The next afternoon Obi-Wan met B'Lar for a final rehearsal.

"I don't know if I can go through with this." Obi-Wan
said, though he would never go back on a promise.

"Don't worry. If you're too nervous, I recorded our
sessions yesterday. You can lip synch."

"I'm not going to lip synch!"

"Then let's rehearse." B'Lar said, handing Obi-Wan a
tiny voice emitter he could clip on his collar. "You'll be
using one of these tonight, so I thought it best if you practiced
with it on."

Obi-Wan nodded and they began the rehearsal.

After an hour, both were satisfied that the song and reading worked
well. And B'Lar, true to form, was ready for sex, but Obi-Wan was
not. He'd been reconsidering this new relationship. Things were
moving very fast between them, and learning that his master was not
in a relationship with Master Lanteen somehow changed his desire to
be needed by this young man.

"I'd like for us to slow down a bit." He said as gently
as possible to his dark haired companion.

"Slow down? You mean no ass pounding just gentle fucking?"
B'Lar laughed.

"No, I mean, back off on the sex a little."

B'Lar blinked. "You don't fuck someone and then tell them
now all you want to do is cuddle for the next few months. What's
going on Obi-Wan?"

"I think we got carried away that's all. I'd like to take
things slower. Get to know each other better. We can still do
stuff..."

"Does this have anything to do with Master Jinn?"

Obi-Wan took a half step back. "No."

"I think it does. Bant told me you wrote that poem about him."

"She did what?"

"I was curious about the poem. She didn't really say anything
at all. But I can read between the lines."

"That poem is not about my Master."

"Maybe, maybe not. But you wrote it about things you'd seen
and felt on your missions together. It's okay to have feelings
about your master. Heck, if mine wasn't such an old stodge
I'd have
feelings for Olan too."

Obi-Wan shook his head. "You know what B'Lar? I think this
conversation is over. I'll see you at the recital."

"Come on." He called to his friend, but he was already at the
door. "Can't we just make out? A little petting?  I promise
I..."

And he closed the door behind him.

*    *    *

The recitals were fairly popular. Especially when a wide variety of
Jedi signed up to perform. The entertainment ranged from antigrav
dance to music to short plays. It was good to see that the Jedi could
be more than just knights and healers. They could also be artists,
musicians, actors or anything else... at least for a night.

Recital dinners were always special and tonight was no exception.
Bacca turtle soup with greens and Contari casserole. And for dessert
Obi-Wan's favorite, Gretaro pastry filled with sweet red fruit.

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon joined his friends and their masters for dinner.
The conversation was lively and happy, save for B'Lar who was
pouting slightly and shooting daggers with his eyes at Obi-Wan. Qui-
Gon felt sorry for Obi-Wan having to deal with a lover's quarrel
during such a happy occasion.

Qui-Gon blocked out all of them as Obi-Wan dug into his Gretaro
pastry. It was not only Obi-Wan's favorite, but Qui-Gon's
favorite to watch Obi-Wan eat. The young man didn't cut into the
pastry with his fork like everyone else, he dissected it. Layer by
layer he pulled off the delicate pastry crust, dangling each morsel
before him and then darting his tongue out to grab it and pull it
into his watering mouth.

Qui-Gon usually had to meditate after watching Obi-Wan devour the
dessert. The process a ritual in sensual torment. But Obi-Wan was
oblivious to how his eating habits affected his master. He merely
wanted to make the delicacy last as long as possible and savor each
bite.

When he scraped the last morsel of fruit from his plate and licked
his fingers, Qui-Gon let out a soft moan. Obi-Wan looked up at him,
fingers still in his mouth, bright eyes quietly adoring the vision of
his Master. // Did I hear correctly? Does licking my fingers turn my
master on? If so, I'll have to make sure to do it more often.//

By now, most of the diners were making their way to the performance
hall. B'Lar sidled up to Obi-Wan and gently nudged him away from
the others. They had to go back stage to prepare.

Qui-Gon and the others took their places several rows back. Bant
wanted to sit in the front row, but that was reserved for Council
members and visiting dignitaries only.

The program for the night listed twenty-five performances. It could
be a very enjoyable evening or a very long one. Obi-Wan and B'Lar
were to go on last before the intermission.

They watched the performances from backstage. Hardly speaking to each
other. It was silly to be this way when they clearly still wanted to
be friends and more... But they couldn't make up now. Not here.
If they were going to make up it needed to be physical. And private.

Finally, it was their turn, and they nodded to each other, determined
to do this right. Both used calming techniques to steady their nerves
as they stepped onto the lighted stage in front of the several
hundred assembled. The program gave no title for their piece just
listed music by B'Lar Topar and words by Obi-Wan Kenobi.

After the polite applause quieted, B'Lar turned to the synth
panel and the song began. The first low tones coming forward. Obi-Wan
listened carefully. Counting, waiting for his cue. He checked to be
sure the voice emitter was clipped to his tunic, and then looked out,
squinting slightly, into the gathering. And then slowly, he whispered
the first lines of his poem over the accompaniment.

