Series: Little Dark Deeds (eventually)
Archive: MA and anyone else who wants it! (Just ask first
please!)
Category: Angst, POV
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon come together after all. (Set before
TPM)
Feedback: Please please please please! I need some enouragement
and constructive crit badly! (You can direct those here or to my
other email address up above)
Note!!!: Heh this is my first fic that I've written all on my
own. Some of you might recognize me from the Obi/Bruck story
"First Night", which I'm writing with Justis. (And
don't worry, we'll get another piece of that out soon hopefully. nudges
Justis)
Just want to add a warning onto the story, because it was pointed
out to me that the story was in need of one. The story contains a
debatable semi-consensual erotic scene. It's not flat out
unwanted, but it's not the ideal romantic and loving scene
either. Mostly it's just upset over the fact that it didn't
happen the way one or the other wanted it to because of a play of
power. That's the best I can do in describing it. Hope it helps
some.
Disclaimer!! (something I forgot dhe first time, why do I always
do that? Gee...Freudian slip I guess) All characters herein
belong to Lucasfilm etc etc. Making NO profit from this, just a
fun amateur effort.
Part 1
(Obi-Wan)
I toweled dry my hair, letting out an exhausted sigh as I came
out of the fresher, moisture and steam still clinging to my bare
skin and swirling about in the cooler air of my sleeping
quarters. I would be glad to finally be able to sink down into my
mattress and fall into a deep sleep. Any minute now. I just...had
to slip on my sleep clothes. My eyelids were drooping even as I
dropped the towel on the floor and pulled up my loose leggings.
Ah, this was good enough. I dropped into the bed with a contented
exhale and rolled over onto my side, pulling a sheet with me. The
small lamp beside my bed was still on and was pouring a glow of
soft pinkish light directly onto my face, but it no longer
mattered.
I must have been asleep quite instantly, for I don't recall
hearing any small noises. I'm surprised I didn't wake, although
I'm sure somewhere, I sensed there was no danger whatsoever, and
so my body was allowed to sleep through it.
I did awake, however, when I was suddenly turned, thrown over on
my stomach, the sheet ripped away. It was rough, but I only
bounced into the soft mattress. Before I had time to react save
for a small yelp of surprise, I was pressed down by a heavy
weight surging over my back. My wrists were yanked back with a
bit of pain, and held tightly in one large and very strong, hand.
I was, at that point, just a little scared, but quite instantly
after I realized the fear, I became aware that the weight was
very familiar, despite the fact that I'd never felt it in this
manner before. I relaxed under the pressure, turned my head to
the side so I could breathe better and let out a soft laugh.
"What are you doing, Master?" I asked through a smile,
straining to lift my head and look at him.
My head was pushed down immediately by another large hand. I
frowned at the pang of tingling it sent through my neck.
"Don't speak." His voice was unusually throaty,
slightly gruff and...urgent, perhaps.
It was then that a wave of concern hit me. Was something wrong?
Was I to keep quiet because someone or something was coming? I
froze, didn't move at all. //What's going on?// No response. I
felt my words thrown back at me as if an echo, but the emotion
behind them was absorbed. How odd.
I felt his weight on me shift. He was straddling my waist now,
sitting on me without mercy, considering just how heavy he really
was.
Now confusion replaced the concern. Nothing was wrong, he'd have
told me so...
"Master...?" I questioned him again, this time letting
my confusion be heard.
His weight shifted again just slightly and I felt the silkiness
of the ends his hair, unbidden by the usual tie, trace along my
bare back. My muscles quivered and tensed under the soft tickle
of it. Oh, what was he doing? I couldn't bring myself to ask
again, it felt too good suddenly. And ah! Qui-Gon! What! His
mouth had latched onto the back of my neck, warm and unbearable!
A shiver stretched its way through my body, radiating from the
point of his touch, as my body responded. I squirmed then,
squeezing my eyes shut and unable to stop the moan that escaped
my lips as I tried to pull away from the excruciatingly good
sensation.
