How do I justify my lifestyle? For, as with all healthy people, I think
of myself as a decent human being who has a moral code and follows it.
As I will touch on below, this is much more than the Safe, Sane, and
Consensual fundamentals of D/s. The fact I reach beyond them on this
page doesn't mean I trivialize them. They must form part of the
foundation of any D/s relationship and I detest those who violate these
precepts but I also believe that even when followed they are inadequate
as justification for a lifestyle choice.
Although I am not hungry for all-encompassing control within a
relationship, I don't start and stop being a Dominant at the bedroom
door. If I care for someone I need to help them, and that help can take
many forms of guidance, care and counselling. Similarly, my own
emotional needs and satisfaction are enhanced when boundaries on my use
of power are expanded. This means that D/s for me is much more than
"would you like it if I tied you up tonight, sweetie?". It cannot
simply be brushed off as a sexual alternative that need only be done
safely and consensually to be acceptable.
Most people who are experienced in D/s understand these issues on some
level.
However, when discussing erotic power exchange with people who aren't
into it, the morality and ethics involved are sometimes raised. This is
particularly true when discussion leaves physical activities indulged
during play sessions and goes to broader aspects of power exchange in a
relationship or psychological play. Isn't it 'abusive', 'domineering'
(as opposed to 'dominating'), 'unhealthy' or just plain 'creepy'? How
is Dominance and discipline different from the insecurity-rooted
psycho-macho control freak behaviour that women must deal with from
abusive partners?
D/s superficially runs afoul of society's values of moderation in
selfishness and selflessness. We are taught to think of always
expecting to get what we want as self-centered; yet the desire for
one's own way is also seen as natural and healthy. The unitiatived see
Dominants as selfish and egotistical and submissives as unnaturally
selfless to a self-destructive degree.
This apparent imbalance can offend an egalitarian society that has
struggled for centuries to broaden its concepts of citizenship and
humanity to embrace all members of our species and to respect diversity
in our species without assuming it means inequality. In particular, in
the latter half of this century we have made great strides in
recognizing the need for gender equality and to re-examine some of the
basic assumptions in male-female relationships to balance traditional
power imbalances.
How does D/s reconcile itself with this enlightened progress?
D/s cannot simply claim protection as a personal preference. A culture
must draw lines at what it will not accept; tolerance cannot be the
only shared value. There are many things which respect for diversity
does not require us to accept - female genital mutilation, child abuse,
and spousal abuse being among them. Many in society would see D/s as
being little different.
Nor does simple reliance on a defence of "consenting adults" suffice.
People can consensually engage in self-destructive behaviour - blindly
or through manipulation in both D/s and vanilla relationships.
Sometimes such behaviour is particularly alluring, gratifying, or
pleasurable but destructive nonetheless. We properly discourage
behaviour we consider fundamentally self-destructive by means ranging
from social approbation to criminalization. Anyone in the scene knows
there are supposed Dominants who are abusive, hateful, spiteful, and
destructive of the welfare of those who they convince to submit to them
and we do not believe the 'consent' of their victims justifies or
excuses their behaviour.
So what justifies my desire to turn a cherished, strong, and
intelligent woman into a cherished, strong. and intelligent slave to my
whims, even if she likes the idea?
From the Head (the pedantic logic of the IQ)
I often think of D/s power in the context of another accomplishment of
our millennium: Responsible Government, for they share many features in
terms of what legitimizes power.
Power is needed, for there are things that can only be done if someone
is empowered to do them. A state of perfect and uniform equality and
complete distribution of all power - and thus responsibility - for
everything equally among everyone simply does not permit the
accomplishments of a sophisticated civilization, an efficient business,
a productive household, or an intense erotic relationship.
We need specialized responsibilities and with those responsibilities
specialized kinds of power to discharge them. Whether it is
responsibility for law enforcement or responsibility for making dinner,
each requires some authority if it is to be discharged (and neither
should be determined solely based on gender).
From government to erotic power exchange, there are commonalities to
responsible power:
- Legitimacy arises from the consent of the subjects.
- Power has limits both on its methods and objectives.
- The fundamental objective must be the benefit of the subject.
- The greater the power entrusted, the higher the standards its holder
must meet.
- And lastly, when abused any form of power can be legitimately
overturned. If conventional means of withdrawing empowerment fail, then
abused subjects are entitled to take whatever steps necessary to free
themselves.
Government does those things we collectively wish done and cannot
better accomplish through some other means. Similarly, Erotic Power
accomplishes what its wielder and subject desire which could not
otherwise be accomplished. Impose it without consent and there is
tyranny; take it away where it is needed, and much good will be left
undone.
From the Heart (EQ's reasoning)
We are minds and we are bodies and our happiness depends feeding the
appetites and needs of both.
As all healthy people need to love and be loved, to please and be
pleased, so do we all approach expressing and receiving these things
differently.
We are equal but we are not the same. We are all different in our
strengths and weaknesses, our tastes and our needs, our pleasures, and
our hates.
We are the product of our genes, our families, and our cultures.
Whether we accept or reject, conform or rebel, we cannot escape these
influences, we can only chose how to respond to them.
We are the choices we have made, the things we have done. Tastes and
appetites are like muscles. Some of us have more of one than another
but with all of them, if exercised they grow will stronger.
Some of us are simply oriented to be happiest as Dominants, some as
submissives, some as neither, just as some are heterosexual and some
homosexual (and let's not forget the switches and bisexuals either, of
course). May we all find each other.
© Rob Hart, 1998