Title: Of Guilt and Necessity
Author: The Rose
Archive: M/A and my web site, http://www.sockiipress.org/~rose
Rating: NC-17
Category: Angst
Warnings: Um, bring a hankie? Otherwise, just that this is not the kind of fic I usually write. I like happy endings, and this (sob) doesn't have one.
Spoilers: None
Feedback: (waves hand slowly in air) You WILL send feedback. Ah, come on! If I had to write this thing, you have to at least tell me what you think!
Summary: In answer to Emu challenge, which was: write a fic using this plot - "Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan have agreed that they love each other, and want to form a lifebond, but they haven't bonded yet. Obi- Wan goes out one day and gets caught in a Plot Device where a friend, or fellow Jedi (someone he already knows) is injured, and the only way to save them is to form a lifebond with that person. So he does. Obi-Wan has to go back to Qui- Gon and break the news that he has a new partner."

** xxx ** denotes thoughts.

It was lonely in the Temple without Qui-Gon. He'd been gone several days now, and Obi-Wan's heart felt empty, and his bed even emptier. Though he and his Master weren't officially a bonded couple yet, they had discussed it, after both of them finally declared their love for the other a few tens ago.

It had been the most glorious time in Obi-Wan's twenty-two years. Except when on a mission where time or the situation forbade it, they made love every night --- several times --- and usually again in the morning.

And sometimes at midday.

Obi-Wan smiled, feeling his cock stir at the mere thought of his gorgeous, virile, sensuous Master. His gorgeous, virile, sensuous Master who would be home, Force willing, sometime tonight.

** I need to do something special for him, ** the Padawan thought. ** After all, this is the first time we've been separated since we became lovers. I'll fix us a late dinner, with candlelight and his favorite wine . . .**

He glanced at the chrono. Sith, it was well past midmeal already, and if he wanted to go shopping for everything he'd need, he'd have to do it now. Grabbing his robe off the back of the chair, he hurried to the public transport stop outside the Temple. Minutes later, he slumped into a narrow seat beside an overweight, sweating Twi'lek. One of his massive head tentacles slid to the side and draped across Obi-Wan's shoulder. Composing his face into Jedi calm, Obi-Wan tried to ignore it, even as it wriggled against his neck. Then, a tickle at the edge of his mind that felt like someone trying to get his attention made him turn.

A few rows behind him sat Jedi Knight Tahl. Her blind, unfocused eyes stared in his direction and the slight smile showed that she knew he was there. Pushing the heavy lekku off his shoulder, he rose and moved back to join her.

"May I?" he said, waving casually at the empty seat beside her, knowing that she didn't need her eyes to see the gesture.

Her smile widened. "Why else did you think I called you?" she asked. "Is Qui-Gon not back yet?"

"No, but he's supposed to arrive tonight."

"Ah," she said with a knowing nod. "Planning something special, are you?"

He looked at her in surprise. "How did you know that?"

She shrugged. "Simple deduction. Most Padawans would be home frantically cleaning their room, or catching up on their studies before their Master found out that they had gotten behind. Instead, you're on the public trans heading uptown." She leaned closer and lowered her voice. "So, give. What are you planning?"

He felt himself blushing and resisted the urge to squirm in his seat. "Nothing fancy," he said, his tone matching hers. "Just a romantic dinner. You know, wine, candles . . ."

"Ah, sounds perfect," Tahl sighed. She settled back into her seat. "Qui-Gon will love it." She nudged him with her elbow. "Almost as much as he loves you."

Obi-Wan's blush deepened, and he glanced around to see if anyone had seen him. A startled gasp from Tahl yanked him back to the moment.

"Down!" she yelled, shoving him to the floor and throwing herself across his body. A split second later, with a deafening screech of tearing, twisting metal, the world upended. He heard screams, felt the pain of something impacting solidly with his head, and then the world went black.

"Hey, Jedi! Hey! Are you still with us?"

Obi-Wan opened his eyes slowly, blinking at the blinding shaft of sunlight that seemed to sear his retinas, and tried to roll up onto one elbow. Hands restrained him for a moment, then finally gave up and helped him sit up. "What happened?" he asked, his voice ringing hollowly in his ears.

"Transport wreck," the still unidentified voice said. "It's a real mess, too."

"Is anyone hurt?" Obi-Wan asked, scrubbing at his blurry eyes with the back of one hand.

"Hurt? Oh, yeah. Seventeen dead, a couple dozen injured, several critically. Um --- including that other Jedi."

