What is your most important sexual organ?
Much as I may tease a submissive about where the center of her being
lies, that most important part of what drives her needs and by which
she is ruled - so wet and slick she slides easily onto her knees with
the slightest push, it is in truth between the ears and not between
anything else that sensuality lies.
All enjoyment of sensuality lies in the mind, the body is simply a way
of reaching it - but not the only way.
D/s is not just about expanding the physical dimensions of sensuality
with bondage, discipline, toys, and various fetish activities, it is
also about expanding the psychological dimensions. It is not just about
how I see you as your Dominant, but how you see yourself. About both of
us being excited and pleased by what we see.
"I should call you Sir?"
One of the most direct, easiest, clean, and portable ways of playing
with a submissive is language (and it is also one of the easiest ways
for submissive to please her Dominant).
Language is also one of the most delicate and sensitive tools to use
with a submissive. What we say and hear influences us overtly and
subtly. Power exchange modes of communication can bring out moods and
affirm roles when used in an ongoing context - and can be part of
intense scenes when used explicitly for that purpose.
In ancient beliefs language held mystical power. Words and names were
bound to things and could affect them. Although this does not work on
material reality, it does still apply in the realm of the mind. Whether
in friendship, love, or eroticism, words are an important component to
define and enhance. In D/s, language is part of the spell that creates
our roles.
No two people truly speak the same language at first. We all shade
meanings according to our own experience, and nowhere more so than with
emotionally charged and powerful language. If I say "tramp", I'm saying
"playful, fun, fully sexual woman who arouses me so much and who I am
so happy to have" but you may hear "worthless easy woman I don't value
and will discard easily".
For abusers also use language, to reach in to touch and hurt their
victims. Sticks and stones do break bones, and words do hurt. But this
is the price we pay for being able to reach into each other's hearts
and souls to heal and love. We can reach in to love and play, to make
someone know they are loved and valued and to strengthen them; or we
can reach in to hurt and scar, making someone doubt themselves.
This is a powerful element in human relationships, and one D/s uses to
a strong degree, for good in the hands of sane and loving people, and
for ill when used by those who abuse the power they are given in D/s
relationships.
I have never called a woman abusive names to hurt her or out of anger
and I come from a family where such words were never heard. So when I
do these things, they are 'untainted' to me. But someone else may have
tainted these words for a submissive - just like the jerk who first
tried anal sex with her (unsafe, without warning, without lube, without
stimulation - who's going to like any kind of intercourse like that?).
Differences in understanding also mean that describing needs and limits
can take time. One person's idea of "severe" is not the same as
another's. I can't count the times I have had the following exchange:
novice: "I don't like pain or humiliation."
Rob: "You mean you don't like it if you are spanked, erotically
pinched, squeezed?"
novice: "Oh, yes I like that - I like the intensity, the erotic
sensation, the vulnerability, the realization I am in your power..."
Rob: "Does part of you feel a little nasty, even humiliated, and enjoy
it, knowing you're doing these 'bad' things?"
novice: "Hmmmm, maybe."
Rob: "Do you like the feeling of being on your knees, being vulnerable,
being wanton, being called nasty names, knowing you're doing something
your mother would be shocked at, playing a role and being pushed
further and further into it?"
novice: "Oh, yes I like that - I like the feeling of having the mundane
stripped away, everything but sexuality and sensuality vanishing, being
a sexual creature..."
Rob: "So you really mean you don't want anything truly painful, that
you can't process erotically or that injures you, and you don't want
anything abusive that truly harms your self-image or your image in the
eyes of those who are important to you - including me? In short, you
don't want anything unhealthy - but you might want as much as you can
get that is healthy."
novice: "Yes."
Rob: "Would you be more excited right now saying 'Yes, Sir'?"
novice: "Yes, Sir."
"What do you mean crawl on my belly and
meow?"
Related to play using language, humiliation is also a far more complex
area to explore than physical acts of bondage or discipline. Even the
word requires consideration. Who truly wants to be humiliated? To be
made to feel as though they are less? Shouldn't good relationships make
us feel like we are more?
Someone can, by feeling less in one way, feel more in another. Someone
can take pleasure in doing and experiencing something dark (and what
I'm talking about is more socially responsible than slowing down for a
look at accident scenes).
What makes these areas complex to explore is that the risk factor can
be very high. If a spanking goes too far no real harm is done in any
fashion. A limit has been found (hopefully by nudging against it, not
shooting past it at 90 mph) and set for future reference. Trust is not
violated. The relationship is not harmed.
But if verbal abuse or humiliation go too far or in the wrong
direction, the feelings they trigger can be complex and can last long
after a pink bottom returns to normal. "Did you really mean that? Is
that really how you feel? Now I can't think of you without thinking
of..."
A less hazardous risk factor, in successful scenes more than harming
relationships, is that what is or is not humiliating varies widely. The
same act can drop one submissive deep into subspace, another will be
unphased and a third will be disgusted.
Yet the intense feelings these things can provide demand that this area
be explored. They are an integral part of the difference between
experiencing the roles of bottom and submissive. The rewards for
submissive can be greatly heightened sensuality, moving far beyond
physical sensations. And they can merge with the emotional connection
and intimacy that Dominant and submissive share.
For Dominant as well, the pleasure of having someone precious that one
can treat in so many different ways is immeasurable as is the ability
to safely explore many facets of aggression.
What does it add up to?
If I call you my nasty little pussy - know that my grin is because you
make me feel good and I like expressing it without bounds. And purr for
me. You might get your tummy rubbed. You will certainly get cuddled.
© Rob Hart, 1998, 2000