Imagine how Judi* felt when, after thirty-five years of struggling to keep her head above water, she was told -- flat out -- that she was just a figment of someone else's imagination.

"I felt extraordinarily free, once the shock had worn off." Those were the words of a shattered self who thought herself to be on the brink of insanity. According to Judi's own account, she has almost no memories of childhood.

"For as long as I can remember, I've been watching other people, trying to emulate their actions, their words, their morals. I've been trying to figure out how to live, how to exist in this world where I don't really belong." With a wry smile, she adds, "I always thought I was just shallow. I didn't know it was because I wasn't real."

Judi has been diagnosed with DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. Her diagnosis came after her grandson was taken into state custody, an alleged victim of Shaken Baby Syndrome. Subsequent events and her inability to deal with the emotional trauma involved led her to seek help.

Her greatest wish is to be accepted for what she is and to not be treated like a freak. "I'm am no Sybil," she says, emphatically. "There are a lot of things I don't yet know about myself, but I do know I would never intentionally harm anyone."

Judi belongs to what is known as a "co-conscious" multiple system. This system is created when a child experiences trauma from which they long to escape, but cannot. The child then "splits" into separate personalities or states of awareness; making one part free from the trauma while the other bears the pain for the newly created system.

It has not yet been determined how many other "alter" personalities there are in Judi's system. And the trauma that caused the original split in her personality is an illusive subject. Weekly counseling sessions have brought about major breakthroughs, despite Judi's fears of finding out the truth about her past.

Dissociative Identity Disorders, once thought to be extremely rare, are now thought to affect a significant percentage of the population. While some in the mental health field still hold to the belief that DID does not exist, others are more concerned with securing the most reliable treatment for patients presenting with problems related to the disorder.

Dissociation is a very natural process. We all do it, to one degree or another. Highway hypnosis is a very mild form of dissociation; on the other end of the spectrum is Multiple Personality Disorder, where one personality has no recollection of the times or events when another personality is in control of the body. These extreme cases are the ones featured in film and books. While these stories make for engrossing entertainment, most DID patients are nothing like the image portrayed in them.

Between highway hypnosis and MPD, there are many levels of dissociation. These mid-line cases are known as co-conscious. The alter personalities inside these individuals work more or less in a cooperative effort, usually maintaining an external appearance of continuity. This process has been likened to a group of people looking out a window; the ones in the back do not have as good a view as the front line and everyone sees things from their own perspective.

Previous to her diagnosis, Judi had suspected that something strange was going on. She would suddenly drift off in the middle of a conversation and not be able to recall what was said. She would leave for work and then find herself miles down the road with no recollection of how she got there. Her family and friends were frustrated by her inability to remember things they told her. She was horribly afraid that she had a brain tumor and began to shop around for life insurance. Little did she realize, these lapses in her memory were simply other facets of the personality she belongs to "coming out." Looking back, Judi says she already know some of "the others", but she thought they were fictional characters she had created for the stories she sometimes wrote. She had been "borrowing" some of their characteristics when under pressure and had not even been aware of it.

After several months in regular counseling sessions, Judi's outlook has begun to change. "I'm not really a fictional character," she said recently. "God gave me the gift of dissociation so that I could survive something that would have otherwise killed me. I am thankful and I am grateful, even for all the rough times, because He has been with me through it all. If [our grandson] hadn't been taken from our family; if we hadn't had to walk through that terrible valley, I would have never come to know the Lord as intimately and as deeply as I do now. I would have continued believing that I was worthless. And I would have still been consumed with guilt and shame. Thank God that I have found freedom from the old belief pattern I was raised with. When Jesus died for the sins of the world, He died for me. He covered all my sins. And He's so much more forgiving than I'll ever be."

When asked if she would allow us to speak with "the others", she grinned and said, "You just did."

* Otherwise known as "Birthperson"

-- Corrie Sawyer

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