Pairing: Q/O
Category: Possible AU, First Time, POV (Qui-Gon's), Romance
Rating: R
Archive: MA and my site
http://home.talkcity.com/SpiritCir/hudson25/Shrine.html anyone
else just ask.
Warnings: None
Spoilers: maybe? for TPM and the JA books.
Summary: Qui-Gon finds what he's been missing all his life.
Feedback: I crave it! Please! goddesscal@earthlink.net
Authors Note: The story at the end that Obi-Wan quotes is
Gabrielle's story from the Xena: Warrior Princess episode
Prometheus. Ever since I rewatched that episode I knew that story
was perfect for Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan and it was just a matter of
how to write it. Well I finally figured it out and here's the
result!
As I walk to the Gardens from the quarters that Obi-Wan and I
share, I rub at my neck which is still red and sore from our
lovemaking, but I don't mind. I smile remembering the feel of his
teeth biting into my skin. I carry his scent on me. I close my
eyes and breathe in the night air, envisioning the feel of his
soft golden skin beneath me. His eyes bright with wonder and
desire as I touched him. His screams of passion when he climaxed.
What a wonderful evening we have just spent together. Already I
ache for his touch again, but there is something I must do first.
I reach the Gardens grateful for the solitude of the early hour.
I settle comfortably on the grass, and my thoughts turn to the
past.
I never thought I would take another Padawan after Xanatos. My
failure with him completely disrupted my center, and made me
question everything in my life. Not good for a Jedi, I know. Xani
was in love with me, and I loved him. Just not the way he wanted
me to. I have been alone most of my life. Oh, I have had several
lovers, but nothing solid. Nothing that made my heart skip beats,
nothing that made me ache to have that person by my side. After
making love, I didn't feel the completeness that others talked
about. I didn't talk about my lovers constantly. My eyes didn't
glaze over as friends did when reminiscing about their
significant others. It was almost as if something was missing. In
fact, I was left feeling empty and void. Almost as if I still
needed something, still searched for something. What was it that
eluded me and why could I not love ? I could not give Xani what
he wanted me to. Not only was it forbidden but, how could I? When
I had never felt that way about anyone? The boy was beautiful and
I refused to use him just as a bedmate. Really, that's all it
would have been, and in the process of trying to protect him, I
did irreparable damage to him. He turned to the dark. I failed
him. Afterwards, I hid from everyone and everything.
Then Obi-Wan walked into my life, wanting me to train him wanting
to become my Padawan. He was so full of life, so bright and eager
to learn. I rejected him at first, fearing that I would fail him
as I had Xanatos. But he was stubborn and persistent, and there
was something about him, something I couldn't quite put my finger
on. Even Yoda was on his side. The little troll kept urging me to
take Obi-Wan as my student. So I took him as my Padawan Learner.
The day he moved into my quarters, he moved into my heart.
Everyone in the Temple adored him. I would register the
appreciative glances Obi-Wan drew - the comments from other
Masters on his manners, his inquisitiveness, his lust for life.
Even in youth, I could see the beauty of the man Obi-Wan was to
become. His smoky eyes danced with constant amusement, and his
radiant smile could outshine even the brightest sun. His
enthusiasm for learning knew no bounds. He was a fountain of
questions and in my river of doubt, Obi-Wan was a breath of fresh
air. I became enchanted with this vibrant boy, and I watched him
grow into a handsome young man. In turn, I began to feel whole.
Far to soon for me, he was a teenager, and suitors came calling.
One night Obi-Wan returned to our quarters late, flushed and
reeking of sex. I sat calmly on the couch as he realized I was
still waiting up for him. He muttered an embarrassed good night
and all but fled to his room. I let him go without comment, and
rose to go to my own bed when I felt a knot in the pit of my
stomach. Was I jealous? Surely not! I had never felt jealousy
with any of my partners, and Obi-Wan certainly wasn't my lover.
Yet, as I turned down my lights and climbed into my bed, the knot
turned into an almost unbearable ache. That ache returned many
times over the next few years. I remember noticing it to be most
strong whenever I was in anyway separated from Obi-Wan. Only when
we were together did it ease. What did it mean? Surely I couldn't
desire a child? It was the most unethical thing I could think of.
Why I was old enough to be his father! The Council could strip me
of my title and force me to leave the Order if they thought I
lusted for my Padawan !