Obi-Wan jerked erect at that. "Tahl?" he gasped, taking a look around for the first time. Nearby, it's twisted carcass still smoking, was the airbus he had been on. Bodies littered the ground, many of them covered head to toe with blankets or coats or whatever could be found. Others still hung from the wreckage, hopelessly trapped in the ruins of the transport. People were sobbing in terror, moaning in pain, and a few feet away --- ** Oh, Force! **

Obi-Wan struggled to his knees, shrugging off the offer of assistance without really hearing it, and crawled to Tahl's side. She was ghostly pale, her pale brown robe soaked nearly through with blood from a terrible wound to the side of her face. A medic bent over her, running a handheld scanner over her unconscious body.

"Is she alive?" Obi-Wan demanded, too shaken to reach out to the Force to judge for himself.

"Yes," the medic said. "But she won't be. Not for long. Unless . . ."

"Unless, what?" Obi-Wan asked when the medic trailed off.

The man looked up, his hazel eyes haunted. "Is she bonded to anyone?"

Obi-Wan blinked. "She has a Padawan," he began, but the medic shook his head.

"No. I mean, a life bond. Is she life bonded to anyone?"

Obi-Wan shook his head then regretted it a moment later when his vision grayed out around the edges. "No," he said. "Would that make a difference?"

"Undoubtedly," the medic said. "If she was, and her bonded could get here quickly enough ---" He broke off again, shaking his head. "Well, it doesn't matter at this point." He started to rise, but Obi-Wan grabbed his arm and prevented it.

"Wait! Aren't you going to do anything for her? You can't just leave her!"

"There's nothing more I can do," the medic told him, pulling free. "I'm sorry, but until more medical help arrives, I have a duty to the ones who still have a chance to survive." And then, he was gone.

Obi-Wan bent over Tahl's motionless form. He reached out one hand and touched her temple, searching for her life force. He found it --- barely --- and struggled to latch on to it, trying to keep it from slipping away into death.

"Don't die, Tahl," he pleaded. "Please, don't die."

The shimmer in the Force that was Tahl wavered, becoming fainter by the second. ** I can't let her die, especially not after she saved my life! ** Obi-Wan told himself. ** I have to do whatever it takes to save her! ** He closed his eyes, reaching deeper into the Knight's mind. ** Forgive me, my Master, ** he sent silently, wishing Qui-Gon could hear him. Taking her cool hands in his, he did what was needed. Using the Force, he gathered up the tattered tendrils that were all that remained of Tahl's spirit and spiraled them into his own, entwining them, linking them together at the deepest level of their souls.

A small voice in the back of his mind screamed at him to stop, that what he was doing was permanent, that it would ruin everything, that nothing would ever be the same if he did this. ** How can I not? ** he asked that voice. ** How could I live with myself if I have the power to save her and don't? **

A few minutes later, his head spinning, Obi-Wan lowered himself to the ground beside Tahl, still holding tightly to one of her hands. It was done. Already he could feel her Force signature strengthening, her spirit steadying. She would still need serious medical care, but she would live. He had ensured that much.

** Oh, Qui-Gon, my love. What have I done to us? **

"Calm you must be, Padawan," Yoda said as he met Qui-Gon on the landing platform. "Fine Obi-Wan will be. Not serious were his injuries. And Knight Tahl, in a bacta tank she is. Heal fully she will, I am told."

"If Obi-Wan is fine, then why is he still in the Healer's Wing? Why haven't they released him? And, why is he shielding from me?"

Yoda looked away, the tips of his ears drooping. "Answer that, Obi- Wan can," he said.

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes. ** The little green troll knows a lot more about this than he's willing to say, ** he thought. ** But, he's obviously told me all he's going to. ** "Then, if you'll excuse me, Master," he said aloud, "I'll go and see him myself."

"Hmmm," Yoda said softly as he watched Qui-Gon's retreating back. He shook his head sadly and sighed. "Sorry for this I am, Qui-Gon," he murmured, knowing the man striding rapidly away couldn't hear him. "Different now, your future will be." As his former Padawan disappeared into the Temple, Yoda limped slowly away, leaning wearily on his gimer stick.

Obi-Wan felt it when his beloved's --- he caught himself --- when his _Master's_ ship arrived. He sat beside Tahl's bacta tank, unable to stand being too far away from her, the newness of the life bond still binding them tightly together. He was closely shielding his mind, not wanting Qui-Gon to sense any of what had happened until he got the chance to explain it to him. He felt moisture welling up in his eyes at the thought, and dropped his head wearily into his hands.

** Oh, my love, what am I going to tell you? ** he wondered. ** But, I had to do it. I'm sure you'll understand that. Our friend Tahl would have died if I hadn't. **

He reached up and fingered the lump on the back of his head. The out of control delivery vehicle that had careened into the airbus had barely grazed him, while a piece of its shredded hull had injured Tahl badly. If she hadn't thrown him to the floor and covered him with her own body . . .

