12/14/96Ok so I was bored...I decided to spruce up the page. Ya like? I've been messing around with a new program. Jules has helped.
I've been reading over what I've written in the past months(over looking the spelling mistakes) and I've noticed how much I've change, and also how much I've stayed the same. It's weird how someone like a meager crush can affect a persons emotions. I mean, with Ben...I still like him...but I guess it wasn't meant to be. But, it makes me really sad that I am so vulnerable to a relationship. It reminds me of an old cartoon I used to watch...Someone would sit on the shell of a turtle...and dangle a carrot in front of it's face on a fishing pole. The turtle would eventually start moving towards the carrot trying to get it. I feel like "love" is being dangled in front of my face. It's a mere trick that will end in my heart just being crushed. So, I've concluded that although I may want a relationship...I'm still not mature enough for one. I dunno if I ever will be.
I'm sitting in our patio-type room. It's not really a patio. It's more like a family room. TV, VCR, Computer...all here. My fingers are freezing tho. I have the TV turned to MTV and I am watching a marathon of the Real World 5. Sarah was awesome. She's like my idol. She's sorta free-spirited and minded, and she also has her morals and beliefs. She's also not shy... I dont' think I'm shy to a certain extent. I mean I'm shy around guys...but isn't that natural? At least, natural at first? I dunno, I could just be the black sheep of the family or something.
It's sprung into my mind why I actually write in this thing. I mean, I don't know if anyone actually reads the happenings of my life, but I guess I just do it because I have no one to vent the problems to in real life. So I can just type away at my trusty old keyboard...and it does sorta console me for a bit, but then reality rears it's ugly head...and it hits me that...nothing is solved.
I'm trying to be as nice as possible to my family for the holidays. It's so hard, tho.
12/16/97
Ugh. Today is just *NOT* my day. I came home and I was just sitting in my dark room...just thinking...thinking about a lot of things. And I got to thinking that I really don't like Christmas much. If I had it my way...there'd be no holidays at all. I hate my family...well most of it, at least. Sitting on my bed and just thinking how I could have made my life different. I like my life...well...sometimes I like it, but sometimes I just want to rip something to shreds until it feels pain...my pain. My brother just came home from college. Great, 2 whole months of Chris. I can't take it sometimes. I just want this "Happy Holiday" to end. My grandmother ordered me this beautiful shirt...it came in the mail today. I fell in love with it. My mom had the bright idea to make me a skirt(she used to make all of her clothes when she was my age) for Christmas to wear with it. I thought it would be okay. Today, we went to the fabric store. Before we left she asked me to get the shirt so we could match it up...but I wanted a black skirt...what was there to match?! She brought it anyway. Shoved it in a plastic bag and was out the door. We got to the fabric store, picked out the pattern, and searched for some fabric. We found some and as my mom took out the shirt to see if it looked alright with the fabric(which I don't understand) it had black splotches all over it! I mean...I know material possessions and all aren't so important...but she just threw it to the side like she didn't give a crap. She was like "oh.". I was so mad at her. I gave her the meanest looks I could scrape up. She tried to clean it...but I don't think it worked. I just get a shirt in the mail...it's perfect...not a speck of imperfection on it...she gets a hold of it...it's destroyed. Then she acts like I'm the bad guy just because I gave her hell. She deserved it. She didn't even apologize. So...it's ended with her wasting another freakin' 38 bucks to get another one... I guess the marks got on the shirt because something was in the bag. If she really cared she would have looked inside the bag...I dunno. I think I'm overreacting a lot here...it's just that this incident is the icing on the cake of my life. To someone else...my life isn't all that bad...I guess. But I don't like it. I guess no one's life is perfect. But mine isn't even close to normal. My mom screams at everyone if something goes wrong at work. My dad...he's ignored me for the entire 15 years of my life. Plus, he works nights so I only see him for 2 minutes after school and on Saturdays. My grandmother can get so aggravating sometimes. My brother can be incredibly annoying, bossy, and violent(I won't get into that). I know I'm not perfect...and I know I'm probably just a tad emotional now, but I try...which is more than I can say for my Brother and my Dad. I have no decent male figures in my life. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up when it comes to guys. Hmm. Oh well..I'm tired of venting on this screen. later
12/17/97 Tomorrow I go on a French trip to see "The Three Musketeers". I hope I spelled that correctly. Ah well. After the play, we go to the mall. I just wish it was a better mall...Stupid Quaker Mall. I hate it. Hardly any good stores. Nothing much happened today. Just me standing on my bus stop freezing my ASS off. Buuurr. My mom usually drops me off and I was just sitting there all hunched over trying to keep warm. Mmm Macaroni and cheese for dinner. Anyways, Bryan said he saw me on my bus stop. He said I looked all sad and lonely. Nah, I wasn't. Just sooo cold. So cold that I couldn't show an emotion due to my frozen face. If I moved, my warm skin touched the freezing material of my clothes. Oh well. Bye