As much as I wanted to give into it, as much as I'd been waiting
for something like this (from this man!) for what seemed my
entire life, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to believe that
this was real, that this was anything but just another beautiful
wet dream. But this one...this one was beyond anything. It
was...real! It was! My eyes snapped open once again, wildly
searching the room with my limited field of vision.
I thrashed suddenly, and felt my master relent, as he tasted the
flood of emotion I was feeling. He allowed me to turn halfway
onto my side. He released my wrists and rested some of his weight
on my hip, the majority of his weight on his knees--which were
squeezed tightly around me. I turned my head, finally able to
face him. My eyes widened slightly when I saw him, saw the look
in his eyes. Lust, unadulterated. I moaned at the sight. These
were the eyes that haunted my dreams, only I never imagined that
they'd be this beautiful. I felt myself harden to complete
fullness, my erection nudging Qui-Gon's knee.
He felt my understanding of his intentions, and the excitement it
gave me...in more than one way.
I began to lift my arms, reaching for him. I wanted to kiss him,
had to kiss him. I had to taste him like I'd never tasted him
before. My hands had just touched his beard, lightly cradled his
chin, when he pushed me onto my stomach again, holding me firmly
in place.
I whimpered with the disappointment and reached back, rubbing my
fingers over his knee as best as I could. It was a plea.
He made a small noise with an indistinguishable meaning and then
leaned over me again, pressing his chest against my back. Oh how
I longed to no longer feel the soft material of his tunic, but
the living warmth and resilience of his skin.
His mouth was at my ear now. A breathy whisper issued from it.
"Don't move. Don't touch."
I moaned with despair.
"That's not fair..." It was more of a whine than
anything else, but I didn't care. I was beyond caring. I was damn
near in tears in fact. How could he deny me this? I needed to
taste him or I was going to shrivel up and die!
"Hush," but his voice was soothing, persuasive.
I could sense a holding back in him. As if...what? As if he
didn't want to allow himself too much from this, and yet, that he
needed it as much as I did. But why was he doing this? Oh,
Master...
His tongue was tracing around the shell of my ear suddenly,
dipping down into the crevasses and under the fold. I gasped and
bucked slightly as it slipped into the hole of my ear, and all
thoughts of questioning were gone.
He taunted me, kissing down my jaw until his beard was prickling
my neck and I had to moan. His lips were so close to mine and I
tried to turn my head to capture them, but his hand prevented me
again. Another whimper from me and he moved his lips even closer,
kissing the corner of my mouth. I snaked my tongue out quickly,
managing to slurp his lips before he pulled away.
Please. Oh, please. My brow furrowed with my silent pleading.
"Obi-Wan," he released my head.
Ah, my name, from his lips, in that tone! It sent a shock of
electricity through me. I shuddered, hands balling into fists
where they were held behind me.
I tensed suddenly. Wait. What was that? I gasped as I realized
that my hands were touching Qui-Gon--there! And he was
very...very aroused. I could barely breathe!
He kissed the furrow on my brow, making it relax and disappear. I
sighed very softly.
"You will obey me as if this were a training session."
That was the most he'd spoken so far. The command in his voice
both aroused me more and angered me. But did I really have much
choice? No. And if I disobeyed, he may stop altogether and leave.
I most certainly did not want that. So, I acquiesced.
Satisfied with my surrender, he released my hands and folded them
at the wrists, one over the other. He then began kissing his way
down my back, scooting himself lower, until he was sitting on my
ankles.
A small smirk spread over my lips and I wiggled my feet,
eliciting a gasp and a twitch from him. I nearly giggled and he
swatted me directly on the rear--therefore eliciting from me,
suddenly silenced laughter replaced by a long moan.
I decided to try it again. If that got me a swat...maybe I'd get
another. I bit my lower lip to keep from laughing aloud and
wiggled my feet harder. He was ready that time, and he swatted me
much harder. Oh, that hurt! I yelped and then shoved my face into
the pillow as I moaned again when the pain began to fade to a
tingle. How humiliating.
Qui-Gon was amused however. This I knew, for I heard his soft
rumbling laughter. That eased my embarrassment and I turned my
head to the side again, smiling coyly.