He closed his eyes, feeling a single tear trickle down his face. ** Oh, Force! Why? ** He broke off at the sound of the door opening, and looked up into the worried face of Qui-Gon Jinn.

"Master!" he gasped, rising. Qui-Gon was across the room in an instant, gathering Obi-Wan into his arms.

"Oh, thank the Force, Obi-Wan," the Jedi Master sighed, his words stirring the spiky hair on top of the Padawan's head and sending a chill down his back. "I was so afraid you were seriously hurt."

"I'm okay," Obi-Wan told him softly. He felt Qui-Gon testing his shields, wondering why they were there. "I --- have to tell you something."

"I know," Qui-Gon said, not releasing him. "Yoda told me that Tahl is seriously injured." Obi-Wan could feel his Master glancing toward the bacta tank. "But, she'll be all right?"

Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes. But, there's more."

Puzzled by his tone, Qui-Gon pulled back, still holding Obi-Wan and looking down into his eyes. "Tell me."

The Padawan blinked furiously as more tears spilled. "Oh, Master, I'm so sorry! I didn't want to do it, but the medic said that Tahl would die, and I couldn't let that happen! She saved my life, Master! That's probably why she was hurt as badly as she was! She was shielding me and ---"

Qui-Gon shook him slightly. "Obi-Wan!" he said desperately. "What are you trying to say?"

Obi-Wan stared into the eyes of the only person he'd ever loved, or ever would, he was sure, and words failed him. Unable to explain, he lowered the tight shields he had been maintaining, watching as the reality of the new bond swept through his link with Qui-Gon. Blue eyes widened, losing their focus, and Qui-Gon released Obi-Wan to stagger backward a few steps.

"You ---" The Master broke off, steeling himself by force of will. " - -- life bonded with her?" he finally managed to gasp out.

Obi-Wan nodded mutely.

"But --- how could --- oh, Force." Qui-Gon dropped into a chair, his expression numb with disbelief. Obi-Wan knelt quickly before him and caught his hands, holding them tightly.

"I'm so sorry, my love," he said. "If there had been any other way to save her ---" He raised one of Qui-Gon's hands and rubbed his damp cheek against it. "I love you, and I always will. This doesn't have to change that, does it?"

Qui-Gon didn't answer for a long time. Finally, Obi-Wan saw his Master gather his Jedi serenity around him like a suit of armor. The hands were pulled from his grasp and folded together in Qui-Gon's lap.

"You are life bonded to Tahl," he said, as if speaking it aloud would make it somehow easier to accept. "The love you have for me will fade, in time, and you will want only her." He reached out to grasp the Padawan braid, letting it slide slowly through his fingers, and tried to smile, although the effort looked as if it broke his heart. "Oh, my Padawan, I will always love you, but this changes everything."

He closed his eyes abruptly, obviously struggling for control. Then, he got to his feet, so quickly that Obi-Wan, still kneeling in front of him, nearly overbalanced as he tried to scoot away. "I will speak to the Council immediately about this. It would be best if Tahl can take over your training. You're close to Knighthood, so it should not adversely affect your progress."

"Master, no!"

"It will be more difficult for Padawan Bant, but I know that she and Knight Forssen are close. Perhaps he will take her as his apprentice." He turned toward the door, pulling away when Obi-Wan's fingers closed around the gathers of his robe. "This will be handled quickly, never fear," he said as he walked away.

"What will you do?" Obi-Wan asked, still on his knees and feeling as if he'd never be able to draw a full breath again around the grief that constricted his chest.

Qui-Gon halted but did not turn around. "I will ask the Council for a new mission immediately," he said, his voice cracking despite his rigid control. "I --- need to be away for awhile. This will be difficult enough for you and --- for you and Tahl --- without me ---" He drew a quivering breath, then straightened his back with an audible snap. "I'll dissolve our training bond, of course, before I leave." He lowered his head, his shoulders visibly slumping. "Obi- Wan, I ---" He broke off, and with a quick shake of his head, Qui-Gon walked through the door and out of Obi-Wan's life.

Alone on the floor of the treatment room, Obi-Wan Kenobi collapsed into uncontrollable tears, stirring, finally, only when the life bond tugged at him. Steeling himself, he turned toward the bacta tank. Against all odds, Tahl was awake. Her sightless eyes stared at him. She looked so helpless, hanging there in the thick healing fluid, one side of her face swollen around the sealed edges of her jagged wound. Watching her, Obi-Wan felt his heart clinch painfully with the desire --- no, the need --- to touch her.

And, inside the tank, Tahl blinked slowly as a single tear cascaded down her face.

The End.