Being alone and totally dependent on yourself

Then I was without a job and very little income. Things still went fairly well until the only income was to a point of nil. Finally I had to ask the father of our children if he could take them as I could no longer support them financially.

They left two days before Thanksgiving.

That was a very emotional time in my life. The children had always come first, husband second and me last and now the feeling of being alone was almost more than I could bear. (This was due to the "Super Mom" syndrome -doing things to please the children in hope of getting recognition for how good a Mom I was. They didn't see it that way for they expected "Good old Mom, she'll do it." all the time.)

I would find myself going into their rooms; thinking (as I still was living in the house) of how I could hear the quarreling, the laughter, the sounds of what being a family is all about. I cried for the family that was no more. Looking out into the dying sunset I felt as lonely as one human could possibly feel. Totally alone - for the first time in my life - and it was a very frightening feeling. The days seemed to never end; the nights worse. I cried a lot - feeling sorry for me there was? to my purpose in life? I felt that I wasn't being a good Mother...giving up my children. My life was my children. One cannot fully realize what it feels like to suddenly find yourself without - one day they're here, the next - gone. I did much thinking and much soul-searching in the next three weeks -for all my family lived in another city. I felt very lost as there was no one to do things for anymore - except for - ME.

I was torn between two feelings; enjoying not having to wait on someone and to supply their needs; but also feeling guilty about having this good feeling. There was peace and quiet with privacy; something you don't truly have with children around. It's hard to find time for yourself for if it isn't one child wanting something, it's another one wanting something. This new found freedom was exhilarating at first but then the pangs of loneliness crept over me. Only by talking and getting acquainted with myself was I able to put my life in some kind of perspective.

I put the house up for sale and moved into an apartment. During this period my writing was changing as was myself. It cannot be described in words for anyone to really believe the desolation that can engulf one experiencing - no job, no money, no family, no where to go. The TV doesn't work. You listen to the radio but that gets old fast and the silence can almost drive you mad. Suddenly; I realized that I was not alone, for God is everywhere, anywhere, wherever you are. He is...in the the sun, the wind, the sky, the very walls of your rooms. Everything there ever was or will be; is God. You would have to live it to know the feeling.

This realization changed my whole outlook on life. Things began to happen for me. I got a part-time job and by summer a full-time job. To work again is a, good feeling. By now I have adjusted to living alone but not without times of loneliness coming over me. Wanting to have someone to share with; but when someone enters the scene the feeling starts of wanting to be by myself again. The time has not yet come for me to have someone or family as there is much more to be learned by living alone.

This is composed entirely of thoughts. These thoughts came to me at times in my life when I was questioning; doubting and needing answers; and searching for God. It has no plot, but perhaps the thoughts you read will help you to understand the many things you too questioned.

As you will notice I am repetitious in some areas but it is for a reason. It was one area that needed to be made clearer so that the message Spirit was sending would get through to me. This sometimes happens when we don't listen to what Spirit is telling us. Spirit has a way of making itself known.

In peace and love,

Lady Butterfly

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