July 15, 1998

For the last year or so, I've been devoting much of my free-thought time to trying to figure out people. I've decided that there just has to be an average type of human being, no matter what critics say. This is not about the average person. At least, I hope it's not the average person. This is about a certain breed of people that I'm sure contaminate the entire world with their self-righteous stupidity. Yes, this essay is about the duck-people.

What is a duck-person? Well, a duck-person is the one who likes to think that they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, when really they're about as special as whale waste in the Atlantic Ocean. This is the person who will do anything he can, even betray the people close to them, to get inanimate objects (such as cellular phones, convertibles, and flashy jewelry) that they hope will help them attract a member of the opposite sex. Usually, though, these things and the fact that they're so unfairly in their possession make the people they want to attract loath them all the more.

Another characteristic of these useless people is their incredible certainty of themselves. If there is a law, they will break it and not expect to pay the consequences, because they think it doesn't apply to them. If they are going after something or someone that they can't have, and that fact is evident to even their dullest of friends, they will still go after it because they can't understand that they will never ever get everything they want.

Finally, the last characteristic and probably the biggest turn-off of these people is their incredibly huge amount of stupidity. This is how they acquire the name of 'duck.' See, in my neighborhood we have long-since believed that ducks are the silliest creatures alive, because they nest on roofs, the corners of busy streets, and in closed-off courtyards. Basically, the point is, their babies will more that likely die two weeks after they're born. And duck-people are just like that. They just do things they think will make others like them more, they don't think about anything they're doing, and in the end, they come away with less friendships than they started out with. Just like the ducks, who start out with a whole bunch of eggs, and leave with barely any babies.

In closing, be careful that you never run into these people. It's not that they'll actually affect you in any earth-shattering way, but they will be in your life like a nasty blackhead that just won't go away, no matter how many face-strips you put on it. And that, my dears, is something no self-respecting, possibly-average person wants in their life