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In Hell and Sickness

by: Kayla

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Special Thanks to Laura for the challenge to write this :) This is based on the Xena episode, In Sickness and In Hell. Which, is one of the funniest Xenas of last season. Basically, Xena and Gabrielle are plagued by various ailments, while attempting to defend a town. Its a f***ing riot! :)

Disclaimers: Boy, I got um all in here! But, LucasFilms and Rob Tapert own them. I make no money off of this.

Category: Oh this is definitely humor! :)

Rating: PG

Chapter 1

The swamps off of the Southern Island on Alderann.

Qui-Gon slept peacefully. The morning birds were just beginning to chirp. He yawned. Maybe this assignment wouldn't be so bad........

He opened his eyes, and saw the beautiful sky above him. Suddenly, a foot was shoved in his face.

"FOOT ROT!"

"Ahhhh! By the Force!" Qui-Gon jumped up, and spun around.

Obi-Wan, his Padawan stared at him, now scratching his foot.

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow, and sniffed the air. "Yep, foot rot. I though I told you to keep your feet dry?"

"Don't start with me. It wasn't my idea to come trouncing across the swamps. Nor was it my fault that we missed the main transport to the City of Roamilt."

"Yes, Padawan. As you have whined about all of yesterday." Qui-Gon stood, and shook out his bedroll. Obi-Wan watched in mild fascination, as something jumped off of said bedroll and squeaked.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"Something just jumped off of your bedroll!"

Qui-Gon eyed Obi-Wan like he had grown a second head. Then looked down at his bedroll. Obi-Wan was now staring harder at Qui-Gon's head. Or his hair to be more exact.

"What?"

Obi-Wan jumped close to Qui-Gon and grabbed his head. "Hey!"

"Hold still.............yep just as I thought. You have lice."

"I do not have lice!"

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't!" Qui-Gon stated emphatically. He pulled away from Obi-Wan and indignantly stalked away to the river.

~~~~~~~~~~

Later, that morning, they resumed their trek to the main city.

"Ow ow ow ow...."

"Obi-Wan, must you keep complaining?"

"Oh, so sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you, Master"

Qui-Gon looked over at his Padawan. He was miserable, he could feel it through the link in the force. Maybe now wouldn't be a good time to tell him that Qui-Gon had planned them to miss their transport on purpose to strengthen his Padawan's Force skills.

He scratched his head again. He did not have lice.

"Why don't you just go down to the river, and wash out your hair?"

"I do not have lice, Padawan."

"Wait, let me guess, Jedi Masters don't get lice?" Obi-Wan said testily.

"I never said that........." he said as he scratched at his head again, which earned another look from Obi-Wan. "What?"

So progressed the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, it is afternoon. Obi-Wan has gone from miserable to surly.

"Can we please stop, oh Master of mine?"

Qui-Gon stopped his constant scratching for a moment and looked back at his now naked from the breaches up Padawan. The fungus had began to spread, and poor Obi-Wan had removed his tunic for relief.

"You shouldn't keep scratching like that Padawan, you are making it worse!"

Obi-Wan stifled a laugh. His Master's hair was sticking straight out in all directions, completely poofed out, from all the scratching.

"What?"

"Nothing...." Obi-Wan snickered.

"What is so funny?"

Qui-Gon began to advance closer to his Padawan. Obi-Wan backed up a step. "Come here."

Obi-Wan had had enough of this. "You want a piece of me, you want a piece of me." He pulled at his arm, "Here, I'll give you piece of me........go on......." Qui-Gon backed up a step......... "Take it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of the day didn't get much better.

"I am hungry."

Qui-Gon stopped a second, half turning, "There is a fiviv in the woods over there." Qui-Gon removed his robes, "I'll be right back"

"Wait a minute, why do you always get the dinner?"

"Because you always cook it."

"There is no way I am letting you near our dinner, I am not in the mood for fiviv covered in lice!"

Obi-Wan started to walked towards the woods.

Qui-Gon watched his Padawan stalk away, "Hey wait! You can't hunt..... and I do not have lice!"

Yes, I do too know how to hunt! Besides, how hard can it be?" Obi-Wan called over his shoulder........ "And you do have lice!"

~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours later, Qui-Gon was preparing a fire to cook the fiviv. "What could have happened to him?" More scratching.

Just then, Obi-Wan came limping into the camp.

"Padawan?" Qui-Gon could not contain his laughter anymore.

Obi-Wan was soaked, completely soaked. One boot was off, and slung over his shoulder. His soaked Padawan Braid hung down his back. His breeches clung to his body. His face was pulled into a scowl, which deepened at his Master's laughter.

"Oh very cute. Remind me not to come to you in a time of great person crisis." Obi-Wan looked at Qui-Gon through narrowed eyes. "You aren't any great prize yourself, Master."

Wiping away a tear, Qui-Gon stated, "What happened to you?" his body still shaking, laughing quietly.

"Who ever said fiviv were gentle, sedate creatures should be taken out and shot." Obi-Wan stated simply.

He threw a small sack on the ground, which Qui-Gon eyed suspiciously. It looked empty. He looked back up and Obi-Wan.

"No, I couldn't get the fiviv, he tripped me, and I went into the........." he trailed off, "anyway, I got us some blueberries.

Qui-Gon resisted the urge to laugh hysterically again at the thought of his Padawan running after a small red fiviv, and tripping into the river.

"I am sure that will suffice Padawan."

They silently prepared their evening meal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later, that evening, while the Jedis were in their bedrolls.

Not so much sleeping. As scratching.

Obi-Wan heard the strangest noise come from his Master.

"Obi-Wan" Qui-Gon grabbed his stomach again.

"Yes, Master?" Obi-Wan returned. Shifting in his bedroll.

"Where did you say you found those berries?" he really was feeling funny.

"Down on the river bank." Obi-Wan shifted again, and burped, "Excuse me."

"It didn't have purple leaves did it?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

Qui-Gon did not answer. But instead jumped up and ran off towards the bushes. The sounds that came from the bushes, made Obi-Wan wince. That sounded painful.

Uh-ohhhhhhh

Soon, Obi-Wan had joined his Master behind the bushes...........

It was going to be a long night...........

Chapter 2

....and it was. Misery was more like it. But now it was morning, and the two Jedi had resumed their trek again towards the nearest city.

"Obi-Wan, what is wrong?"

Obi-Wan looked up at his Master like he had grown a second head. "You're kidding, right?"

"Padawan. Its not that bad." Qui-Gon had stopped scratching his head.

"Master. There is no way that you could possibly say anything to make me feel better." Obi-Wan burped again. "Can my life be any worse? All I wanted was to be a Jedi. But no. I had to hook up with adventure man."

"Padawan, you know that Jedi...."

"Yea yea.... Jedi lead a hard life. The Force dictates our destiny, blah blah blah blah...." he waved his hand, "tell that to my stomach." Obi-Wan scratched his head.

Qui-Gon looked up at the sky, trying to plot the best path to take. He scratched his arm. "Go meditate, Obi-Wan"