Closing my eyes
my spirit
on the birth of a sunset
spirit
awareness

The combination of the whispered lines, each spoken with purposeful
ease, and the soft music, focused the audiences attention fully on
the two padawans. Unlike the other performances so far, this one was
very much understated, and almost shy in its hesitance to be heard.
Gradually soft drumming, and a flute were added to layer and deepen
the affect of the ambient music, and Obi-Wan continued the poem more
quickly in a distinctly spoken voice.

closing my eyes on the birth of a sunset
my spirit is wandering free
sailing away like a ship in the night
on a stormy and evergreen sea
dreams are the link between living and dying
where hidden emotions appear
the spirit's awareness of solitude lost
tranquility, tension, and fear

fear [echoed]

spirit [whispered]

The music continued in circular patterns until it gradually faded.
When the last note disappeared into the open space, there was a brief
pause while the audience came out of its hypnotic trance and then
applauded in appreciation.

B'Lar and Obi-Wan bowed with respect to the audience and then
retreated from the stage. As soon as they were out of view they
simultaneously turned and hugged each other.

"We did it." They laughed, their hearts still pounding from
the experience.

"Let's go find the others." Obi-Wan suggested.

"You go ahead. I need to get my equipment off the stage... but
I'll catch up with you."

Obi-Wan nodded and went back out onto the stage and then leapt off
the several meter high structure to find his master and his friends.

"Well done, Padawan." Qui-Gon said, putting his hand on
Obi-Wan's shoulder.

"Thank you, Master. I was very nervous." He said, grinning at
the tall man.

"You couldn't tell at all." Bant chimed in.

"You two should compose another piece. I think it went over very
well." Rost added.

"I don't know about that." Obi-Wan frowned a little.
"I'm not as musically inclined as B'Lar and it was a
little frustrating for him."

Qui-Gon considered this comment. // Musically frustrating? Or
sexually frustrating?// He was sure something was amiss with the pair.

The group walked over to the refreshment table for drinks and then
B'Lar joined them. The same congratulations were repeated.
B'Lar was pleased with the comments and relieved their part in
the night's entertainment was concluded.

"Now Obi-Wan and I can sit back and enjoy the rest of the
recital." He said and put his hand around Obi-Wan's waist.

Obi-Wan jerked a little at the contact, but didn't pull away.
Uncomfortable, his eyes darted to his master's for his reaction
to the intimacy. Qui-Gon seemed to be taking it in stride with only a
slightly raised eyebrow... like everyone else.

"We saved you seats." Calista informed them.

"Thanks." Obi-Wan said.

"Oh, Obi-Wan, I volunteered us to help set up the props for the
next act." B'Lar said and turned to the others. "Then
we'll join you."

Everyone nodded and then Obi-Wan and B'Lar disappeared again back
stage. Qui-Gon watched as his padawan appeared again briefly on stage
with a large landscape mural. With the set ready he expected his
padawan to join him at any moment, but the second half of the
performance began without him.

// Must be speaking with the other performers backstage.//

By now, Obi-Wan was pretty much back to his old self. With the
performance over and the reaction favorable, he was at ease again.
B'Lar noticed this immediately and planted a big kiss on him.
Obi-Wan kissed back.

"Much better. I missed you." B'Lar said.

"I could never do this for a living. I'd be a bundle of
nerves all the time." He grinned in a round-about apology.

"Let's go somewhere where we can be alone." B'Lar
proposed.

"But they're expecting us."

"So we'll be a few minutes late." He shrugged.

Obi-Wan agreed. "I'd like to be alone for bit, too."

The two meandered hand-in-hand through the backstage workings seeking
out a quiet corner or room. Eventually they found the control room
which normally hummed with activity, but tonight was programmed to
automatically adjust sound quality and lighting if the performers
were not already doing so. As an added bonus, the room was sound
proofed.

As soon as they closed the door behind them, B'Lar was on
Obi-Wan, pushing him against the padded wall. Kissing him hard. Their
tongues dueled for dominance in each other's mouths and their
hands roamed over each other's chests and buttocks. B'Lar
especially liked Obi-Wan's shapely behind and squeezed it
possessively in his hands, pulling their growing erections together.

Obi-Wan groaned under the hot kisses and wrapped one leg around
B'Lar's hip.

"Nice." B'Lar whispered.

Things escalated quickly between the young lovers, and soon B'Lar
was tugging at Obi-Wan's tunics and reaching for his straining
member.

"Slow." Obi-Wan muttered between kisses.

B'Lar ignored the command and continued to fondle his friend.
Reaching for the ties under the tunics.

"No." Obi-Wan said, but he knew it sounded half hearted. He
liked the way B'Lar's hands felt on him.

Again, no change in his advance. B'Lar unknotted the tie and
reached in for his prize waiting at attention for him.