He slowly lifted each of my hands off my back and placed them at
my sides one at a time.
"So tense, Obi-Wan. Here I have the best masseuse in all of
Coruscant, and he must suffer with none."
I could hear the smile in his voice. And then he began to massage
my neck, my shoulders. He hit a painful spot just under my
shoulder blades.
"I know why that spot is so tender," Qui-Gon spoke
again, and I stayed perfectly silent, trying to quiet my breath,
which seemed deafening. I wanted to hear his voice clip the clear
silence. "You've just so recently lost your angel wings,
Padawan." He finished, moving his hands lower.
I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but it was said so lovingly,
I couldn't help but smile softly in response.
His hands were so firm, but so gentle. Absolutely controlling,
yet yielding to the tender spots on my back. I felt... possessed
by him, without even having him yet claim me.
The hands I so adored were touching me, but it wasn't a mere
touch, it spoke volumes of unwritten verse and prose of
long-suppressed desires. Every deep circle expressed something
deeper than words, something I never thought I'd feel from him.
Something I felt for him, but kept hidden in the deepest shadows
of my mind.
He made his way to my lower back where I especially had spasms.
He let out a long breath, causing me to do the same in reaction,
and just then, my muscles let go. He made a soft hum of approval
and snaked his hands around my waist, purposely driving me crazy
by rubbing the spot at which my legs met my torso. Maddening!
My breath caught in my throat. He was so close. Just...Just a
small fraction closer.
I gasped loudly, hands clenching. There was the sudden contact
I'd longed for. His hand was over my erection. No! Just a touch
and he moved on! Oh, that was no mistake, Master, you lingered
just a little too long!
I ached with the need for his touch.
Again, another brush, only this time, his hand swept up the
entire length of my erection. I groaned, scooting my hips a bit
lower, trying to gain that contact again, but he placed his
free-hand on my rear and held it firmly in place.
The other hand, meanwhile, continued in its vicious teasing,
driving me to the edge of insanity. I could no longer stay quiet,
nor keep still. He was fondling me without hesitation now, and I
was powerless to it, unable to bring myself the release I so
desperately needed.
I was nearly there when he stopped. It was as if he sensed it
like a predator senses the slow approach of the death of its
prey. Or as a torturer, knowing the very limits to push his
victim to before they will break. I cried out my protest as his
right hand rejoined the left on the backs of my ankles, and
together, they slid up my legs, sliding over and off the backs of
my thighs to continue up along my outer thighs. Onwards to my
hips where he paused, palms pressed flat against the padded
flesh. I was trembling uncontrollably, hair darkened with sweat,
skin no doubt glistening with it in this soft pinkish light.
In a quick movement, two of Qui-Gon's fingers of each hand hooked
under the ribbing of my leggings. I tensed again with the
anticipation.
"Relax, my Obi-Wan."
My Obi-Wan.
My eyes fluttered at that endearment.
My master saw that I had not relaxed yet (How could I?), and he
ran the heel of his palm strongly up the middle of my back. I
could feel each muscle relax under that touch, obeying him until
my hands slowly uncurled, completely limp.
I was rewarded with a thinly pressed tongue trailing up my spine
to the hollow where my arm met the shoulder socket. There,
eventually, a kiss was placed followed by a hard suck. I started
at the sharp pressure--definitely painful enough that it would
leave a bruise. I smiled to myself, eyelids slipping half-shut
with the ecstasy that simple gesture gave me. I would carry his
mark on me for some while now.
He collected himself then, drawing away. For a moment I was
afraid he'd left the room, so silent it was.
But no, he returned, having shed his clothing. He stretched his
body completely out over my back. There was his erection, bare,
pressing through the thin fabric of my leggings, directly into
the crevasse of my ass. I gasped and arched my back, crying out
wantonly. I couldn't help it.
"Master! Yes! Please!"
My leggings were ripped down my legs finally. I heard the sound
of ripping cloth and I nearly came right there. Control. Oh,
control Obi-Wan! But my heart was thudding in my chest. I was
going to explode in orgasm first, and then my heart was going to
explode.
