Are you the victim of verbal abuse? You may not even realize it if you are. I didn't. Does someone you care about constantly say things to you that make you feel bad about yourself? If so, you may want to think about what is happening to you.
My name is Anne, and I am NOT a mental health professional. I have put this page together to share with others my own experiences. This is partly to help me through my own journey, but perhaps what I put here will help someone else too.
The psychological buzz words that are relavent to my experience
are "verbal abuse", "codependence", and "controlling relationships". For
me, I guess my pre-existing tendency towards codependence made me an easy
target. My husband has used verbal abuse to achieve control over me.
I am verbally abused by my husband. Two years ago I did not realize this. I had come to believe that the knot of anxiety in my belly was supposed to always be there. I was supposed to try to fix everything that went wrong in his life as well as mine. It was normal to not have any friends and to never go anywhere without him by my side. Outside interests and friends of mine had been put aside as playthings of my youth. Every decision, ranging from "What's for dinner?" to "Should I take this job?", was ultimately made by him. I relinquished all power in the relationship to him.
Why did I do this? Two simple reasons: LOVE and FEAR
To be more exact: Fear of losing his love. I would do
almost ANYTHING to avoid losing his affection.
I was absolutely terrified to displease him.
The thoughts that controlled my every action and decision
were "he won't like that", "he won't want to do that", "he will be mad
at me". I lived in a constant state of anxiety. I "walked on eggshells"
every day.
I want to emphasize that he didn't physically abuse me. That was why it was so hard to realize that I was being abused.
Instead he criticized, questioned, belittled, ridiculed, yelled, and lectured. OH, how he lectured. If I did something "wrong" he would insist on explaining to me why my approach was wrong. If I did not immediately appear to be in complete agreement with him the lecture could go on for hours. No "rational" argument on my part was ever credible. Only his point of view was the valid one. My choice of clothing was "ugly" or "ridiculous". His taste was so much better than mine. My choice of hobbies were a waste of time. His were so much more sensible and I ought to take an active interest in them. If I told him about a decision I had made his immediate reply was "Are you sure you want to do that?" He then would go on to explain why my idea was flawed. Gradually I made no decisions without consulting him first. It was always easier to just go along with him. Little by little, over the years, my self esteem and self identity were eroded away.
The lectures were painful, but his anger was the scariest of all. He would snap at me or yell. He would break things or threaten to break things. Especially things he knew were important to me AND were symbolic of the conflict. If the argument was about me spending too much time on work he would tear up my papers. If it was a fight about my family then a gift from a family member was the target. If the fight was about chores then clothing or food would be destroyed. He didn't break things very often. It might happen only once every few months or even years. It didn't HAVE to happen often. The image was always burned into my mind. The "lesson" was always learned very well.
I would have gone on for years as I was. I knew I was unhappy, but I had come to believe that this was as good as one can expect in life. All marriages have their flaws. My husband was nice to me much of time. I believed that his lengthy lectures were good advice and I was a better person for taking his advice. He was and is honest, faithful to the marriage, and intelligent. He doesn't take drugs or drink. He is a hard worker and is well liked and respected by everyone who knows him. I was always proud to be with him.
One day one of the few friends that I had made at work gave me a book to read. "Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. My friend told me that it had been important reading with respect to her own marriage and that she believed that I ought to read it as well. This book and her friendship helped me "see the light". My friend had just left her abusive husband. He had spent years verbally abusing her, but it had recently escalated to physical abuse. It took the transition to physical abuse to alert my friend to her situation.
There were other little things that had made me begin to worry:
Some movies and TV shows had begun to make me feel nervous. The situation of the characters in the story seemed to close to my own. I should point out that shows like this were not "approved" viewing material. My husband found movies or shows like this "boring" or "hysterical". Only shows of his choosing were worth watching.My husband complained bitterly whenever I called my family (who live far away). It was always "a bad time" for me to call them or for them to call me. I always "talked too long". Lunchtime chats with office friends about our husbands had grown uncomfortable. I could tell that my friends were suprised by what I had come to accept as normal. I began to avoid such conversations. (Further isolating myself.) I found myself saying phrases that were exactly like those spoken by my mother-in-law. Martyristic, self-defeating things like "well, that's the way he wants it, so I will just have to go along."
Back to Top"Sleeping with the Enemy" with Julia Roberts portraying an abused wife attempting to escape her husband. I could identify with her character more than I cared to admit. The scene in the bathroom with the "mis-arranged" hand towels was WAY too real. A recent episode of "Law & Order": A father is charged with kidnapping his two daughters 15 years prior and "terrorizing" them. During the 15 years he has brought them up to behave perfectly. They never mis-step for fear of "disappointing Daddy". (Episode #200, "Tabula Rasa", first aired 4/21/99)
Members of my support group have suggested a list of "red flag" behaviors. There are two lists: The first is a list of behaviors displayed by our abusers that should have warned us away from the relationship. The second is a list of behavior that we (the abused) exhibit that helps set us up for the abuse.
Once I realized my situation I began to look for information. Here are some of the resources that helped me.
Depression
AbuseIt took me over six months from my initial "realization" to finally seek professional help. I knew my husband would not approve of this, so I put it off endlessly. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done to tell him that I had scheduled an appointment with a psychologist. I went into treatment for depression. It has been a long hard path, and I am nowhere near done.
I am still too afraid to deal with my husbands anger to go to support groups openly. I have gotten some support on line (from work where he is less able to monitor my activities). I have found a wonderful e-mail support group at Dr. Irene's site. It helps so much to be able to "talk" to people in the same situation. Although verbal abuse is still ABUSE I find myself overwhelmed by the horrors faced by some of the people I have met through physical abuse chat rooms. The people I meet there insist that I am equally abused, but I still can't help feeling "unworthy". It is still hard for me to admit that the abuse I have suffered is on equal standing with physical abuse. That is why I find the verbal abuse support group so helpful.
The codependence support groups have also been of great help.
I still behave in a manner that is self defeating. I still put up with the abuse. It seems like most of the web pages I find on the net are done by people who are "done". They have left their abuser and are in recovery. They still struggle with the issues, but they have actually put an end to the primary abuse. I'm still muddling along. Just in looking over my own words here I can say the following things about myself:
visitors since June 19, 2001
Last Modified 06/19/01