"Bored Man Stalkin" Part 2
But the trail had grown cold. He frantically searched down the liquor aisle and found instead, a tempting sale on his favorite beer. Just as he was considering consoling himself with a few brewskis, he caught a flash of Maggie's mini in the store's large round spy mirror above. Miller time would have to wait. The hunt was on!
Meanwhile, Maggie was having troubles of her own. She was beginning to think that her shopping cart was possessed. The darned thing had run perfectly well at first. Then for no reason at all it began pulling to the left. Its lone defective wheel spinning around madly like Linda Blair's head in "The Exorcist". Coming to the end of the aisle she gave the thing a hard yank, then proceeded around the corner. The wheel squeaking out in protest.
Observing her struggles as he entered the soda pop aisle, he thought he'd offer his assistance. But while rounding the corner where she'd been only a few seconds before, he was waylaid by an insistent Dr. Pepper representative.
Looking a bit scary in her psychedelic threads and beehive hairdo, she shoved a dixie cup full of the bubbling brown substance in his face proclaiming, "The folks at Dr. Pepper have developed a fabulous new and improved flavor, please have a drink and tell us how much you like it".
Willie wanted to move on to better things, so he downed the enhanced liquid in one gulp. Big Mistake! His face reacted to the foul drink with an uncontrollable grimace. It tasted just like carbonated cough medicine. Setting down the offending cola, he quickly made his escape.
Stunned by his reaction, the girl shouted out, "What do you think of the new and improved Dr.Pepper?" Willie pretended not to hear her and kept walking, muttering under his breath, "He otta be sued for mal practice".
Maggie was checking out her coupons in the canned foods aisle, as Willie once again went into surveillance mode, peering at her through the snack food shelves. But he wasn't the only one on stake out. An elderly woman further down the row was complaining about a gossipy friend to her husband, "That Loretta Kramp is such a gossip," she exclaimed. "Who does she think she is spreading rumors, when everyone knows the truth about her and Bobby Wyatt." "You know they........."
But her husband had already tuned her out once he spotted Maggie. He just couldn't believe that girls these days could wear their skirts so short, although he wasn't complaining. He found himself totally mesmerized by her levitating hemline.
Then it happened. Maggie reached for a can of green beans on the top shelf. Higher and higher the skirt went, as Maggie got up on her tip toes to snag the elusive can. Both men's eyes grew wide in anticipation. Would the skirt continue to cover, or would all be revealed. The tension was unbearable.
Then just as the older guy's inner child was about to break out into a chorus of "I see London, I see France". His wife caught on to his bird watching activities and whacked him soundly with her purse.
This tickled Willie so, that he had an attack of the giggles and quickly took cover amongst the Ding Dongs as he tried to suppress his laughter.
Successfully obtaining the green beans Maggie headed out to the produce section with Willie hot on her tail. A display of tropical fruits caught her eye. Pineapple, papaya, guava, passion fruit and mangos. Everything was there even a couple of coconuts.
From where Willie was standing it appeared that Maggie was actually wearing those coconuts, and his mind began to wander. It wandered all the way to the set of that popular TV series, "Hawaii Hell-O", where Maggie was currently performing an exotic Tahitian dance. Looking tanned to perfection in her grass skirt and coconuts, her hips gyrated wildly to the beat of the native drums.
Then suddenly, a man came out of nowhere and grabbed her. "Help!" Maggie cried. "Shut up", he commanded as he waved his gun around dangerously at the crowd. "Nobody moves, or the lady gets it, see".
But just as it looked like all hope was lost for our heroine, Detective McDareit, (who incidentally was played by Willie Loomis), crept up from behind. In an amazing display of his superior martial arts skills, he was able to expertly kick the lethal weapon out of the assailant's hands. "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!" he screamed, as he polished off the perp with a helicopter kick to the head. He turned to his pasty faced partner, who was extremely overdressed in his stylish black cape, and shouted triumphantly, "Book him Barn-O".
"How can I ever thank you", squealed the extremely grateful Maggie. "I could just kiss you". And before he could tell her it was all just part of the job, she planted one on him.
"CUT!" yelled the director, all too soon as far as Willie was concerned,then they all broke for lunch.
Clad in his snazzy hawaiian print speedo and movie star sunglasses,Willie decided to spend the time working on his million dollar tan, after all he owed it to his fans. As he reached behind him to apply a little suntan lotion to his back, he felt Maggie's hand touch his. "Why don't you let me do that", she asked in a slightly husky voice.
Sitting down beside him on the towel, Maggie picked up the lotion and began massaging it on his back. "There is that better?" she inquired innocently. He closed his eyes in sheer ecstasy as the movements of her talented hands sent little tingles of pleasure throughout his body. "Oh , yes Maggie much better".
He was just about to ask her to move a little bit to the right, when he heard an impatient voice cry, "Willie, Willie can you hear me?"
Something was wrong. Opening his eyes he found himself once again in the produce section. And this time to his surprise, he was face to face with a slightly annoyed Maggie.
"Willie were you following me just now?" She asked knowing perfectly well that he had been. She had heard him snickering by Ding Dongs, and her suspicions were confirmed when she caught him staring at her with a rather goofy grin on his face while she was picking out passion fruit.
Feeling a bit guilty his eyes retreated to the floor. Then feigning an interest in the cantaloupes, he picked one up for inspection. "Can't a guy do a little shopping", he asked innocently. Giving the melon a little whiff, he pretended as if he were going to buy it.
She sighed, gave him a suspicious look and declared, "Willie you need to get a life". Then tapping her finger on her chin she corrected herself. "No, Willie you need a girl". Then she dug in her purse and started looking through her address book for possibilities.
"Now you're talkin'", he exclaimed with excitement. "You always said we could......."
But Maggie was no longer listening, with a great big smile she searched through the pages and informed him, "Yes Willie, I am going to make it a special project of mine to find you a girl of your own".
"But Maggie..." Willie protested.
"I know", she interrupted. "Ursala Braithwaithe, she would be perfect for you".
The the truth was that Maggie didn't really know Ursala all that well,which in her opinion made her ideal for a blind date with Willie. Ursala had been working over at the Collinsport Inn until that fateful night last month, when she and her boyfriend Derick were attacked in the hotel parking lot. Ursala lost her memory, Derick lost his life.
There are parts of him to this day that have yet to be found. Her wounds were just beginning to really heal when her Grandfather mysteriously died of a heart attack over at Collinwood. Maggie thought Ursala was one girl in need of cheering up.
But Willie wasn't interested in going out with a strange girl he had never met. He nervously ran his hand through his hair and blurted out, "Maggie I don't think this is such a good idea".
"Come on Willie" She pleaded, then switched to a little flattery. "She's going through such a hard time now, and I just know YOU could cheer her up." Then she put on her sweetest secret weapon smile and dealt the killer blow. "Do it for me Willie". He was like putty in her hands.
Willie was feeling flustered and said nothing, which she took for a victory. Whipping her shopping cart around, she tossed back her firey hair and exclaimed triumphantly, "I'll call you with all the details later". And with that, she and her squeaky cart beat a hasty retreat in the direction of the check out counter.
Then she was gone, leaving a very confused and disappointed Willie to ponder over what in the heck just happened.