He was nudging at my entrance. Hesitant. I pushed against him,
urging him, but suddenly he pulled away, rubbing me with fierce
speed with his hand, enough so that it was painful, but
nevertheless, I exploded in his hand, crying out with the agony.
And just then, he was gone.
As he fled the room, I found myself weeping not just with the
physical pain, but, more truly, with the emotional.
"Master!" I called out to him desperately, but he was
gone. And I had to obey. Had to obey...
I felt angry. Betrayed. Overpowered...used...even violated in
that his power was used against me. His status as
"Master" used to control me. No, I wasn't going to
obey. He'd broken the code and he knew it. And I was going to use
it to my advantage.
With a determined set to my face, I rose from the sticky sheets
and went to his room.
Part 2
(Qui-Gon)
What made me do it? What in Sith Hells had I been thinking?!
I was trying to meditate. Trying and failing quite horribly.
It had been one week since the "incident". What else
could I call it? I shook my head in disgust. I hadn't only fled
Obi-Wan's room that night, I'd fled the entire Temple. And yes, I
had heard my Padawan's cries for me. I didn't return until the
next morning, and when I did, I came home to a very sullen
Padawan.
I did this, I had thought to myself.
He wouldn't meet my eyes during the entire of breakfast, and it
had been a silent affair. Things had carried on that way for most
of the days until now. I thought that perhaps I had escaped the
true consequences. Thought that perhaps the mere silence would be
all I would suffer with, and I knew that wouldn't last forever.
It couldn't.
Alas, I had been correct insofar as the silence went, however,
this morning, just so short a time ago, my sweet innocent Padawan
propositioned me with a threat of blackmail!
Ah, now you see why this old man is so on edge.
Back in my body, back in the Temple Gardens, I felt Yoda step
closer to me, felt him raise the infernal little stick--about to
thwap me with it as he always found reason to do.
"Don't.Touch.Me." I gritted the words out abruptly, jaw
muscles going into spasms as I forced the locked joint to move.
When had I ever been this quick-to-mouth? Well, perhaps that was
not the right description for my mood.
Try again, Qui-Gon. You'll get it right if you calm yourself.
No such luck.
I let out a loud sigh as I heard the expected disgruntled
"hrrmmm...", and opened my eyes, awash with new
unsettle. I didn't, however, turn to look at him where he stood,
behind me to the right.
"I apologize, Master. That outburst was uncalled-for. There
is no need to tell me thus, for I am already very
aware," I stressed the word. That was quite an
understatement even so. Painfully aware, was more like it.
Agonizingly aware! Siths be damned!
I didn't let my thoughts betray me as I spoke, "...And I am
taking steps to calm the unease within me." I continued
before he could get a word in. "If I need your help, I shall
seek it when ready."
A long stretch of silence followed, that found me growing even
more agitated. Yoda must have sensed this, for he backed off,
turned and hobbled away, grumbling something that which I was
unable to hear. I sorely hoped he didn't decide to become
involved "behind my back" as it were, due to my strange
behavior. Yoda definitely knew something was off balance.
I assured myself, however. By the time Yoda found out, I will
have eradicated the problem. Quite a simple thing,
really...although it would take all my willpower with which to do
it. I didn't really want to do it, you see, but I had to. I'd
made a terrible mistake, but I didn't want to pay the
consequences. No, the price was far too dear. To lose my rank as
a Jedi Knight was one thing, but to lose my dear sweet Obi-Wan?
Death couldn't come quickly enough to me if that were to ever
happen.
My eyes closed again, without my will this time, thoughts and
memories flooding the darkness that swam behind my eyelids.
"Don't speak."
Yes, don't speak my beautiful one...don't ruin it.
"Master...?"
Oh that voice. So throaty and sexual without meaning to be.
Those cultured, rounded tones of his speech nearly bring me to my
knees in the most innocuous of situations. His voice is a silky
purr. Obi-Wan, my pet, my sex kitten. Ah, by the Force, I'd love
to feel your tongue with mine as you spoke and shaped that one
word, that title you seem to speak so reverently, no matter what
the situation. If only I could.