Obi-Wan gave a low groan when B'Lar began stroking him. "No.
I don't want this now." He said.

"No one will find us." B'Lar reassured, and stroked more
fervently.

"No." Obi-Wan said more forcefully, and pushed on his
lover's chest.

B'Lar breathed in Obi-Wan's ear. "You want me, I can feel
it. You want me inside you."

"Stop it, B'Lar." This time Obi-Wan's command was
accompanied by a slight touch of the Force.

B'Lar released his grip and backed away a step. "No? Stop?
What's the matter with you?"

"I tried to tell you this afternoon. I want things to go slower
between us."

B'Lar was shaking his head now. "I don't think so. You
had your turn. Now you expect me to wait for mine?"

He came at Obi-Wan again, wrapping his arms around the other
man's waist and kissing him on the neck. "I need to be inside
you." He said, feeling totally possessed by Obi-Wan's oozing
sexuality.

Obi-Wan gave him a firm push on the chest, but B'Lar was
prepared, his feet planted on the floor. Obi-Wan pushed again.
B'Lar continued his petting and kissing and licking. The more
Obi-Wan
protested and struggled, the more forceful and possessive
B'Lar's attentions became. He pinned him against the wall and
grabbed
his wrists in a bruising restraint. "Want you." He repeated in
Obi-Wan's ear.

"No!" Came the protest, that by now only fed the flames of
his lover's desire for him.

Obi-Wan tried to twist his body away and called on the Force to
assist, but B'Lar was also using the Force to pin his intended
against the wall. Finally, he struck Obi-Wan in the face with a
clenched fist, knocking the fair haired man brutally to the floor.
B'Lar was quickly on him, behind him, pulling his pants down
around his knees, and pulling his own aching cock out of its
confinement.

"I need you so bad, Obi-Wan." B'Lar grunted and then
leaned closer to his lover's ear. "You can imagine I'm
Qui-Gon fucking you... I won't mind." And then he pressed his
hardened cock at the entrance to Obi-Wan's anus.

Obi-Wan's vision was blurred and his head spun from the
aftershock of the blow. His stomach was pressed flat to the floor and
he was vaguely aware of his pants being pulled down and his legs
spread apart. Then he felt it. The hard presence pushing at his ass;
preparing to enter him. He shook his head to regain his composure and
then felt the head of B'Lar's cock as it began its slide into
him.

"No!" He shouted in pain and terror as he somehow twisted
away and
out of the penetration and onto his back. He was face to face with
B'Lar. Now he could fight. And with a fierce Force push he tossed
B'Lar against the far wall.

Pulling his pants up, he didn't wait for B'Lar's response
and fled the room. He ducked around the dozens of Jedi awaiting their
turn to go on stage and finally found his robe lying just offstage
where he'd left it. He peered over the stage and into the
audience to see his group of friends, and his master watching the
performance. He couldn't face them.

He ran through the backstage area and found an exit that led to the
main music annex and back into the Temple proper. A few short
hallways further and he was safely in the gardens.

*    *    *

It was nearly midnight when he returned to his quarters. He palmed
the door open and prayed that Qui-Gon was not waiting up for him.
When he entered only one light was left on for him, and the door to
his master's bedroom was closed. He was grateful for the solitude.

Qui-Gon knew the moment he had returned home. He was lying awake on
his bed; unable to sleep from his concern for Obi-Wan. He sat up when
he heard his apprentice's soft steps in the common room and then
heard running water in the kitchen. He decided to ask him why he
hadn't joined him and the others for the rest of the performance.
He was wearing only sleep pants and as an afterthought threw on his
Jedi robe.

As he walked quietly into the common area he could see Obi-Wan
preparing tea.

"I'll join you in a cup." He said.

Qui-Gon's voice startled Obi-Wan who turned completely away from
his master's approach and raised his hood to hide his broken
state. He continued preparing the tea as Qui-Gon came into the
kitchen and took a seat at the table.                                    

"Your friends missed your companionship tonight." He stated
simply and directly.

"I'm sorry I could not join you." Obi-Wan replied, his
back still turned to his master.

"You were needed to help with the other performers?" Qui-Gon
asked sincerely wondering why Obi-Wan had disappeared.

"Something like that."

He placed the tea on the table, keeping his body turned so that the
light did not illuminate his face.

Qui-Gon looked on him with great curiosity. "Why are you
concealing yourself from me, Obi-Wan? Are you embarrassed about your
performance? I assure you it was quite good."

There was a low sob from under the hood, and Qui-Gon's heart
constricted with the sound. "What's wrong, Obi-Wan? I can
feel a great sadness coming from you."

With those words Obi-Wan slammed his shields up so hard it jolted Qui-
Gon in his chair.  The master straightened his posture and then
leaned forward for a look under the hood. When Obi-Wan turned away
from him, he shot out of his seat and grabbed Obi-Wan's wrists,
firmly, but gently.