~~~~~~~~~~~

Later the same day, Obi-Wan was now fighting an infestation. "I *told* you. I told you you had lice, Master. But did you believe me? Nooooooo." Obi-Wan scratched his head, harder. "I hope I don't have to cut off my braid because of this."

Qui-Gon scratched his chest.

"You know, I have no idea what I have done to the Force, but whatever it is, I apologize. I apologize for myself, and I apologize for my Master. Okay?" Obi-Wan said to no one in particular. Directing the next response to Qui-Gon, "I hate this. I had better not have to cut off my braid."

"Shut up, Obi-Wan."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, the intrepid pair made it to the City of Blairee. Stumbling into the city square, disheveled, robes torn, and a leaf hanging off of Obi's ear, the two made their way over to Mace Windu.

Mace's face nearly dropped to the ground, "Whhaaaa?"

Depa hid a smile.

Qui-Gon bowed, continuing to scratch his chest, his arms and his stomach. Obi-Wan pathetically scratched at his head. "This is all your fault, you know."

"Oh quit whining."

Mace raised an eyebrow, and tried hard not to laugh at the sight before him. And stood back a bit as the smell hit him.

Obi-Wan scratched his head, then his chest. "I dislike this."

"We would very much like to clean up." Qui-Gon's stomach groaned.

'nmmmuuuunngh ahnnnnn" Obi-Wan whimpered as he scratched at his head. "Make it stop!"

"Padawan, there is nothing worse than a hysterical Jedi. It is quite unbecoming."

Obi-Wan stuck out his tongue and walked away.

~~~~~~~~~~

Later, both Jedi found themselves in a mineral bath. Obi-Wan was wrapped up in a soothing herbal wrap. Sitting on the side of the bath. A girl had just brought him a cup of "tilori" to sooth his skin.

Qui-Gon lounged in the hot and healing baths, enjoying the girl rubbing his head. Soothing....

Obi-Wan took a sip of his drink.

"Much better," Obi-Wan nearly cooed as the girl smiled at him. He winked.

"I am so relieved you are feeling better, my padawan." Qui-Gon's voice was barely a whisper. The girl continued to massage his shoulders.

"Yes, I feel like my old self again." He took another sip of his drink. "What was this for again?"

The girl who was tending Obi-Wan came back again, 'Its is tilori, made for your skin. To sooth."

"Well, its delicious!" he was nearly purring.

Qui-Gon opened his eye and looked at the girl. "Did you say tilori?"

"Yes," the girl's back was to Obi-Wan and his Master. She turned now, just as she saw Obi-Wan taking a sip. She shrieked.

Obi-Wan looked at her, "What?"

"Oh no!" she nearly turned white.

Qui-Gon snickered. "Tilori is for your skin, padawan."

"Yes, so?"

"You are supposed to put it on your skin." he snickered again.

"Whbat?" Obi-Wan stared in horror at the liquid. "ohbbe noo."

Qui-Gon tried not to giggle.

"My tongbue? Whatbe hasbe happnedt tobe mye tongbe?"

"Yes, your tongue will go numb."

Both girls snickered.

"Whabe? Ohbe bybe the Forbece"

Obi-Wan dropped his head back, and let out what sounded like a silent sob.

"Whybe mebe?"

The End.....