What was it about this young man that enamored me so? Still I
couldn't help but notice the graceful slide of muscle as he
practiced his katas. The way our bodies pressed against each
other when I corrected his stance. I would watch the sweat trail
down his naked chest in droplets falling unheeded to the mat on
the floor. His proud smile when I complemented him on a job well
done. One day during a particularly intense work out, I wrestled
him to the ground and was mortified to find I had the most
intense erection of my life. I immediately released him, ignoring
his confused look and hastened to our quarters to take a long
cold shower. As I let the cold water course over my hot skin I
thought, well that's it. I definitely want my Padawan. I couldn't
deny my feelings any more than I could deny my lungs the need for
air. I started to avoid him then, terrified he would discover my
inappropriate feelings. I would wait until long after he had gone
to sleep to return home. I encouraged his outings with friends,
and doubled his workload. Not only to keep him from discovering
how I felt, but I had found if it were not for our heavy cloaks
my arousal would be painfully apparent to him anytime we were
together. So much for the famous Jedi Master control right? I
know. It seems that in trying to protect my Padawan that once
again, I only ended up making the situation worse. Obi-Wan began
to avoid me as well. I think he felt like I didn't want anything
to do with him outside our Master/Apprentice relationship. He
stopped confiding in me, and our relationship strained even
further.
Then came the mission that took us to Naboo were our lives
changed forever. I made the further mistake of assuming Obi-Wan
was ready for his trials, and embarrassed him before the Council
by asking to take Anakin as my Padawan. We arrived back on Naboo
to protect the Queen. The Sith I had battled on Tatoonie was
there. He challenged us, and we fought him. Obi-Wan saving me
from a fatal blow by the Sith's hand, taking the blow meant for
me. I destroyed the Sith and carried my broken Obi-Wan back to
Coruscant. There he languished for days recovering from his
injury. I stayed by his side the entire time. I held his hand and
wept. I almost lost him. I had wronged him with Anakin and then
he had almost died saving my life. The ache returned in full
force those days in the infirmary. The day he was allowed to go
home was one of the happiest in my life. He allowed me to take
care of him. Of course, he complained he wasn't an invalid and
could take care of himself, but I just laughed telling him I
loved to take care of him. His head jerked up at that, and I felt
a deep blush stain my cheeks, and tried to cover by rushing to
make him dinner. It took him almost a month to recover from his
wound. I turned Anakin's training over to the Council and they
assigned him another Master. Obi-Wan was quite surprised at that.
He kept giving me long sideways glances the entire time I spoke
to the Council on Anakin's behalf. In the same meeting the
Council decided Obi-Wan's sacrifice to save me was his trial, and
that he was to be Knighted the following week. I smiled at him
proudly as the realization of what the Council had said began to
dawn on him. He practically floated back to our quarters.
The next morning things had changed. Gone was the need I felt to
distance myself from him. Gone as well was the awkwardness we had
developed with each other. In fact, Obi-Wan seemed to be flirting
with me. A shy glance here and there. A brush of his hand against
mine while cleaning up after our meal, and sitting closer to me
on the couch than was necessary. Could this young man desire me
as I did him? I sat down to work on some project that remained
nameless to me. I couldn't tell anyone what it was about. I
turned round to rub at my eyes, and there he stood clad only in a
small towel, dripping from his recent shower. I tried to turn
back to my work. Tried to ignore the growing need in my body, but
I found I couldn't take my eyes off him. He leaned over me to
glance at what I was reading, and the closeness of that almost
naked body was nearly my undoing. I all but knocked him over,
standing up and informing him I was going to meditate.
Then came the day of his Knighting. It was a wonderful ceremony,
and I was surprised to find some sadness mingled in with the
happiness I felt. He was a Jedi Knight now, and it disheartened
me to know he would most likely be leaving me soon. We celebrated
that night, talking like we hadn't in years. He admitted it hurt
him to think I didn't want to be around him, and I apologized for
it. I must admit; I had too much to drink. Maybe I wanted to lose
control. I became lost in those gorgeous eyes of his, and before
I knew it I was confessing how difficult it had been for me to
almost lose him. How I couldn't imagine my life without him. I
told him the real reason why I had been avoiding him. After all,
it wasn't forbidden any longer right? The next thing I knew I had
a lap-full of Obi-Wan, and he was kissing me passionately. It
felt so right. I slid my arms around him, pulling him closer to
me. I kissed every inch of his face and neck, running my tongue
delicately over the supple skin.When he leaned over biting into
my neck, all reason fled. I growled picking him up, and carried
him to my bed where I pretty much ravished him. My hands were
everywhere, exploring every inch of that luscious body. He
writhed beneath me as I stroked and caressed him, working my
fingers down to his most intimate place. He moaned when I
inserted my finger to prepare him for my body. I almost cursed
when I fumbled with my uncooperative leggings trying to free my
aching erection. I looked down in surprise, hearing his barely
concealed chuckle. Then his hands were there helping me, freeing
me from my clothing.