"Hurts." Obi-Wan cried out.

He was barely touching Obi-Wan. It shouldn't hurt. "Show your
face. I will not speak to you like this."

"Please, Master. Let me be."

"I will not. I demand you show your face, Obi-Wan." Now the
boy was frightening him.

Obi-Wan swallowed and nodded. It was his duty to obey his master, but
he did so reluctantly. As the hood came down, Obi-Wan's condition
became very clear. There was a serious purpling bruise on his left
cheek. Qui-Gon pushed the sleeves of his apprentice's robe back;
bruises on both his wrists... in the distinct shape of
fingers.              

"Who did this to you, Padawan?"

Obi-Wan shook his head not wanting to tell. Tears welling at the back
of his eyes.

"Topar." Qui-Gon said in a fierce, low tone. "He did this
didn't he? And what else?"

Obi-Wan knew he had to tell him, no matter how painful the truth, it
was his master's right to know what injury had been done to his
padawan and by whom.

"He... raped me, Master." He said, his eyes drifting away
from Qui-Gon's beautiful face.

"Raped you!" Qui-Gon took Obi-Wan's chin in his hand and
forced his padawan to look into his eyes. Qui-Gon's eyes were
ablaze. "Where is he now?"

"I don't know, Master."

Qui-Gon held back a tear, but it was very clear that he meant to do
B'Lar harm.

"Master, please. I will speak with him tomorrow."

"This is an offense. No Jedi harms another Jedi." Qui-Gon
stepped passed Obi-Wan to the door.

"No, Master, please." Obi-Wan said and slumped to the floor
in shame.

Qui-Gon did not turn back, storming down the hall searching for
Master Olan's quarters.

At the master's quarters he rang the chime. A moment passed
before Olan opened the door.

"It's very late, Qui-Gon." He said examining the wild
state of his
fellow master and noticing his barefeet. "What has brought you
out at
this hour?"

"I must speak with your apprentice."

"B'Lar? He's resting, as you should be."

"Then wake him. This will not wait."

Olan gestured for Qui-Gon to come into his quarters. The younger Jedi
waited as Olan first knocked and then entered his padawan's
chamber. There was a low discussion that he could not hear and then
B'Lar appeared in the doorway wearing a sleeping tunic and pants.

"Yes, Master Jinn. How may I help you?" He bowed respectfully.

// You little Sith.// Without further thought he was across the room
and pinning the youth against the wall. His large, strong hands
around the young man's throat. B'Lar squirmed and protested
and tried to pry him off, and even Master Olan's attempts to
remove Qui-Gon weren't sufficient to lessen the determined grip.
There
was nothing either of them could do to stop Qui-Gon from doing harm
to the one who had done harm to his Obi-Wan. No one, except Obi-Wan.

The young Jedi came through the open door of the room and halted,
surprised by the scene. "Master!"

Qui-Gon's stronghold did not waiver.

"Qui-Gon, please!" Obi-Wan shouted.

The sound of his name coming from his padawan startled Qui-Gon and he
released B'Lar. But when he looked into Obi-Wan's face he
shuddered at the sight of that terrible bruise. B'Lar might as
well have taken a dagger to his heart it hurt so bad to see Obi-Wan
injured.

"This matter is my concern and I will handle it in my own
way." Obi-Wan told him in a calm, even tone.

"Will someone tell me what is going on?" Master Olan asked in
a raised tone.

"A lovers' quarrel, Master." B'Lar said.

"Lovers' quarrel? Since when is rape a lovers'
quarrel?" Qui-Gon spat out at the boy.

"Rape?" Olan asked and faltered a little.

"Obi-Wan I'm surprised at you. Sending your master to resolve
this quarrel between us." B'Lar said smugly.

"I did not send him."

"You mean he came on his own? Then he must know how you feel
about him..."

Obi-Wan could hear the words coming from B'Lar's lips, but it
all seemed so fast. He tried to step forward to stop him from
finishing the sentence, but it was too late.

"... that you're in love with him." B'Lar chuckled.

Obi-Wan stumbled backwards several steps before steadying himself. He
could not bring himself to look on his master. He was so ashamed.

B'Lar could see that Qui-Gon was stunned as well, and went in for
the kill. "It's true, Master Jinn. All the padawans know how
Obi-Wan wants you. It's the talk of the Temple."

"Stop it, B'Lar." Obi-Wan said his eyes dead serious on
his ex-lover.

"What's this?" Olan asked, still trying to catch up.

Qui-Gon turned to Obi-Wan for an instant and their eyes met...
briefly. He then nodded a goodnight to Master Olan and turned tail
out of the room. His steps were so determined that his robe swooshed
passed Obi-Wan who still stood near the doorway. Obi-Wan reached out
to him, but stopped himself short of grabbing his arm.

"I don't know how you can live with yourself." Obi-Wan
blurted out to B'Lar and then quickly followed his master's
footsteps out of the room.

