1. Jeckel and Hyde Behavior
Your partner is wonderful and caring for a while and then will do an
about face and be angry about things that they thought were fine at an
earlier time. They switch back and forth between behaviors for no
apparent reason.
2. Life Would Be So Good If
You frequently think that your relationship would be perfect if not for
his or her emotional storms. The storms seem to be coming more and more
frequently. Between times, life is wonderful, but when a storm is
coming you can often tell by that 'walking on eggs feeling'.
3. That Walking On Eggs Feeling
You feel at times that any action on your part will cause your partner
to erupt into anger. You try to do everything you can think of to avoid
it, but the longer the feeling goes on, the more likely the blow-up
will happen, no matter what you do.
4. I Can't Stand You, But You Better Not
Leave
Your partner keeps telling you that you aren't worth having a
relationship with, but will not consider breaking off the relationship.
Acts more outrageously when he or she finds out you are attempting to
leave the relationship.
5. So Much, So Fast
Your partner just met you and doesn't know much about you, but he or
she has to have you, so you must commit now.
6. It's You That's the Problem
Your partner never seems to consider his or her own part in your
domestic disputes. You get blamed for all problems because of the most
ridiculous things.
7. This Happened to Me and It's All Your
Fault
You are blamed for your partners problems even when it was his or her
responsibility to not make mistakes. This could be things like him or
her not getting to work on time and getting in trouble, not getting a
job, not paying the bills in a timely manner, etc.
8. It's Their Fault
Your partner is never the cause of his own problems, if it's not your
fault, it was somebody else's.
9. Overreacting
Your partner way overreacts to little irritations. Small offenses like
leaving the cap off the toothpaste cause him or her to have huge anger
scenes or act out in an outrageous manner.
10. I Will Get You For That
Your partner doesn't try to negotiate a better relationship, but
retaliates by doing something to you that he or she knows will hurt you
emotionally.
11. All the Fights are about What I Do Wrong
You never seem to be able to talk about his or her wrong actions, the
discussion seems to always be about what you did wrong and there seems
to be always something new that you did wrong.
12. You are Worthless
Your partner keeps telling you that all your problems are because you
can't manage to do anything right.
13. Unrealistic Expectations
Your partner is dependent on you for all his/her needs and expects you
to be the perfect mate, lover, and friend. You are expected to meet all
of his/her needs.
14. Blames Others for His/Her Feelings
You are told, "You make me mad", "You're hurting me by not doing what I
ask", or "I can't help being angry".
15. Intense Jealousy
Your partner tells you that expressing jealousy is a sign of love.
Jealousy is a sign of insecurity, not love. You are questioned about
who you talk to and you may frequently receive calls or unexpected
visits during the day.
16. Isolation
He or she have attempted to cut off your family, friends, and
independent financial resources. Your friends and family are put down
and you are put down for socializing with them. You or they are accused
of ridiculous motives.
Abusive people have problems with handling anger. They try to control
their environment with aggressive behavior, not assertive behavior.
Aggressive behavior is characterized by:
- Asserting his or her own rights at the expense of others.
- Engages in inappropriate outbursts or badly overreacts.
- Intent is to humiliate or to get even, to put down others.
- Feels superior to others.
- Verbal behavior of interrupting, threats, uses name calling, demands,
put-downs - judgmental.
- Saves up anger and resentment and uses them to justify later blowups.
Assertive behavior is characterized by:
- Standing up for legitimate rights in a way that does not violate
rights of others.
- Emotionally honest, direct, expressive.
- Works to enhance self.
- Confident, feels good about him or herself now and later.
- Verbal behavior of direct statements, "I" statements (I think, I
feel, I want).
- Speaks in cooperative terms (let's, how can we).
- Statements of interest (what do you think?).
- Values him or herself and others, needs are met.
- Owns his or her own behavior.
References:
- Family Advocacy handout
- "Learning to Live Without Violence" by Daniel Jay Sonkin, Ph.D. and
Michael Durphy, M.D.