?????This isn?t a story about what I have missed with my son?it is a tribute to how his brief life changed mine; how I found the strength to go on; and why I believe in angels. How could I not believe in them? After all, my son Kyle was born an angel!
?????My story begins in the fall of 1981. I was rapidly approaching my 30th birthday and I had no children. For some people that would only be a minor setback but to me it was devastating! I can?t remember a time that I didn?t want to be a Mommy. When I was a little girl and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always ?a Mommy.? I went to my family doctor in September and he told me he thought it was time for me to consult a fertility specialist if I was serious about wanting children. I went home in tears and told Ron (now my ex-husband) what the doctor had said. He took the news quite lightly and told me I had the right man?he was a fertility specialist?not to worry.
?????So in January of 1982, when I began waking up as sick as a dog every morning and my period didn?t come, I went to the drug store to get a home pregnancy test kit. I didn?t tell anyone what I suspected; I couldn't believe I could actually be pregnant, so why tell anyone else? On that Saturday morning I was only proving to myself that I wasn?t pregnant. Imagine my surprise as I stared, in shock, at the positive indicator. I don?t remember walking away from the tester on my dresser, but I remember returning to the room over and over again to stare at the results. I was pregnant!! I was in total shock!
?????What a time of mixed emotion the following months were. My
mother, after her initial shock, was thrilled to think she was going to get a chance at a granddaughter. And my sister, the mother of two boys, began to buy frilly lace things immediately. I would often smile to myself and think how funny my son would look in the little dresses and pink rompers they were buying. Because from the beginning I knew in my heart that I was carrying a son. I even picked out the name Kyle and never gave a girl?s name much thought at all.
?????As the months progressed, what should have been my happiest time, was torn with anger and sadness. It was evident from the beginning that Ron did not want this baby. He begged me to abort it. He began to stay away from home more and more and I had to finally face the facts that he was seeing other women. I turned 30 in March, when I was only a couple months pregnant. The pregnancy was a difficult one; I was sick a lot and emotionally I was a wreck. The only positive thing in my life was my child growing within me. I couldn?t wait to feel that first movement; I didn?t think I would feel like I was really pregnant until I felt the baby. Plus, I was so afraid of losing the baby, that I needed that movement as reassurance of what I still could hardly believe?there was a baby growing inside my body!!
?????By August I was in my final trimester. I had two storage boxes crammed full of clothes for the baby, and most of the extras too, like a baby bath, carrier, and lots more. I had seen my baby on the ultrasound screen repeatly by now; watched his heartbeat; listened to the sound fill the examining room. yet I felt such an underlying dread?I felt I was not meant to be a Mommy. Looking back I know it was God?s way of preparing me for what was to come.
?????In early August I noticed a marked drop in my baby?s
movements. When I questioned the doctor about it he told me I was being a worry wart. Everything was fine; the baby had a good heart beat and was right on schedule in growth and development. Yet I worried; something wasn?t right and I knew it. On Friday night, August 6th I was up waiting for Ron to get home from work. He was late, and I didn?t feel well. My back was aching so badly that I went to the shower and turned the water on as hot as I could stand it. I stepped into the shower and turned to let the water beat on my back. As I leaned against the shower wall, my child began a frantic pattern of movement. I had never felt the baby move like this. It was almost like a thrashing?a struggle?and as quick as it started it stopped. I went to the couch and laid down to wait for Ron. He never came home that night; he never called. And as I waited all night I watched the clock ticking, waiting for my baby to stir again. He never did.
?????By morning I was sick?up all night worrying about Ron and about the baby had taken its toll. I went to my Mom?s house. As soon as she saw my face she asked what was wrong. I told her I thought the baby was dead. She comforted me and told me not to be silly. But after an hour of me being sick to my stomach and still no movement of the baby, she agreed I should go to the emergency room. The ride there was a short distance but it felt like an eternity. As soon as I was in a room a nurse came in with a doppler. I knew the nurse?we had been friends in school. As she rubbed the doppler across my gel covered belly, I saw the reality of the moment on her face. ?Cathy,? I whispered, ?my baby is dead, isn?t he?? I saw the tears in her eyes as she laid the doppler down.
??????I?ll get your doctor, Karen,? is all she said, as she practically ran from the room. I turned my head to stare at the monitor while I waited. The little flashing heartbeat was not on the screen. I could see the baby?s form; there was no movement. After what felt like an eternity, I found myself listening to the doctor explaining interuterine death. I could only focus on a word here and a word there?no rhyme or reason; nothing could have prevented it?nature would take its course. My mom and my friends rallied at the hospital to try to comfort me. Ron never showed up. He would not even know the fate of this child until three days later.
?????On Monday the doctor sent me home. He said nature would take care of the "problem" ?that it would be too traumatic to induce labor when my body was not ready to deliver this child. For the next two weeks I lived in a fog. I couldn?t eat. All I did was cry. I would lay in bed at night and feel my child?s still form laying sideways under my ribcage. Sometimes I would push at the still form and plead ?Please, wake up. I need you; I can?t lose you.? But the baby didn?t wake up and on Thursday morning, August 26, 1982 I woke up at 7:30 a.m. in labor. At the time I kept remarking I had the worst gas pains I had ever had. We went to Ron?s mother?s house. She took one look at me and asked how long I had been in labor. I was still denying I was in labor at 5:00 p.m., when my sister-in-law told me, ?Karen, the pains are only three minutes apart. We are going to have to go to the hospital.? It was at that moment that I realized why I had been denying it all day?soon my baby would be gone from my body, and he would be gone from my life.
