My Uncle Huel passed away a few months after I
left Iowa. He forgave the other uncle before
his passing, and I admire him for that, too.
Took a tremendous amount of courage.
But, the final and most valuable gift
he gave me was my dad.
I had spoken to him about a week before his passing
and I spoke with him about my parents.
He told me to do what was best for me
and just to do what I had to do.
Without telling me, and in all his pain,
He had spoken to my dad. I'm not sure what was
said, but it was so much. Whatever it was
it was so much.
I spoke to my dad for the first time after
telling, the night huel passed.
He told me that Huel said he thought the world of me.
I guess that's when I knew it was
him that gave me back my dad. Things have slowly
worked themselves out. My dad and I are friends again.
My mom and I also worked things out.
It seems that somewhere she understands more
than she was wanting to tell.
But that's ok, too. In her own time.
She has spoke
very little about it, only to ask me if I'm ok.
Yes, mom, I am.
My Aunt is no longer angry either.
My sister called her and told her it was true.
That she remembered, also.
I guess with that, she couldn't deny it anymore

Well, life has changed quite a bit for me...
But mostly for the good. I have returned to school full time
for Emergency Medical Science. I'm over half way through
my first semester, and am still alive! LOL
Sound strange? Well, it was hard to go back, very scary, but I did
and am doing well. And I have all
intentions of following through this time. I only
have about 2 years to go. But I'll make it!!

Other than that, my kids are doing well, things have
steadily been looking up. I am still in therapy
and probably will be for a long time
to come, but it is going well.

I visited my Family twice last year,
in November of 2000 and then the following
month at Christmas. The subject of my abuse was never brought
up, except with my sister, but that's just as well.
I know they understand more than they know how to express.
I have not seen my uncle as of yet, honestly don't want to.
I don't think I hate him anymore,
angry, a lot of the times... but I feel a pity for him.
I will never know if he has truly changed,
don't think it really matters for me. The
damage was already done, but for others, I hope he has.
A lot said in the past that when I spoke up, I ruined his life,
but I just said what he did, so he ruined his own.
If I had to do it all over again, I would still tell.
But, I think I would have told a lot sooner.

As far as me and my husband, things are touchy
there most of the time. I can't exactly say why, just know that he has a tendency
to push, and when he pushes, I pull away.
I know that there is no quick cure for what has
happened. If there only were, but he has to allow me to
heal in my own time. Pushing only makes me close up.
Sometimes I still feel like standing in the
middle of an open field and just scream, but usually
I'm ok. But maybe one day, I'll find that field.
Who knows, maybe I won't even scream,
but just run through it barefooted. Maybe...

Dad, well, I guess it will always be him
that I look up to the most. Out of
everything that I went through when telling, that
was the worst. But he never condemned, never denied.
He did once say that I was just pouring salt on old wounds.
I think that is where Huel came in, letting him
know that the salt had to be poured.
I love my dad, I just wish I wasn't so afraid to tell him
exactly how I feel. Each time I go up there,
I wonder if it's the last time I will see him,
And if I lost my chance to say it when leaving.
I hope he knows that no one will ever compare to him.
Not in my eyes. So, I guess that's a lot of the reason
it's so important for me to finish school.
I want him to be proud of me. That's all I want.

A lot has changed in the months gone by. Good news
is I made it through another semester at school.
My children are doing great, they are wonderful, and
I couldn't adore them more. My husband and I
have grown further apart. Some due to the abuse
I suffered, and some due to other things that have happened.
I know that I have always had a lot of trust issues
and now they are directed towards him. I really can't go
into detail at this time, but I'm not sure where we will
be even a week from now. He has some things of his own he
has to work through, and I am still working through mine.
Maybe one day when we are both ready, we can work on us.
But for now, I have to do what is best for me and my children.
I have learned that no matter what I am going to be OK.
I believe that. I have to believe that.

On another note, I have recieved a lot of e-mail about this
website, and alot of people tell me that it saddens them.
I'm not really sure why I chose to post my life on the internet.
I guess maybe it was a way for me to look at it from the outside,
and for other survivors to learn from. To know that you
aren't alone, and that there is hope and one day you can feel
peace can be a wonderful thing to those who feel helpless,
as I have felt many times. There use to be a day that
I thought this would be never-ending, and maybe it is, but somehow
I see an end to the story of my abuse. I'm sure there will
lots more to write as life goes on, but an end to the pain, and anger,
and all those emotions are in sight. Don't get me wrong,
I still feel. I feel a lot of things, but mostly I feel ok.
what I finally had to do was embrace that little girl,
the little girl that was me then, and I was so very afraid of her.
I had to let her know that it wasn't her fault, and she had the
right to be angry, and let her feel all the things,
she didn't know how to feel then. She was stuck in that place.
The place where the pain began. I had to show her a way out.
This all may all sound strange, the inner child, but for those
who have felt it, know it is real. So I had go to her
take her by her hand and lead her away from the hurt.
My therapist helped me to do this, and I thank her for that.
It wasn't easy at all, but I found her, and I told her what she
should have been told then, and lead her home. Now,
together Little me, and Big me are at peace.
So, don't feel sorry for me, or saddened, because
I have survived. I have faced what I had to, all those things I thought
would drive me insane, and I'm ok. I feel whole inside
and not lost. I will write more when there is more to write.
Thank you for taking the time to read what isn't always so easy to
read. I hope in some way it makes things look a little brighter for
all the ones who have been hurt, and can't find that way out yet.

