THE BEGINNING...First, You should take a serious look at Yourself. What
is it about BDSM that You find appealing? Do You wish a 24/7
relationship; taking on the responsibilites for deciding all aspects of
a submissive's life? Do You wish to encourage another to become the
best person they can be? Do you wish BDSM just in the bedroom?
Alternatively, is it something in-between? Whether it's the sense of
power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the
pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer,
except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others' expectations.
Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot
hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first You
understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with
self-evaluation.
NEXT STEP...Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You
are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in
Your loins? Are Your fantasies piqued, as You dwell on the
possibilities of this life? You need to define Your starting point,
what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find
Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of
doing, in time, become desires. The converse is also often true; the
things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few
years from now, other desires will take their place. For now, what is
it that You desire? Turning the lad or lassie over Your knee? Placing
an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be
escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to
fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?
CONTINUING THE SELF-ASSESSMENT...Now step back and think about what it
is You desire. Do You wish to take this fantasy one step further? Time
to look inside again...are You willing to shoulder the responsibility
that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just
getting Your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership,
and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place
as safely as possible. The submissive You find may desire being hurt,
are You willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded
in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If You lack
the self-control to do this, please leave Your fantasies in the realm
of dreams.
THE ASSESSMENT DONE...Now that You have carefully considered the
consequences and responsibilites that being a Dominant entails. Now,
that You have looked seriously at Yourself and have made an honest
inventory of Yourself as a person and of Your desires. Are You willing
to accept the charge of caring for a submissive, body, mind, and soul?
If the answer is yes, then it is time to think about what You need to
learn. If the answer is no, there is no shame in that. It is a much
wiser person who understands him or herself and does not try to betray
what they are or their abililties.
RESPONSIBILITIES...If You have continued with this article, I shall
assume that Your answer was a most assured "Yes!" and You wish to learn
more. As a Dominant, many demands will be made on You, trust Me when I
say, as much as I enjoy My dominance of another, I do not take My
responsibilities lightly, nor should You. Some things, like simple
bondage and spankings, are relatively safe with only a few things to
watch out for. Others are more intense play, such as, fireplay,
piercing, knife play, whips, and more. These are quite demanding, and
there is a large risk of harm to the sub. Please understand, while the
credo of BDSM is Safe, Sane, and Consenual, there are inherent risks in
virtually all levels of physical play. So, before You pick up that
bullwhip or candle, it's time to learn all that You can. Read as much
information as You can find on the topic. Visit a local club or other
setting and witness it being done. Go to workshops and do not be afraid
to ask Someone with more experience to teach You.
PATIENCE...So far, it seems that You have spent a lot of time and still
have not had any fun yet, right? That is the idea. You are going to
have another person under Your thumb here, you need to have patience
and be certain of what You are doing. Remember, first You have to be in
control of Yourself, before You can control another.
SEEKING...OK, You have looked at Yourself, figured out what You want,
taken time to learn of the safety aspects of any play You want to
experience and now You are familiar with the techniques. What's next?
Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner. The key, again,
is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does
the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match
up with Yours. You should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which
is truly against their own beliefs or desires; in the end, all You will
end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and
possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find
completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a
partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a
masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the
experience. Know what You want in a partner and seek that.
RELATIONSHIPS...Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time
as well. Do You want to play ocasionally or do You want to live this as
a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a
long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of
the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside
of BDSM - otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty
dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather
quickly.
BEHAVIOR...OK, You know what You want, and what You want to look for.
Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people
online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to You about Your
desires, but how You present Yourself is critical. Remember that a
person's submission is THEIRS, not Yours. You have no right to demand
anything from anybody until they have offered it to You. If You walk
around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber,
You will be seen for exactly what You are: a newbie without a clue. It
is not a good way to start off. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!
MORE RESPONSIBILITIES...Remember that You are going to be responsible
for the emotional well being of Your partner. One of the most important
things that happens in a power exchange is the placement of trust in
You as the Dom. Be trustworthy, or You will end up hurting Your
partner. He or she may ask You hard questions. Be honest about
Yourself, Your lack of experience, and Your sincerity. You will both be
better off long term. I've met some experienced subs r/t who are happy
to let a new Dominant practice techniques on them; they see it as
protecting their less experienced sisters from unschooled hands. From
My Own personal experiences, some of My best practical lessons have
come from more experienced submissives.
SAFETY...Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about
safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE
WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.
NEGOTIATION involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to
do. Don't violate what the sub sets as limits, (1) You'll do her
considerable mental harm, (2) You will be violating the law (at the
point where you step over the line, it's no longer consensual); and (3)
word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore.
(Remember the BDSM community is very tightly knit and nothing stays
hidden for long.)
SAFE WORDS are those that will stop the action if the sub feels it is
needed. You MUST honor these if Your partner uses them. Be careful to
choose words that can be easily remembered. I heard about a Dom who
assigned a sub the safeword "aspen". She needed it, but could not
remember anything except that it was a tree. She was shouting out
"birch!", "pine!", etc., which he took to be an attempt to antagonize
him...the result was not pleasant. I have the submissive use two
safewords. One that the submissive can use to indicate that I may be
reaching the limit of what they feel they can tolerate physically,
mentally, or emotionally. The other, which if the submissive uses, I
will stop the scene, hold and talk with the submissive until she calms
down, then I give the submissive the opportunity to decide if they want
to continue or conclude the scene. Remember that safewords are not the
submissive taking control, but they allow the submissive to protect
themselves, which as human beings, they have a right to do.
SAFE PLANS are pre-arranged between the submissive and a friend. They
include making sure somebody knows where the submissive will be, who
the submissive will be with, and a safe call or calls made at scheduled
time(s). If the call(s) are not made at the proper time(s) or if the
sub uses a danger codeword during that call, the police will be
visiting Your little party. Make sure Your sub makes the calls. Carry a
little portable alarm clock for that purpose, just in case you both get
wrapped up and lose track of time. I never meet with with a new partner
without assuring that she has a safeplan in place. This includes public
meetings, even if the submissive says they have total trust in Me. I
expect them to have as much care for their own safety as I do.
AFTER CARE...Finally, we come to the close of the scene. You need to
realize that the submissive has been in a particularly vulnerable
state, and that the scene may have caused him or her to fall into
"sub-space", a wonderful altered state of consciousness. It will take a
while for your partner to "fully return" to the present. There is
nothing more terrifying to a submissive than being abandoned in this
vulnerable state. You need to be there, and be caring, during this
period of coming down. For the caring Dominant, this time of closeness
and comfort is just as enjoyable, just as special, as it is for the
submissive.
CONCLUSION...In short, You need patience, an open mind, a sense of
responsibility, and a willingness to learn. We in the BDSM community
are just human beings, we have our good points and bad, and no, none of
us are perfect. We all have room to grow and learn, whether we have
been in this life for years or are just starting out. There are many in
the community who are willing to help You in Your journey. Seek the
advice of those with more experience. You'll find most of us are very
willing to help those who are sincerely seeking to learn and not at all
shy about showing you things that thrill us. If You learn wisely, You
will find that soon others will come to You for advice, as well, for
the respect You earn in the community will be great.
Author Unknown