It'd all started out a perfectly normal day, and now this shame.
It was almost unbearable. This was why! That's why I always held
myself back! I berated myself. I should have had more control
over myself, then I wouldn't have had to exert control
over him. Alas, the beautiful night I'd fantasized about
for months looked as if it was never to be. I don't know why I
lost control. I don't know how it was possible, but it happened.
Thank the Force I didn't do any physical harm...Thank the Force I
was finally able to seize my body back and flee from the room.
Ah, but when he had thrashed that night, he had been looking at
me with such unabashed longing...
Back in the garden.
I had risen suddenly to my feet before I knew what I had done. I
blinked several times, disoriented. Sith Hells, I had a throbbing
hardness in my pants where just seconds ago my organ lay placid.
Obi-Wan, what you do to me! I was going to have to get out of the
gardens. I was going to have to go somewhere private. Should I
finally return to my quarters and do the deed that I knew must be
done? Yes, perhaps it was time. No more delay, no more stalling.
There I stood, just as I had that night. In the earlier time, I
had come here very quietly, sneaking in and standing at the
threshold to Obi-Wan's room. My Padawan had been asleep where he
lay in his bed against the wall. There had been a small sliver of
dim light from the open door at which I stood, and it cascaded
over his body beautifully in such a way that I could see the
contours of his body through that thin sheet. Oh delectable, he
had been!
He had no top on, which wasn't completely unusual, although it
was winter and the chill had seen my Obi-Wan wearing a warm
pullover at night. He was sprawled out wantonly; the arm closest
to me lay curled above his head on the pillow. Beautiful, was the
hair under his arm, exposed to my hungry eyes. How I wanted to
touch that spot, to rub my face in it. To inhale the masculine
scent of my Padawan like I'd never done before. To slowly snake
out my tongue and lick the ticklish spot until he was begging for
me to stop. A smile curved my lips as I continued to simply watch
him. His other arm was draped over his stomach, which
unfortunately, was covered by the sheet. Alas, not all wishes
come true, Qui-Gon.
Obi-Wan's fingers twitched, giving a spasm every so often. I knew
he was in a particularly deep sleep. That set something off in
me. The predator, indeed. There he was--vulnerability in its
purest form. But, it had only been mere seconds ago that I had
felt a fatherly protection towards him.
I had, before that night, acknowledged my lust for my Padawan,
and had only begun to contemplate the possibility that it be more
than mere lust, but even now, I cannot be sure if it be more, or
simply so.
That night, however, for one reason or another, my urges got the
best of me, and now...
...And now, I was going to right those wrongs.
"Padawan."
My voice was colder than I'd meant it to be. I hadn't called him
by name since this morning when it had happened.
He looked up at me from the datapad he'd been pretending to read.
I expected to see darkness in that gaze, but there was none.
Surely it was there, if he was propositioning me with something
so blatantly wrong. There had to be a seed of darkness blossoming
within those...beautifully expressive eyes. But all that was
there, was the usual shimmering light. Somewhere inside I was
grateful that the light was still in his eyes, even if he was
falling. At least I would never have to see the darkness mar his
fair countenance should I fail. Or was it merely growing, and not
yet reaching his eyes?
This thing that I was about to do, it would be another violation
of trust, but I had to stop the darkness, if there was any.
Perhaps I was being a foolish old man, far too paranoid about the
trustworthiness of Apprentices. Either way, what Obi-Wan wanted
wasn't going to happen. I was going to end this. Right now.
Part 3
(Obi-Wan)
Qui-Gon's silence set my heart rate rocketing. Oh
Sith...something was very very wrong here. I couldn't keep the
blinking of my eyes down from the startled rapidity at which they
were moving. I nearly dropped the datapad from my lap as I sat on
the edge of my bed. I swallowed, forced some words out.
"Master...I..."
Don't cry Obi-Wan! I mentally bashed myself the instant I felt
the constriction in my throat. Don't cry, it'll make you look
weak in the face of this man who has never done anything but
teach you to be strong and to overcome your insecurities. At
least give him your learned best...for his sake. For if you look
closer...
