I met my husband when my daughter was fourteen months
old. We were married two and a half years later. Now we
have been married for almost five years. We have a four
year old son together.
I don't know how we ever made it this far. He has been my
rock, my constant. He has always believed in me.I owe
him more than I could ever repay. He has stood by me
through everything.

Our children are wonderful, everything a parent could want.
Unfortunately, like my husband, they don't always get from
me all that they deserve. I can't give them affection without
feeling panicky, like I can't breath.
I quit often avoid these situations, especially with my
husband. it's unfair to them and unfair to me. How do I
explain to them that the reason I can't give them a hug, is
because I love them so much. that the walls I have spent
my whole life building, force me to distance them to feel
safe.
That a lot of people in this world that said they loved me
have hurt me so badly. That no matter how much I love
them, it is just too scary to let them in. I want more than
anything to just be able to hug them without being afraid.
That to reject them is painful to me also.

A lot has changed with my family and some things haven't
changed. I still have a hard time being
affectionate with my husband, but it's not as bad
as it use to be. We seperated a few months ago.
He left on my birthday actually. There were a lot of things
said during that time that were very painful to me.
They still hurt. I was told I was no longer loved.
That was a very hard thing to deal with.
I watched my children go through an amazing
amount of pain. They hurt so much, and so did I.
I didn't know how to fix it for them or me either.
In the end what it took was for me to move
on with my life. That was when he wanted to come
home. I thought twice about it. Sadly enough.
But I do love him, and maybe he is just as lost
as me. And I wanted to stop the pain the kids were feeling.
And I was so afraid. So, I said yes.
Now, there are a lot of new wounds that have to heal.
A lot of trust issues. We have a long way to go.
In a lot of ways, I still feel just as alone
as I did when he was gone, and abandoned.
Unsure of myself and who I am again.
The connection I always felt there in our
relationship before, now feels very iffy. Like at any minute, any time
he mght just pick up and leave us.
I think now, I do a lot just to please him
so maybe he won't do that. So, I take all he gives
and keep quiet, go to my room and hide,
or get in the car and just drive. Right now,
I need to feel unconditionally loved. I'm not sure
if I've ever had that, except from my children.
Right now, I am just so very lost.
Feel like standing in the middle of a room
and screaming till all the pain is gone.

I know I will get through this, I have gotten through
so much worse, but it will take time, and a gentle hand.

And here is where I want to thank a special lady.
Her name is Dorothy, she is the daughter of one of my
patients at the rest home where I work. She became someone,
for no reason at all who became a great friend.
She saw me almost everyday, and asked me how I was.
You see, even at work, this couldn't be hid.
She saw it, and became a sort of mentor.
She said something I will never forget to me
one day. She said, "Stacey, all you can do is hand it to god."
She said that I was a wonderful person
that just in the way I took care of her mother it showed.
And that one day, it would all work out, just hand it to God.
I did, and it did.
Thank you Dorothy for being a friend
and pulling me back up when you saw me down.
I think god sent you to me. You were my Angel.

My children and I are better. My daughter
has a better understanding of things. She's so smart for
her age. And she is getting the hugs she needs now.
My son is my 'stinky piddles'! Don't know where
the words came from, just came out of my mouth one day.
And every since it's been our game.
He's my little man, and my baby. They are both
so very special. I will always hold them dear to my heart.