He kept a respectable distance from his master, following him back to
their quarters. At least Qui-Gon was returning to their quarters.
Maybe there was a possibility they would talk. Though Obi-Wan had no
idea what he would say. Should he deny what B'Lar had revealed?
Or suffer the consequences and the rejection? Maybe it was best to
get it over with and finally move on with his life.

Qui-Gon was pacing in the common area when Obi-Wan entered less than
a minute later.

"Master. I don't know what to say. B'Lar was trying to
hurt you... me."

Qui-Gon stopped pacing. "Then what he said is not true?"

Obi-Wan hesitated, but decided it would be best to put this behind
him as quickly as possible. "Please don't be angry with me,
Master."

"Answer the question, Obi-Wan. True or false?" Qui-Gon's
heart was pounding in his ears. He couldn't be sure if he was
shouting, but he felt sure he'd go mad not knowing Obi-Wan's
feelings.

"It is true. I am in love with you." Obi-Wan said, timidly
looking into Qui-Gon's face. He anticipated some bit of Jedi
wisdom telling him his affection was misplaced or simply a crush, but
instead he saw only serenity in the deep blue eyes. "I don't
expect you to return my feelings, Master. I know I am not your
equal."

"My equal?"

"Yes, well... you told me once that I was too young."

"You mean our conversation after...."

"The kiss." Obi-Wan nodded. "I have never forgotten your
words or that kiss."

It was the first either of them had mentioned that moment to the
other since it had happened.
                                   
"Forgive me, Obi-Wan. But I had no idea you felt this way."

"I promise it won't interfere with my training, Master.
I've managed to keep my feelings under control."

Qui-Gon stepped closer to his apprentice, his heart pounding so hard
now he could feel the blood pumping in and out. He took Obi-Wan's
hands in his. "What if I said I didn't want you to control
those feelings."

"Huh?"

"That I am in love with you, too, Obi-Wan."

"You? Love me? Please don't say that if you don't mean
it."

"But I do mean it. With all my heart, Obi-Wan. I love you."

"No. It's not true." Obi-Wan slumped to the floor at
Qui-Gon's feet, tears beginning to run down his cheeks.

Qui-Gon knelt before him, at an impasse of what to do. He had never
seen his padawan so inconsolable. In all their years, all their
missions together, he had never been so fragile. He tried to put his
arms around him, but the youth pulled away. His eyes wild with tears.

"Please don't." He said and somehow managed to pull
himself up from the floor and went to his room. Locking the door
behind him.

Qui-Gon flinched at the soft clicking sound of the lock. Obi-Wan had
never locked him out before. What was happening to them? They had
just confessed their love for each other. They should be in each
other's arms, not with a locked door between them. It didn't
make any sense.

// He needs a healer.// Qui-Gon decided and stepped over to the comm
panel. It took several minutes before he could raise his good friend
Citra on the comm.

"Are you on Hoth time or something, Qui-Gon?" Citra quipped,
rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

"We need you, Citra. Something's happened to Obi-Wan."

"Obi-Wan? Is he hurt?" Her eyes were wide open now.

"Yes, and I'm afraid it's a deeper hurt than I can
manage."

Citra nodded and the screen went blank. Within five minutes she was
at his quarters wearing her blue healer's robes.

"Where is he?" She asked without greeting.

Qui-Gon nodded to his apprentice's room. "The door is
locked."

"Would you care to tell me what happened?" She asked.

"He was raped."

She took a step back, shocked, but then the identity of the attacker
was suddenly clear. "Padawan Topar."

Qui-Gon gave a half nod.

"There's more." She stated simply, now with her on-duty
healing energy around her. She sensed much of what that was, but
wanted to hear it first hand from her friend.

"When Obi-Wan told me I became angry and confronted
B'Lar."

"And..."

"I tried to choke B'Lar, but Obi-Wan stopped me. Then
B'Lar revealed Obi-Wan's feelings for me. I didn't know
what to say or do, so I came back to our quarters. Obi-Wan followed
and then I asked him if it was true. He said yes. He is in love with
me."

There was a hint of a grin on Qui-Gon's mouth, but his shaking
hands revealed his dismay at the situation. "He thought I'd be
upset with him for his feelings, and then I told him that I felt the
same. That's when he broke down crying... He wouldn't let me
touch him and went into his room and locked the door."

Citra nodded and then padded over to Obi-Wan's door. She knocked
softly. "Padawan Kenobi. This is Healer Lanteen. I am here for
you. I will listen. I will guide you in your healing."

No response.

"Your master is concerned and wants you to speak with me. Please
let me in."

The lock clicked open and the door opened slightly. Citra looked over
her shoulder at Qui-Gon and sent him calm assurance through the Force
before stepping into Obi-Wan's room. The room was dark. The only
light the soft moon rays coming in from the open window.

Obi-Wan returned to kneeling on his meditation mat on the floor. His
face stone, distant.