Obi-Wan, look what you've done. You've borne anguish into your
Master's usually so-well-guarded expression!
My posture sunk, I wanted to turn away from him, curl up and hide
in the blankets of my bed forever.
And you thought it had been a good idea, Obi-Wan! You thought
that it would bring you all your desires on a silver platter,
that you would have your cake, and damn well eat it too! Stupid,
Obi-Wan, so very stupid.
I had tried to approach him the night, but he was gone. I
stood there in the doorway of his room; nothing was out of place,
nothing that told me he was gone forever. Which of course, being
as insecure as I am, had been the first thought to enter my mind,
as irrational as it was.
Change your pattern of thinking, they always told me. How? How is
that possible when things occur that keep slapping you back where
you know you belong?
I had cried that night. I went to his bed, lay down in it, basked
in the feel of his comforter against my bare skin. I slept on my
stomach, underneath that comforter, buried in the scent of my
Master.
When I woke up, it was to a very disconcerted-looking Qui-Gon
standing over me. At first I didn't know where I was or what had
happened, merely smiled warmly, rubbing at my sleep-filled eyes.
That seemed to lighten his expression, but only a minuscule.
"Obi-Wan, please go to your room and get ready. You're late
for your first morning's class, you slept in." He stepped
back as if to allow me room to exit.
The flat monotone of his voice snapped me back into reality. It
was then that I saw the lines under his eyes and instantly knew
that he had not slept at all that night. Why had he fled? He
hated me, didn't he? No no, don't jump ahead of yourself,
Obi-Wan.
I sat up, pushing the comforter back.
There was a loud gasp from Qui-Gon, which caused me to start and
look over at him. He was standing over me again in a flash,
yanking the comforter lose from where it was tucked under the
mattress and wrapping it around me.
"Take that with you."
I stared at him for some while, bewildered. There was a sinking
feeling in my stomach.
"Go." His eyes widened to look at me with serious
intensity. It was a direct order, which he rarely resorted to. It
was usually more of a kind asking.
I lowered my eyes, dropped my chin nearly to my chest, and
practically crawled out of the room with my proverbial
tail-between-my-legs.
What was I going to do? Perhaps he did hate me...
The next few days saw nothing to remedy my self-indulgent
thinking. I couldn't seem to do anything right and there were
very few words between us. It all fueled the fear that led me to
the desperate act. Three days had passed since the night of my
dreams had passed.
I tried to bring it up subtly at first. It was early morning, I
was serving Qui-Gon the breakfast I had prepared, and had
resolved myself to speak the moment I sat down. The moment came,
and I found myself simply staring at him nervously. I picked up
my utensil, fingers turning it over and over in their grasp.
Finally, my voice came, just as Qui-Gon took a healthy bite of
his food. I lowered my eyes to the table as I spoke.
"I had someone ask me where I got the bruise on my shoulder
yesterday after practice. We were... showering, and he said it
didn't look like a normal bruise, and wondered also, how it had
gotten in the location it resided." My eyes suddenly flicked
to his, challenging. "Course I didn't tell him that it
wasn't a bruise. But he hasn't been the only curious one..."
The look of surprise on Qui-Gon's face had been expected, but I
surprised myself with the tone I had finished that in. I
kept my eyes intent on his, couldn't break them away.
"I thought you would have healed it by now," his voice
was unusually soft.
I merely shook my head. "Master, I don't think I have to
tell you that...what you did was against the code."
He fairly winced at that. Oh, Master, I'm sorry...But its the
only way to make you see that I too care for you. It's the only
way you'll let me in. And then, when its over, you'll see, you'll
understand!
He didn't look like he was going to say anything. Okay, Obi-Wan,
you've gotten it this far, now what?
I was on the floor on my knees before him quite suddenly. Staring
up at him without a single emotion hidden, I hesitantly lifted my
hand, slowly and trembling, I placed it on his knee.
"I won't tell them if you won't," it came out as a
breathy whisper.
I then ran my hand up his thigh. He tensed under my touch and I
heard a faint groan escape his lips. His eyelids fluttered
momentarily. Yes...give in. Master...please...please... I know he
caught the meaning, I could see him warring with it in his mind.
