dear Zenzele
Recently, my fiancee was killed at a club. I am having a hard time dealing with him being gone. I don't eat and I visit his grave everyday. I sometimes have an appetite, but purposely don't eat. A part of me thinks that I am trying to hurt myself and another part just do not have the will to eat. I can honestly say that I do not want to be alive. I often question GOD as to why my fiancee had to die. I feel like GOD hates me and is punishing me for something. he was a young man (26). He was involved in a fight with several other young men, but was the only one shot and killed. I do not understand why GOD is making me suffer the way I am suffering. This man was my soul mate. We have a two year old daughter who now is fatherless. I WANT to be in heaven with him. Please help me to make some sense of this whole tragedy.
Better Off DeadDear Heart-broken Sister,
I was deeply moved by your letter. It's difficult to accept the death of a soulmate. But the truth of the matter is there is no great mystery in death. We are all going to die. This is a good time to take comfort in whatever higher power and spiritual teachings you subscribe to.
The pain of mourning can only be lessened with the passage of time. Allow yourself the time and the space to be sad. Enlist the support of a family member or trusted friend to assist with the care of your daughter - to relieve some of the pressure.
It's natural to be depressed and even to consider your own death. Be sad, cry, stay in bed all day, if that is what you need. But, if this depression does not begin to lift, and particularly if you have thoughts of harming yourself, you should seek the help of a professional counselor to fully process your grief. It may also be helpful to seek the support of other women who have lost a loved one. Check your local newspaper and phone book for counseling centers that may host grief support groups.
Yes, your daughter is without a living father. But she does have a father. It's up to you to provide her with the wonderful memories of the love you shared. With her father gone, she needs you now more than ever. Your daughter is watching and learning from your example. Show her that you can recover from this trauma. Right now, she needs the security of knowing that her remaining parent will be okay.
Death often conjures up our worst fears and feelings of helplessness. Sometimes we turn our pain inward and undermine our own well-being. Not eating and not taking proper care of yourself will only make matters worse.
Some women live out their entire lives without ever finding their soulmate. You are truly blessed. Be a living testament to the love you shared. Love has the power to heal. Take that love energy and bask in it, shower yourself, your daughter, your family and friends with it!
The bitter reality is life goes on. And eventually, you must move on to create a new life for yourself and your daughter, given these new circumstances.
You've got to re-energize. So pamper yourself. Take long hot baths, read inspirational books, listen to soothing music, light aromatherapy candles, incense, give yourself a massage with warm body oils. Do what makes you feel good. Love yourself as he loved you and I promise you will ultimately be healed.
Zenzele
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