I desperately try to get my mind to focus on what I need to be doing, but I feel so miserable. I just want to go back to bed. My throat is raw, and my body aches terribly. My head is spinning as if I were on a Tilt-a-Whirl. I get the coffee down, but my stomach is rolling so much that breakfast is out of the question.
My kids keep checking on me. They know that I might fall asleep anywhere: sitting on the bed while putting my socks on, leaning against the shower wall, or anyplace where I’m still for a moment. All I can think about is getting back in bed, but I know I can’t.
Getting the kids to school and daycare, and getting myself to college is a nightmare. I take several little side trips, frequently missing turns, all the while sternly telling myself to, “STAY AWAKE.”
I finally get to class, only a few minutes late. The instructor has already started lecturing. I try to focus on what she is saying, but my back is screaming, “I hurt so damn bad,” my stomach is threatening, “I’m going to hurl any minute,” and my mind is begging, “Please, just let me go to sleep.”
In another class, I sit down to take a test. I’ve prepared for this test. I’ve done all the assignments. I KNOW THIS STUFF! But the words seem to swim around on the page. I can’t seem to get them to go together to make sense. I begin to panic.
“Relax,” I tell myself. “You know this stuff.” I close my eyes and breathe slowly for a few minutes. Then I try again. This time the words stay still. I’m able to answer most of the questions, working around the holes in my memory. It takes intense concentration, and when I’m done, I have to start all over. I have to rework the entire test to find the stupid mistakes I so easily make. I might think about writing “B” for a multiple choice question, but I’ll write “C” or “D” or maybe “Q” or even “Z”. Who knows? I might divide 200 by 40 and get 8000.
By the time I get done, my brain is shot, and I’m exhausted. The fatigue weighs down on me like a lead fog. I walk through the halls in a daze, unsure of where I’m going, or where I’m supposed to be. Someone stops to talk to me. I respond automatically, but I have no idea who they are.
This is one of my bad days. Some days I’m not quite so brain-fogged. Some days I don’t have quite so much pain and exhaustion. But there are other days when I simply cannot even function enough to go to class. I’m trying to finish the semester. I’m trying to talk and act so people don’t know how dazed, confused, exhausted and desperate I am. But it’s getting harder. I don’t want to live like this. But I don’t have a choice. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
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