Citra knelt before him. "Meditation is good." She spoke
softly.

No response.

"Perhaps you could go through your meditation with me?"

"It is a fiction. I am not meditating. I can not find my
center." The young man said in a flat, emotionless tone.

"You think you do not have balance now?"

No response.

"Are you afraid, Obi-Wan?" She asked noticing the sickening
bruise on his cheek.

"There is no emotion, there is peace." The young Jedi spat
out.

"Not the peace you thought there would be in your confession?"

He looked at her inquisitively.

"You've wanted to tell him that you love him for a very long
time, but it didn't happen the way you wanted it to."

"I've loved him since I was fifteen." He said, tears
forming in his eyes. "But I would never have told him..."

"And then this terrible thing happened. And the one person you
hated in that moment revealed your secret to your master." The
tear escaped and streaked down his bruised cheek. She was getting
close. "And it overwhelmed you to find that he, Qui-Gon, loved
you in return. Has for many years."

"No." He said, his reserve gathering around him again.

"No, he doesn't love you? Or no, you can't believe that
what you've wanted for so long could actually happen?"

"Neither."

"Or you were unprepared to accept that love, because you had
convinced yourself that he didn't love you, couldn't possibly
love you. Maybe he told you he loved you because of what happened to
you... because you were violated..."

"No!" Obi-Wan shouted in a burst of emotion, and stood.
"I was able to pull away from B'Lar. I was stronger than
him."

He was pacing now. His fists clenched. His jaw tight. He was
rightfully angry for what had happened to him. For the rape. And then
to have his deepest feelings thrown open by the very man who had
abused him had sent his world totally spinning out of control. There
was no where in that moment that he could possibly believe that his
master returned his feelings of love and passion. It was
Qui-Gon's duty to see to the well being of his apprentice, and
Obi-Wan now believed that his duty extended to lying about his
affection for his apprentice in order to put things right.

"Obi-Wan. I want you to meditate. I want you to remember that you
are your own center. That you are strong, but not so strong that you
do not need to be loved. And if it is love that you are seeking then
take the time to explore your feelings. I'm sure you will find
that everything you desire is within reach."

He froze at her words and then slowly knelt again. This time he
opened his mind to her. Emotions flooding the healing bond. Anger,
confusion, shame. Images of Qui-Gon as Obi-Wan saw him passed before
her eyes. Images of the strong, caring man. A man whom Obi-Wan adored
and loved with all his heart, but believed would never love him in
return. Then flashes of the violence B'Lar had subjected him to.
The fierce blow to his cheek, the shame and fear that raced through
him as he was forced onto the floor and the chill at the first touch
of penetration. Then the thoughts skipped to Obi-Wan crying at his
master's feet. More shame flooding the bond.

She began to work to separate the images. Obi-Wan had them all
knotted together in his mind. The love was mixed in with the shame,
and the affection with the violence. The events had happened so
quickly, so close in time, Obi-Wan had braided them into one long
thread in his mind. Citra eased healing energy along the tangled mass
and massaged the ends apart. She could hear Obi-Wan sigh as the
tension was released.

// Good. Now relax. Let each event, each emotion stand alone. Feel
each one in itself.//

They worked this way together for several hours. Making progress at
unraveling the threads, then helplessly watching as they slowly
twisted and curled around each other,  only to begin working to
unravel them again. They were both growing very tired and weak, but
Obi-Wan was definitely making progress. Though the healing was not
complete, Citra felt confident he had the skills and the desire to
finish the process on his own.

She gently pulled back out of his mind, but did not completely sever
the bond. Obi-Wan fell back on his heels.

"Please continue in this way, Padawan Kenobi. You are a very
brave young man, and one with much love to give."

He bowed to her.

"In the morning I want you to submit to a physical exam."

"No." He said flatly. "I know what happened. I don't
need anyone else telling me."

Citra understood, but did not agree. "Then perhaps you should
concentrate on healing your visible wounds." She said before
leaving him. Finding it curious that he had neglected to heal his
bruises when he could have easily done so on his own.

She returned to the common area where Qui-Gon too was meditating. He
shot up to his feet. It always amazed her how fast this large man
could move.

"How is he?"

"He is healing."

"What can I do?"

"Wait. He needs time." She wanted to leave without revealing
much of what had taken place in the privacy of Obi-Wan's room,
but she could feel the torment in her friend. He deserved something
more than a clinical analysis.

"The events of the rape and the confession of your love for each
other have intertwined in his mind." She put her hand on his.
"He will come through this, Qui-Gon. And when he is ready, you
need to be there for him. But you may need to begin again."

"Begin again?"

"He believes you only told him you loved him to comfort him in
his pain. He will need  some convincing to believe otherwise."

He nodded. After she left he retired to his room and tried to sleep.

*    *    *

The next morning he stayed in their quarters hoping Obi-Wan would
emerge from his isolation. He even cooked his padawan's favorite
breakfast hoping the smell of the hot cereal would lure him out of
his room. He knew Obi-Wan was awake. He could feel that easily
through their training bond, but the boy's shields were up...
very tight.

