(11:53am EST) 10/10/98
i'm hating everyone right now...in fact, i hate you.. yeah you.. the one reading about me. i hate everything in this universe.. i hate god.. i hate typing.. and i hate everything that i used to find joy in. i don't see myself being happy in the near future... i bought a dress for the upcoming dance which i get to go to free due to my perfect attendance... now i'm just going to return it. i don't see myself going to dances either. maybe i'm not meant to have fun.. maybe i'm just here for the purpose of people to walk all over me like a welcome mat on a doorstep.
i sent bryan a very in deep emotional letter. i told him that i may have loved him.. and that he didn't try to understand what i was going through.. and that i feel as if i'm losing him. he read them all.. responded once.. then after i wrote back again.. he read them and did not respond.
all he could think to do is defend himself... i wasn't attacking him at all.. and i didn't mean for it to sound that way.. oh what the fuck.. i'm not in wrong here.. he is.. he moved on and didn't even tell me.. he just went away.. he doesn't care about me.. he never did... oh fuck.. i'll just post what i wrote and then what he wrote.. i could give two shits.
here's what i wrote:
hey.
okay... i'm going to type a lot of things in this email.. you can either choose to understand them.. or just to ignore them.. so if you don't care.. i suggest you delete it now.
first off.. you're the first guy that i've been close to.. ever. we were such good friends that i did not want to screw things over... i really do care for you. a lot...almost too much.
you have no idea how much i hurt every day knowing that i meant so little to you.. that you just move on... like the way you did. you didn't even try talking to me.. and you didn't bother to understand... you wrote in my yearbook... "i still love/like you" you don't just throw those words around as if they're meant to play with.
we've had some good times... i loved being close to you.. i've never had that before.. and it was a new and wonderful feeling that i was looking forward to having. i loved dancing with you.. i felt safe.. i loved holding your hand.. i got that fluttery feeling in my stomach that night at the movies.. for once in my life, i felt as if someone other than my mother had cared about me. was i wrong to believe in that? was i wrong to believe that you cared about me?
what i'm trying to say is that.. yeah, i was upset saturday night because i wanted to dance at least once with you.. no matter if you have gabby or not.. i just wanted to dance with you.. maybe for the last time even. i don't know.. ever since we broke our little thing off.. i've felt so empty... but wait a second.. we didn't even break it off.. i mean, maybe you thought i was breaking it off by ignoring you.. and yeah, i was wrong by ignoring you.. but it's not that i was deciding if i liked you or not.. i was deciding if i was ready to risk our friendship. you have to admit that our "friendship" is pretty messy now... we hardly talk at all like we used to... i can't act normal around you when i'm harboring these feelings for you.. it's just that... i know i screwed up a good thing.. i'm not asking for anything.. i just want you to know this.. maybe if i know you know all of this.. it will be easier to get over you.. or not.. but i can't keep going out and trying to have a social life when i keep getting upset about you and [insert ankle biter's name here].
i just wish you would have talked to me before you moved on. you made no effort.. and it's not like i wanted you to "fight" for me..or however you want to say it... i just wish that you would have cared for me enough to find out what i was thinking. but you didn't want to spend the time and try to understand.. or put yourself in my shoes.. it's just so hard to look at you anymore.. i can't look you in the eye.. i can't have a normal conversation with you.. i can't even go to a dance without worrying about seeing you there with her..
i just really wanted to have one last dance with you that night.. that's why i was crying.. that's why i was upset.. that's why i wanted to talk to you so desperately.
now you know all of my deepest and innermost thoughts.. if only it came a little sooner.. maybe we would still have what we had.. or at least our old friendship. i miss that.. a lot.
and now that i'm completely embarassed by telling you all this... i'll go dig a hole and hide out for the weekend.
here's what he wrote back:
.................
well with all that finally said I dunno what to say.... that's what I was looking for you to tell me then.... or something to that effect. and don't say I didn't try to understand, I did. I tried asking you.... I tried asking andra.... i couldn't get an answer and you know what it led me to believe.
and please please don't think [insert ankle biter's name here] is just some girl who comes along and this happens.. i've knwon her since middle school and some things happened back then too... so it's nothing new really. just so you don't think the wrong things about that....
what I wrote in the yearbook was true.... i did care about you more than you probably think.... and i was the one hurting when you were ignoring me, but now that I know why well, that just changes everything.
i don't want our friendship to be screwed up, I talk to you, I mess around with you still don't I? grr... i'd write more but i'm being yelled at to get off... must..kill...sister...
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my life sucks..
oh well.. fuck it. oh blah dee oh blah daa life goes on.. ohh la la la la life goes on.