I gasped as his hand brushed against my hardness, and groaned
when that hand grasped me gently guiding me. I pressed forward
gently at his opening, slowly working myself inside him. He
raised a leg over my shoulder to help my entry, and threw his
head back when my mouth latched onto his nipple. I moved gently
at first, not wanting to hurt him. But soon his moans, and cries
for more left me pounding into him almost senselessly. I gathered
myself enough to reach between us, and stroke his neglected
erection. He tilted his hips to a greater angle, and I knew I had
hit the right spot when he shuddered and screamed his pleasure,
spilling his passion all over his chest and my hand. I followed
him shortly after, collapsing on top of him. We lay there hands
entwined, gasping for breath. He smiled at me muttering three
words that I was sure was I love you. I watched him as his eyes
fluttered closed, his breathing evened out, and he eventually
fell asleep, spooning close to me. I ran my fingers through his
short hair, thinking of what just happened between us. This
beautiful young man had just given me a most incredible gift. A
gift I had received before, but never could give in return
myself. I couldn't hurt Obi-Wan as I had others. I had to think.
So here I sit contemplating my past, trying to discover what it
is that has eluded me all this time.
I come back to the present when I feel a slender hand clasp my
shoulder, and Obi-Wan quietly sits down beside me. I smile at him
and reach up to caress his cheek with my thumb and forefinger,
revealing in the feel of his skin against mine. He leans into the
touch and returns my smile. By the Gods, he is beautiful. He
looks up at me again through lowered lashes, and I am lost.
"Master," he breathes. "What are you doing out
here so early? Come back to bed with me," his eyes gleam
with wicked intent.
I laugh.
"Obi-Wan, I will return shortly. There are some matters I
must consider first." I see a brief flash of concern color
his eyes.
"Master, you don't regret what happened between us do you?
" he asks hesitantly.
"Never Obi-Wan. Last night was wonderful and I wouldn't take
it back for the world, and it's, Qui-Gon," he is after all a
Knight now. No longer my Padawan, but I guess old habits
die-hard. I still want to think of him as my Padawan.
"Qui-Gon, what is it?" he presses me again.
I sigh and fold my arms back inside my sleeves.
"I'm not sure Obi-Wan. Have you ever felt something was
missing and you're not sure what?"
He smiles at me.
"Yes I have felt that way. Many times as a matter of
fact," he shifts his weight to lean closer.
I gaze out at the early morning sky.
"I have felt that way a long time, yet now I feel different
and I'm not quite sure why.
He considers this for a moment.
"Master, let me tell you a story I heard when I was a
childÉOnce a long long time ago all people had four legs and two
heads. Then the Gods threw down thunderbolts and split everyone
into two. Each then had two legs and one head, but the separation
left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. Cause
they each shared the same soul," he glances at me intently
then whispers,
" And ever since then all people spend their lives searching
for the other half of their soulÉ"
His voice trails off and, he suddenly looks away almost as if
embarrassed.
I stare at him speechless. Years of trying to put a finger on
what I felt and, my Padawan has given me the answer in less than
a few minutes. How could I have been so blind? I chuckle softly
as I think how the teacher can still learn from the student. He
glances back at me shyly. I cup his chin in my hand.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi, I love you," I say softly and brush my
lips against his.
His smile is wide. "I love you, Qui-Gon Jinn."
I wrap my arms around him and he sighs contentedly and settles
back into my arms.
Yes that's what's been missing, what I had been searching for.
That's what I had finally found. The other half of my soul. I am
complete.
Finis.
Disclaimer: Qui-Gon's ability to discern love was not harmed
during this story; however, his ability to convey his thoughts
left something to be desired.
