I’ve always been a boy. True, I live in a girl’s body, but I – the person that I truly am, the way I think and feel and operate – that person that is the me inside my head – is male. It’s always a shock when someone refers to me as "ma’am", or "her." My name hasn’t always been Eli. I’ve been known as Chris, Jude, Stephen, Royal… even Corey… several names down through the years.

I was created when the original baby girl split. My earliest memory is of laying in a crib, looking up at curtains with animals on them. The curtains were blowing and the wind felt soft and gentle on my skin. I knew this wasn’t my place, or hadn’t been until that moment.

Clear memories: 4 – 7 years old

Playing Billy the Kid with cousins. I was always the outlaw who got the girl. Everybody wanted to be rescued by me, cos I was so good at it. I made it seem "real". <grin> They didn’t know it WAS real to me. I never remember playing a game where I was a girl.

My cousin was older and bossier and made sure she got to be my girl whenever she was around. She was the first girl I ever kissed. Thought it was pretty gross at first. She convinced me it wasn’t.

Talked with her recently and she made a comment that got me to thinking. See, Corrie remembered an incident from years ago when they were kids.Her cousin was molested by a family member in an upstairs bedroom at our grandparents’ house during a family get-together. Corrie remembered hiding behind the bed in the bedroom, intending to play a prank. But she witnessed the molestation instead. My cousin's comment was that "I" was always her hero, always her rescuer, her knight in shining armor. She said it must have been devastating to "me" – the boy – to have witnessed that and be powerless to stop it.

It was.

See, I figure I was "created" to be the boy her parents (read father) wanted so badly. Nobody bothered to tell her/us that what she/we was/were doing was inappropriate. No one bothered to explain that girls can’t be boys and imaginary boys can’t actually be alive and breathe and think and FEEL. By the time someone told us that, it was too late. I was already alive and a part of her and had a life of my own. She was very proud of me and tried to show me off to her parents, especially the father. I mean I was for him, after all, so he wouldn’t be so sad cos the real little baby boy had died. But we were punished for talking about me; for lying.

For as long as I can remember, we’ve been taking care of each other. Whatever one of us couldn’t handle, the other did. We didn’t actually talk it out or try to figure out who would do what – it just seemed to happen.

Before too much longer, she split again – into three very different girls. I guess she figured if the boy thing wasn’t working, she would just become a better girl … but which one?? Juliet, the rich, perfect Daddy’s girl? Julia, the smart one with glasses? Or Julie, the tomboy juvenile delinquent? Personally, I liked Julie the best. <grin> She was the most fun to play with.

When did I split? As far as I know, there was just one boy until after the seven year trauma. Then there were many. One little boy just couldn’t carry all that crap.

How did we get from there to here? How did that simple girl/boy split in the beginning become the system we have today? And why do Corrie and Eli hold the memories for the original Judy and Chris? And if we simply changed our names back, would that make all of this go away? Would that make everything alright?

I know it wouldn’t.