Qui-Gon couldn't postpone his duties any longer and finally left
for a meeting with Mace Windu. After the lengthy meeting, a
distasteful review of the report from their last mission, Qui-Gon
took a direct route back to his quarters. He ran into Citra along the
way.

"I was just going to check on Obi-Wan." He told her.

"I was just there, and he's not in your quarters." She
said and then asked, "Were you able to speak with him?"

"No. He never came out of his room while I was there. He must
have been waiting for me to leave. Where do you suppose he's
gone?"

Just then two padawans ran by their feet pounding on the hall floor
as they sped toward an unknown destination. Qui-Gon and Citra smiled
at one another in amusement. Such outward display of emotion was rare
and frowned upon at the Temple. They would surely hear about it from
their masters.

Seconds later Obi-Wan's friend Bant came tearing down the hall.
This one Qui-Gon stopped.

"Where's everyone running to?"

Bant bowed as she caught her breath. "Master Jinn. They're
fighting in the training salle."

"Who's fighting?"

"Obi-Wan and B'Lar. And I think Obi-Wan's going to kill
B'Lar."

Qui-Gon's eyes could not help but grow wide with amazement and
concern. He looked to Citra and without a word they raced down the
hall to the training salle with the padawan.

They could not tell how long the duel had been going. Both young men
were soaked in sweat, but the crowd of onlookers was just beginning
to assemble. Qui-Gon's steps took him close to the ring, but
Citra took hold of his upper arm and pulled him back.

"No, Qui-Gon. Don't interfere. He needs to do this."

"I can't allow him to kill B'Lar."

"He won't." She said firmly.

"But their sabers are set on full power."

Citra's eyes widened. Of course she missed that, since a healer
didn't carry or train with lightsabers. But she had every
confidence in Obi-Wan, and that he needed to do this his way. She
held firm to Qui-Gon's arm and could feel the great man's
need to pull Obi-Wan out of the ring and into his arms.

"Qui-Gon, listen to me." Citra said, in a low tone. "I
went to see B'Lar this morning and he wasn't very
cooperative. He would not seek counsel."

"He must. He has committed a great offense."

"Obi-Wan has made no charges against him... that means B'Lar
must concede to the healers counseling of his own volition." She
watched the fierce duel for a moment and then turned back to Qui-
Gon. "I think Obi-Wan feels the need to intervene in
B'Lar's healing process."

Qui-Gon nodded. He could feel the contained anger of his padawan and
understood that he meant to force him to seek the counseling of the
healers. This duel would purge B'Lar from Obi-Wan's system.
Make him whole again.

They fought furiously for over an hour. Obi-Wan had the edge from the
very start, but he seemed to want to prolong B'Lar's
suffering, make him see his strength and know that the rape had not
destroyed him.

The few other masters in the room seemed nervous, but restrained
themselves from interfering. Both apprentice's masters were in
the room, and if they were not prepared to stop the fight, then no
one else would.

B'Lar was struggling now against Obi-Wan's continued blows.
The Force was flowing around Obi-Wan helping him to move almost
effortlessly. What had begun in anger had now filtered to calm and
Obi-Wan was in his true warrior's form. There was nothing and no
one who could beat him when he was this in tune with the Force.
B'Lar
could feel it. Everyone in the room could feel it. He finally
conceded, throwing down his lightsaber and kneeling before Obi-Wan.

"I concede." B'Lar said looking pitifully into his former
lover's eyes.

The room was completely silent waiting for Obi-Wan's response.
His lightsaber was still activated and held at the ready. Even Qui-
Gon wondered if his apprentice would let this end here.

"I do not accept." He said. Even with the sweat beading off
his forehead, he looked every bit ready to continue the fight.

"What? I concede. You accept. It's that simple."
B'Lar retorted.

Obi-Wan shook his head. "Not until you agree to the counseling of
healers."

B'Lar rolled his eyes. "This is ridiculous." He began to
rise up from his knees, but was stopped by the blue energy blade at
his throat. He could feel the heat radiating off Obi-Wan's saber.

There was a gasp from some of the younger padawans in the room. Only
five people were aware of the events that had taken place between
these two men. To everyone else this situation was dangerous and
shocking.

"Don't tempt me, B'Lar." Obi-Wan's look was
lethal. One he reserved for the most formidable of opponents. Never
used on another Jedi. Not even in jest. And then he projected how he
felt betrayed. His friend visibly trembled at this realization and
sat back on his heels.

"Obi-Wan." He said gently and tried to reach out to his
friend.

But Obi-Wan stepped back from the touch. "You will seek the
counseling of healers."

B'Lar nodded in fervent agreement.

"And you will not come within one hundred meters of me again."

B'Lar's mouth dropped open and everyone in the room could
feel his shock and bewilderment. "Can't we be friends..."