Meanwhile, I had gotten my hand up to its goal finally. I pressed
against his member through the fabric of his leggings, gave a
little squeeze, which caused a strange noise to pass my lips
without warning. Oh Force...This was going to work, wasn't it?
That was when he surged up to his feet, knocking me backward onto
the floor. I couldn't read the expression on his face as I
struggled to pull myself up into a more dignified position. He
was staring at me with what could almost be called horror. Or
maybe disbelief. Or maybe both.
So...he didn't want me. I was so confused I could barely
think.
He sat down again, keeping a wary eye on me, and began to eat his
food very quickly. I averted my gaze and crawled back into my
chair, giving a half-hearted attempt at eating. No way I could
swallow anything. Was he going to say anything to me? Give me any
sort of direction, whether it be straight to the Council or some
other punishment? I was so hopelessly lost in this silence.
I tried to swallow a piece of fruit, gagged and gave up. I pushed
my plate away, face flushing with shame.
"Go to your classes, Padawan, you're dismissed from the
table."
I shivered, a sudden deep chill finding its way to my core. No,
this couldn't be happening. I've ruined everything. I didn't say
a word to Qui-Gon, simply rose from the table as instructed to
do, picking up my plate and glass as I did.
"Leave them. Just go."
I swallowed hard, sparing a glance up at him. He almost
looked...mad with his fury. Setting down the plate and glass once
again, I found a hasty exit from our quarters.
I didn't think I could go to my classes without bursting out in
tears in the middle of the lessons. So, I bypassed the training
hall. The tears were forming in my eyes, if I didn't find
someplace to hide that very minute, I was going to spill it in
front of whoever happened to be roaming the halls. I looked to my
right and quickly ducked into a storage closet.
It felt right, to be in here. I felt as if this was where I
belonged. I sat on a large box and brought my legs up to my
chest, burying my face against my knees as I began to weep.
If I had not have pursued anything I would have still had the
fond remembrances of that night. Now it was nothing but a tiny
drop of light in the bucket of dark woes. It was all overshadowed
by the gnawing fear that Qui-Gon was going to give me up. Yes,
yes, so he had a secret, but I would have never never told the
Council! I wouldn't have done anything to hurt him or to set
myself up to be in a position where I could lose him. I felt so
unbelievably lost.
It was hours later that I returned to our quarters, having waited
until the classes were over, just in case Qui-Gon was still
there. I slipped inside absolutely silent, no sign of Qui-Gon, so
I went to my room, and tried to read. It wasn't long before he
came home...
"Come here, Padawan," he said, after my feeble attempts
at speech.
I couldn't move, however.
"Obi-Wan."
That made me look away. I was suddenly aware that had been the
first time he'd said my name today.
He sounded disappointed now, "Obi-Wan, we can do this
easily, or you can make it difficult."
What? A look of confusion crossed my features as I looked at him
again, silent question on my face.
"I want you to open your mind to me, Obi-Wan.
Completely." I felt his entire stance soften as he tried to
gain my trust. He must have sensed my fear. "I need to see
what damage I've done."
"Master, you haven't...you--"
He interrupted me. "Don't argue with me, Padawan."
I hated when he called me that now. He only used it as if
to remind me of my place. To remind me of the power he held over
me. My jaw clenched and a wave of anger washed through me. I
quite suddenly sent the datapad hurtling through the air in the
opposite direction of Qui-Gon, although I had wanted to throw it
at him. It crashed into the wall, leaving a dull mark.
"No!" I was shouting. "You listen to me for once!
I'm tired of never getting a word in! Master, I'm not a
child anymore!!" I took several heaving breaths, struggling
to calm myself.
Qui-Gon looked stunned, as if suddenly shoved into the bright
light of a stage from the dark wings aside.
When I spoke again, I was much calmer, but the edge was still
there. I spoke between deep breaths as my anger calmed.
"You...always...leave...before I can even begin to tell you
what I'm feeling."
Oh tears. Now I couldn't stop them.
