Disclaimer: Not mine. all George's.

Category: Humor/Parody

Pairing: Obi/Qui

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Thou shalt not mind-whammy thy mastah...

"You will kiss me."

"I beg your pardon?"

Obi-wan waved his hand through the air once more. "You WILL kiss me, Master."

Both of them paused for a reaction.

Finally, Qui-gon lifted an eyebrow. "I guess not." He turned around and headed to his study table, agitated padawan in hot pursuit.

"You WILL kiss me now, Master." Obi-wan insisted.

His master sifted through his documents, not even looking at him.

"Master, I can't do this if you don't keep eye contact with me!"

His master dropped his papers and fixed Obi-wan with an annoyed glare.

"Er." Obi-wan's voice faltered under the sithly gaze of his master. "You uh, you will kiss me now?" He commanded uncertainly, his hand wafting through the air weakly.

"I doubt it, padawan." Qui-gon replied dryly. "Now if you don't mind, I have a meeting with the council, and you've taken up enough of my time already-"

"But Master, how will I ever learn to put the force to good use if you won't cooperate with me?" Obi-wan pressed.

"You call this putting the force to good use? Lest you forget, let me remind you that mind-whammying your master is a grave sin punishable by massaging Master Yoda's feet." His master threatened before opening the door to leave. "I'll see you later, padawan."

"YOU WILL KISS ME, MASTER."

Qui-gon's hand actually froze on the doorknob.

He shook his head as if to clear his mind as Obi-wan started to bounce excitedly behind him.

"Yes, master..."Obi-wan cooed, his confidence boosted tenfold. "You WILL come here and kiss me..." His hand sliced through the air in a fluid arc.

Qui-gon took an unsteady step toward his apprentice before forcing himself to click back to reality. He moved back. "Padawan, don't you dare."

"You will do as I say, Masterrrrr..." Obi-wan grinned mischievously as his master frowned in confusion.

"I will not."

"Yes, you will."

"I will?" Qui-gon swayed dreamily.

"Don't refuse the will of the force, Master."

Obi-wan's voice must've had something menacing in it, because Qui-gon seemed to fall under his spell completely. Obi-wan had to fight the urge to laugh as his venerable master immediately rushed towards him and enfolded him in an embrace. I've done it, I've finally got it, he thought gleefully as his master caressed his cheek tenderly. He could barely breathe as Qui-gon brought their faces closer together. That'll teach him to mock my force skills in future, Obi-wan triumphed as he closed his eyes, bracing himself for the feel of his master's mouth against his, when suddenly his master whispered against his lips...

"I am going to feed you to the Hutts, padawan mine."

"Aaaaaah!!" Obi-wan's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. Oh SITHSPIT my master is going to KILL me for this oh Force oh Force oh Force help me...He struggled to escape Qui-gon's embrace but his master's strong arms held him fast as he murmured matter-of-factly, "The force can't help you now, padawan. You are dead. Dead, dead, dead. Do you know what you are?"

Obi-wan slumped in Qui-gon's arms, utterly defeated. "I'm dead." He sighed.

"I sentence you to be Master Yoda's foot masseuse."

"Yes, Master."

"Forever."

"FOREVER? But I-"

Qui-gon flashed him a hard look.

"-would be honoured to, master." Obi-wan finished hastily.

Obi-wan could've sworn he heard a faint cackle somewhere out there.

Oh well. At least he had ended up exactly where he wanted to be after all.

Qui-gon's eyes softened as Obi-wan suddenly snuggled closer to him, burying his head in his tunic.

"Master?"

"Hmm?"

"I thought I had you for a second."

"Only for a second, padawan."

"Oh."

Pause.

"Can I try again?"

End.