Because of the delicate nature of old family secrets and the desire for anonymity, we prefer to go by Corrie's name here. Corrie is actually the name of a character we developed back in 1984 when our high school class made us a part of the planning committee for our ten-year reunion. We did little more than provide a meeting place close to the school (our house). Actually, I believe that's all we did do. Oh well, never expect us to hurt ourselves with work.
I'm not sure when Corrie became more than a fictional character; I only know that she did. Her life history mirrors that of the system -- to a certain point. She was married and gave birth to a daughter. She became a self-imposed prisoner of her own house; a hermit who only ventured outside if she ran out of cigarettes. She was really a sad little creature, but she was happy in her own way.
Eli
had been with me for at least ten years by that point. His character is
such that he's hard to resist and he's impossible to forget. He entered
Corrie's story as a reluctant hero and, of course, ended up saving the
day. Whether he won her heart or not depends upon who you ask. More than
a decade later, they are still together.
Corrie battles clinical depression every day of her life. She has agoraphobia and suffers panic attacks. I'm not sure if the system only experiences these maladies when Corrie is presenting or if we simply chose to relate these particular symptoms to her. In any case, the depression, the panic attacks, and the agoraphobia are all a part of my life. And a very uncomfortable part, I might add. For anyone who has never experienced it, be grateful.
There was a time when I did not go outside for long periods of time. I didn't know enough about mental illness to recognize what was wrong with me. I had been told I was lazy all of my life and I thought that's all it was. There were days when I did not bathe or brush my teeth. I only went to the store when I could not get anyone else to bring me a carton of cigarettes. I would spent endless hours, chain-smoking, and typing the same story lines over and over on my old manual typewriter. There were days when my fingers would nearly bleed, but I could not stop. A bit of obsessive/compulsive behaviors? Most likely.
I suffered from insomnia, of course, and never felt "good". I gained massive amounts of weight from compulsive eating, which only made me more depressed. It was an endless, exhausting cycle and I had no power to break it.
Unfortunately, at the time of this writing (9/21/98), I am caught in that cycle again. Is it simply Corrie breaking through in order to share her stories? Or is it just me? And is there a difference?
Would it be safe to say that I AM Corrie? And that she is me? Of all the alters, Corrie IS the one who most mirrors my own life experiences. I only wish I could just give in to my illness as she has done. I only wish I could bury myself in data and books and never have to go outside again. If I could have a wish come true this night, that would be it.
--jcslf (the system)