"You lost that right, Padawan Topar. And if you have any hope of
renewing that friendship, I expect you to honor my request."

B'Lar bowed his head in agreement, defeat and humility. Obi-Wan
deactivated his lightsaber. Bowed slightly to seal the agreement. And
left the room.

*    *    *

Obi-Wan returned to his shared quarters, showered, and then went to
his room to meditate. He was determined to put this behind him, but
he had much to work out in his mind and heart before he could. By the
evening meal, he was feeling drained and had one very critical issue
to face—Qui-Gon.

His master made light conversation during their meal. Never alluding
to the painful events of the last couple of days. Obi-Wan was
relieved for this respite. Despite, or because of his diligent work
at healing himself, he was tired and his feelings and his life a bit
frazzled. He was happy to clean up after their meal in gratitude for
Qui-Gon's understanding and for the good meal his master had
prepared.  

As he brought the dishes into their small kitchen and began to wash
them, he noticed that Qui-Gon did not retreat to the common area to
read, as was his custom. Instead, he stood at the edge of the kitchen
and watched. Watched Obi-Wan's hands move quickly, and
efficiently over the plates.

There had been plenty of times of silence between them over the
years, but most were comfortable, shared moments. This was not.

"Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon said to gain his apprentice's
attention. He walked over to stand next to him at the sink. The young
man stopped motion, but did not turn to face him.

"Would you care to talk?" Qui-Gon asked.

Obi-Wan winced at the question. It seemed he wouldn't escape this
evening without talking about *it.* "My healing is nearly
complete."

"Is it?"

"Yes, Master. Healer Lanteen's techniques helped me sort
through my feelings... and my physical wounds are healed."

"And you are satisfied with ending your friendship to Padawan
Topar?"

Obi-Wan nodded, biting his lower lip. "For now it is what I need.
Maybe someday I can be friends with B'Lar again."

By now, Qui-Gon was drying the dishes. They each allowed the silence
to grow again, but worked together in their tasks.

Obi-Wan could feel Qui-Gon's concern and it was a comfort to him.
The man had always been there for him. In good times and in bad. He
was often a reserved man, hard to read unless you knew him well, and
Obi-Wan did. He had tried to be a comfort to his master over the
years in return. Doing simple things such as removing his boots after
a long day, or easing the tension in a negotiation by whispering a
clever remark in his ear.

Qui-Gon's appreciation had shown, subtly. Yes, there was great
affection between the two. But did that affection go beyond their
comfortable working relationship? Obi-Wan remembered Qui-Gon's
words, that his master loved him, but he still wasn't sure he
believed him. And even if it was true, how could they possibly move
into such a relationship? Could they have it all? Be Jedi and be
lovers?

As they finished putting the dishes away, Obi-Wan walked out onto
their small balcony. The night was cool, and the air misty with a
light fog. Qui-Gon joined him, leaning with his back to the railing
so that he could face his apprentice.

"Last night some things were said." Obi-Wan began.

Qui-Gon nodded. He understood immediately that his apprentice was
referring to the private feelings that were revealed.

"Things I didn't want you to hear." Obi-Wan told him.

Qui-Gon straightened, but remained against the rail.

"I guess I wasn't ready for you to hear them. Not like that,
not from B'Lar, and certainly not now."

"And you want to take them back?" Qui-Gon asked. He had to be
careful. The Council did not forbid relationships between masters and
their apprentices, but the Code was clear that the apprentice must be
the initiator.

"I wasn't ready for you to know how I feel. I'm very
ashamed that you do now."

"Ashamed, Obi-Wan?"

"And embarrassed. My feelings haven't changed, Master. I do
feel... I guess I just thought it wouldn't happen until I was
knighted, and maybe not even then. So, in my mind it's not right
now... not the way it happened at least."

Qui-Gon wanted desperately to take Obi-Wan in his arms. Tell him
again how much he loved him, and that they could begin again, any way
he liked. But that would be against the Code. If Obi-Wan was  
uncomfortable with sharing his feelings with his Master now, then so
be it. Qui-Gon could do nothing to change that.

"I promise my feelings won't interfere with my training, or
my becoming a knight."

"I know they won't, Obi-Wan. You are a good student and a
fine young man."

With those words, Obi-Wan gave a short nod and returned to his room.
He knelt in the middle of the floor to meditate. But as soon as his
knees hit the mat he began to weep and to shake with emotional pain.
How could Qui-Gon just stand there and not reach out to him? Why
didn't he tell him that everything would be all right? Why
didn't he repeat his declaration of love to his apprentice?
Because, as Obi-Wan had suspected all along, that declaration had
simply been a way to soften Obi-Wan's pain. Surely Qui-Gon loved
him,
but as all master's love their apprentices. Anything more than
that
and Obi-Wan was truly delusional.

Obi-Wan wept until he had no more tears to shed and then climbed into
bed, fully clothed, and fell asleep.