During the time an individual is experiencing a major, life-altering event -- such as divorce -- he or she is incapable of rational decisions. Emotions are running high and every thought seems to be controlled by those emotions. It is imperative to use extreme caution during this time, until the emotional upheaval has had a chance to subside.
There is a certain type of individual who seems to prey upon the victims of this temporary (hopefully!) whirlwind of emotion. He or she presents as a concerned friend or simply as a shoulder to cry on. For our purposes here, we'll use the male as the predator (understanding that the female is just as likely and just as capable to act in a predatory manner). He feigns sympathy, listens to every bitter word, and he makes certain that his victim feels very safe. As he is listening to everything the estranged husband did wrong, he is also formulating his plan of attack. By taking all the negatives about her previous relationship, he can now take on the appearance of her perfect man. Attentive, sensitive, gentle, understanding; all traits to endear a man to a woman whether she's hurting or not, but especially to the victim of an abusive relationship. The battle is over almost before it is begun in most cases. He usually wins. And the victim is a victim yet again; her lagging self-esteem dealt a vicious, sometimes deadly blow.
Does it seem that I'm placing all the blame on the man? Or the predator? Am I excusing the victim for her actions? Absolving her of all responsibility? NO.
Had she been thinking clearly, she would have realized that this man was married. No matter that he says the little woman doesn't understand him. He is a married man, with children usually. The victim has no business having a conversation with this man, yet she's willing to meet him in a seedy motel, using an alias. Even our little victim has more common sense than this. Even while enduring gut-wrenching emotional pain, she still has the capacity to think for herself to some extent. So, the victim isn't innocent. She's just a victim.
And what of the predator? What are his motives? It seems very clear. He's looking for a little excitement in his life. His wife just doesn't fulfill his fantasies anymore. She's always tired or busy with the kids. Or maybe she's suffering from frequent headaches. Or maybe he's just bored. Whatever; he's looking for self-gratification. The woman's needs are not important well, except for one area. I mean, he's got to keep her coming back, doesn't he? But her real needs are ignored.
What the woman needs is a friend. Someone who won't take advantage of her weakness, her vulnerability. Someone who realizes that if she were "herself", she would never allow him inside her defensive boundaries. She needs someone who truly cares about her, not about what he can get from her.
I guess victims will just be victims until they wise up.
07/20/98
Corrie Sawyer (or someone who looks an awfully lot like her)