I was looking back on this page tonight and am really shocked at how long it's been since I have wrote here. I know a lot of people come to this page, and I have recieved numerous letters from those who tell me they bookmark it so they can return, so I guess in a lot of ways I owe it to you to stop in once in a while and update it. I guess I owe it to myself, too. I guess I should start where I left off a long time ago. Truth be told, me and my ex-husband never got to that point where we could work on us. I look back now and I see a big huge blur of pain that went on for 10-11 years. Truth is we were never any good for each other, and never will be. We could have tried harder, sure, but it never would have worked. We are two very different types of people who don't know how to let go of the hurts long enough to say what needed to be said. I think in the end neither one of us wanted to save it enough to let go. That is only partially true though, cause I did say what I needed to say to try and save it, but was made to feel like garbage. And for each tear I cried I felt more like garbage, and regretted each tear I gave to him. I regret a lot of things now, and sometimes I even regret my regrets. He's no longer a part of my life, and for that I thank God. I have me back, and a happy me. It still hurts sometimes, and maybe it always will. Just the thought of what we could have been if we had been better people. But I have lived through it and learned a lot. I realize God didn't intend for him to be with me for a lifetime, he was here for a season. (It's said that God sends people to you for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.) I took from our marriage what I was supposed to take, what God intended me to take, and I hope I am a better person for it.

Neither one of us knew when we met that it would turn out like this, if we had, we never would have looked twice at each other. I guess in a lot of ways I wish I could have the years back I gave him. I wish he would look at me just once and say you know it hurts me, too, and sometimes I miss what we use to be, but he never will. I just wish I knew that in all those years that even if just a little just maybe for a second I meant something to him. I wonder if he knows the pain he caused, I wonder if he knows how much he hurt my little girl who truted him as daddy and was then forgotten. But I guess it's the same for him. He probably looks back and sees the same thing. For every good time we had there was a hundred bad times. And because of that, I wonder if we ever did love each other. So, that's how that season ends. It was a sad ending. It must have been winter, cold and cruel.

Now me, just me, and me alone without a husband. I have my kids, and they are wonderful. And things are much more light and happy around the house. Nobody feels like they have to walk on eggshells anymore. I actually laugh, and a lot.

I pray a lot. I ask God to guide me in the right direction. I ask him to watch over me and my children. I even ask him to watch over my ex. I know he's torn in a million peices inside and has no one real to turn to. He will turn to many, but none will be as genuine as God. So I pray that God finds him and holds onto him just in case he isn't strong enough to hold onto God. I pray that he finds his lifetime, and that I find mine. I pray for us all to find peace. And mostly I just pray for what God wants to heppen to be regardless of everything else.

Peace is coming. God has been there all the way. Things are looking the best for me that they have in years. Every aspect of my life has turned for the better. I hope that one day I can sit with him and just talk, but I know that would be many years in the future. Right now, the sound of his voice in the background makes me sick, even the sound of his car. I had to go on meds for my heart because the anxiety had gotten so bad it's affecting my heart, so it's not a good idea anytime soon. I don't feel safe emotionally, physically, or spiritually around him. He hurts people in the worst possible ways and I can't be one of those people anymore. And he has managed to find himself some other people who are the same way to hang out with. I know threats have been made on my life, so I pray for God to protect me and the kids, and I try to overlook him. God did say to Forgive them for they know not what they do. But he also said to stay one step ahead of the serphant. I try to do both. I try to be forgiving and yet careful. I have many new and wonderful friends who look out for me, and I am so grateful for them. I guess that's all there is to say for now. I'll try to check back in sooner next time, and thank you to all of you who come here. I can't begin to imagine the amount of tears that have been cried here. I know a lot of my own have went into this website, too numerous to count. But, thank you, and please say a little payer for the girl out there who's still trying really hard to find where she belongs.

I'm still here and still alive. Financially things are tough, but I am getting by. The kids are doing good. The X and I have custody mediation on the 9th. Am really not happy about it. Am actually very nervous. I don't know what to expect from him. He has stayed so angry for so long. And then back to court on the 12th. This one will be the worst, I know what is going to happen, and even though my attorney reccommends it, I am not completely comfortable with it. I hope he understands that me pursuing custody is nothing personal and not meant to hurt him, but I can't stand by and just smile and so ok take my son away. This is how marriages end, and as much as I hate it, it has to be done. I will always care about Erik although to a certain extent, his memory is fading so fast. How does that happen, you know someone most of your life and they become so vague in your mind? I'll check back in soon.

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