?????The pains were down to being only two minutes apart by the time we got to the hospital. Ron dropped his sister and I off at the emergency room door and said he would park the car. That was the last I would see of him for three days. He didn?t park; he left. Things began to speed up. I had just gotten admitted to labor and delivery when I said I had to go to the bathroom. As I sat down, my water broke. From there it was straight to a private labor room. My sister-in-law stayed there every minute?holding my
hand, doing my Lamaze breathing with me.
?????The doctor came in to check me and I heard him tell the nurse I was ready; that I only had to deliver the head yet. I asked him what he meant and he told me the baby had been breech and that it was in the birth canal, only the head wasn?t free. On the next contraction he instructed me to push and I felt him give a gentle tug and I felt my child enter the world. I tried to lean up but a nurse quickly pushed me back to the bed. ?It?s a boy,? the doctor said, and quickly handed him off to a nurse that left the room quickly. ?I want to see him,? I told the doctor. He shook his head at me. ?No Karen, it is best that you do not,? he assured me. How many times since then have I wished I had stood firm on this. But I was exhausted and I trusted the doctor so I didn?t argue. I asked the nurse for a lock of his hair. She told me there wasn?t enough to cut. She asked me if I wanted the hospital to take care of the arrangements. Luckily I was able to comprehend this question. They were going to put my son in the incinerator like a piece of trash. I told her no and that I had made arrangements with a local funeral home.
?????I called the wonderful man who had helped me prepare for this event. Even though it was after 10:00 p.m., he assured me he would be right over to pick up my son and take him to the funeral home. On Saturday morning I was released from the hospital, carrying a little stuffed monkey with me instead of my son. The chaplain had stopped in to see me. He asked me if I was naming my baby. I told him Kyle, because he had always been Kyle to me and Thomas after my Dad who had died in 1979. I was sure he was the one the angels had handed Kyle to when they took him through the Gates of Heaven. The chaplain had smiled and told me he was glad I had named him because he was a real person and deserved that much.
?????I called the funeral home to make sure everything was in place for his small private service on Monday. I told George, the funeral director, that I didn?t even get to hold my son. He assured me that he would make sure I held him, but added that I had to promise not to lift the blanket to look at him. It was then that he explained why the doctor had discouraged me from seeing him. He said that because I had carried him dead for almost three weeks his skin had started to peel away and when the
doctor had tugged to free him he had removed large portions of his facial skin. He told me to just visualize what I thought he looked like and to let that be enough. And because this man had been so kind, so caring, I knew I needed to trust him on this.
?????Monday I went to the funeral home a little early. Only my
sister-in-law and I were to be allowed private time with Kyle. She had been with me through it all and I thought she deserved to say goodbye to her nephew. As I went in the small room, I was shocked to see the tiny white casket on the sofa. George helped me to sit down and then turned and lifted the small blanket wrapped form of my son and laid him in my arms. I cuddled him. I felt through the blanket to feel his small feet and hands but I
never lifted the blanket. I silently handed him to Taree and watched her cry quietly as she whispered things to the baby she had wanted almost as much as I had wanted him. Her brother, Kyle?s daddy, never showed up to tell his son goodbye.
?????The minister entered the room and walked over to me as I held Kyle for the last few moments. He prayed for us and I remember him saying that God doesn?t make mistakes. Those words comforted me so. I knew that Kyle?s brief existance was for a reason. And I knew that I would see him again in Heaven someday. I don?t remember much else about that day. I don?t remember the ride to the cemetery, but I remember feeling comforted by the fact that I had his tiny casket laid at the head of my Dad?s grave.
?????For many months I didn?t think I could go on for another day. The tears never stopped. Then one year almost to the day from Kyle?s death I woke up so sick that I couldn?t get out of bed. And I knew in that exact instant that Kyle was smiling down at me. That his little sister was on her way. I knew from the beginning that this child was a girl; just as I had known Kyle was a boy?and even more blessed?I knew that this baby would be coming home with me. Twenty months to the day of Kyle?s birth, on April 26, 1984, my miracle, 5 pound 2 ounces of pure joy entered my world.
?????Gina Taree was born by emergency C-section. She had gone into distress and the doctor who had been monitoring me so closely decided to take her to be safe. But I had known she had her own little angel brother that was protecting her. Gina has brought such happiness to me, but she was never a replacement for Kyle. She is simply his little sister. She is not my firstborn. She is not my only child, even though those who have never lost a child think she is.
?????There is not a single day that I don?t think of my son. He would be almost twenty-seven now...finished with college...starting a life on his own. I smile at that thought. His flame was brief, but oh so bright. It?s warmth still fills my heart. And I know he is with me. I feel his presence. There have even been times when I have been upset and I hear a voice say, ?Don't cry Mom, it will be okay,? and I am instantly comforted because it is not my Gina?s voice, but that of a strong young man. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it is Kyle. To some that may seem farfetched, but a mother recognizes the voice of her own child, even if she never got to hear it.