"The only way... that I am going to come to you, is if you
promise to love me." I was shaking my head adamantly. My
voice had thickened with the tears and it was getting harder to
talk.
"Then, and only then, will I do absolutely anything you say.
As long as I always have that love. And I'm not talking about a
fatherly love, Qui-Gon! I want you to kiss me...I want you to
t-touch me. Why can't we have that? You think I make
things difficult! Why do you have to make it so difficult
for me when all I want is to love you and be loved by you? I
can't bear it any longer!"
I was trembling then, barely able to choke out the last words.
"I can't stand to be around you if I know you don't feel the
same. You confuse me...I...just..." I didn't finish,
didnâ?(tm)t try.
Force, I hadn't had this kind of emotional break down for as long
as I could remember. I slipped from the bed and sunk down to the
floor in a huddled mass, weeping without shame. I couldn't speak
anymore, it hurt too much both physically and emotionally.
Part 4
(Qui-Gon)
Oh no. No, no. This wasn't what I had intended. I looked down at
the mass of robes that was my Padawan on the floor. Weeping. He
was weeping!
I was on the floor kneeling beside him in an instant.
"I knew it. I knew that I'd damaged you, Obi-Wan. Sith
hells, come here. We're going to the Council. I don't care what
they do to me, we have to fix you. Please." My voice was
frantic, and I wasn't truly very coherent. All I knew was the
fear that I had hurt Obi-Wan's psyche irreparably.
"Damnit, Qui-Gon! You're still not hearing me!"
I reeled back as I felt the sting of a slap on my face.
That grounded me.
Blinking my eyes I forced myself to calm and I looked at him.
What was he saying? Qui-Gon, you fool, you hear him, but you
don't listen. I sighed. Who ever said Jedi Masters weren't
flawed?
"...Thank you, Obi-Wan, I needed that."
He must have found something humorous in my monotone, for he gave
a little snort of laughter, just barely there. It was bitter
sounding, however, sweet as the break in intensity was.
Ah, Obi-Wanâ?¦My Padawan is so extraordinary. And I've been
failing him miserably. I produced a wan smile for him and gently
reached over to stroke back his damp-with-sweat hair. He let out
a sigh, and I suddenly felt such longing from him, emanating from
him.
"Obi-Wan, I must apologize for my behavior. It was out of
fear for the probable wrongfulness of these feelings, which yet
felt so very right. That which I didn't think I could live
without."
I paused, studying the minute transformations taking place on
Obi-Wan's face. It was excruciating to watch. He was simply so
beautiful, beyond anything I could ever dream into
existenceâ?¦and yet, I had treated this beauty with such
neglect. I had to find a way to remedy this.
"Allow me make it up to you?" I asked softly.
His expression was unchanging for a long moment, and I thought
perhaps he couldn't forgive me. But, no, I should have known
better. I quite suddenly found myself with an armful of Padawan.
He was placing feather-light kisses all over my face. Such sweet
rain! I allowed our combined weight to pull us down backwards
onto the floor.
He opened himself to me. It was breathtaking. Elation washed over
me and I felt the beginnings of tears form in my eyes. Releasing
the pent up emotions that I'd held so long, so tight, I
reciprocated, opened myself to my beloved--showed him just
exactly how beloved he was.
I heard him sniffle and then he shifted, straddled my hips. He
stretched out on me, rubbing our groins together, and I moaned
long and low. He tilted his head, lips went to my ear, and he was
nibbling, licking. I gasped. Oh, dear Force, this was bliss.
Then, he whispered to me.
"Let me taste you; let me pleasure you first. I want to
prove to you, so that there can never be any doubt that
what I feel for you is me, my feelings alone, flowered from my
own thoughts and yearnings, not rubbed off on me. Give me some
credit, Qui-Gon." His tone was lightly reproving, but
entirely endearing and highly arousing.
Who could refuse that? My name whispered in such a husky tone and
this warm writhing weight atop me. I shivered with it. No longer
Master and Padawan, no, but two men. Two lovers. Two hearts. One
goal.
And then there was the exquisite moisture tunneling into my ear.
End