What To Do With A Drunk Jedi Master
By Jade (email:  jadee@earthlink.net)

Series: no
Archive: Master And Apprentice,QJEB, any others please
ask first
Spoilers:  none
Category: Pre-Slash, Other
Rating:  PG
Warnings:  smutless ;)
Feedback: Much appreciated, and will definitely
encourage me:)
Summary:  Qui-Gon cuts loose for a night and Obi-Wan
exacts his revenge.
Disclaimer:  Owned by George Lucas, no money made, blah,
blah, promise to put them back after a bad night’s rest.

Notes:  A special thank you goes to Boots, who was kind
enough to give this little story a fair beta, when she
wasn’t laughing at Qui-Gon anyway <eg>.

“I love you padawaan!”  Qui teetered precariously on
legs that suddenly weren’t going in the same direction
as he was.  His young apprentice was having a hard time
keeping him on his feet as they headed back to their
shared quarters.  Suddenly, Obi-Wan was slammed into the
wall by his master’s considerable bulk.  He grimaced
when his master placed a sloppy kiss on his forehead.

“Uh, yes, Master, I love you too” the apprentice said,
blushing slightly as he disentangled himself from his
instantaneously amorous master.  Once he realized for
himself that the force could and would come to his aid,
he managed to convince his master that walking right to
their shared quarters was a great idea with a small
mental nudge to the master’s mind.

‘Must have been some party!’ Obi thought to himself as
he took on most of his tipsy master’s weight.  Until
tonight, he had no idea that Qui-Gon could feel so
heavy.  The young man started comparing his master to a
sleeping hutt, and to a tranquilized wild Bantha as his
muscles strained under the extra baggage of Qui-Gon
Jinn’s staggering form.  No doubt Qui-Gon would be
suffering from a head-splitting hangover later in the
morning.  Obi-Wan pulled back when his master stopped
abruptly and refused to move further.  He looked up into
his master’s confused face.  He prayed the man wasn’t
about to vomit in the corridors because from personal
experience with his peers, that’s what usually happened
when he saw that queasy look.

“Padawan-” Qui-Gon said, his voice slurred and he swayed
until Obi-Wan held him firmly by the shoulder.  Obi-Wan
added to his litany of prayer to the force that the
maintenance droids wouldn’t gossip if the inevitable
happened.

“Yes, Master?” Obi-Wan did his best to hide the
trepidation in his voice.

“What day iz it?”

“Seventh day, Master”

“Well!  That confirms it, I have an appointment with
Master Yoda today!”  Qui-Gon said, then turned uneasily
on his heel and started to walk towards Yoda’s
quarters.  Obi-Wan was quite surprised to see him walk
without help.  He was pleased to see that he wouldn’t be
having to clean up after his master after all.  The last
thing he needed was his master’s reputation being
tarnished by this incident.  Qui-Gon continued his
unsteady walk down the halls under his padawan’s
watchful gaze.

“Sith!”  Obi-Wan cursed when his master stumbled over
thin air and almost fell on his face.

“Padawan, where are you?”  Qui-Gon crooned loudly, his
arms flailing for balance.  Obi-Wan raced up to him,
folding himself under the man’s right arm to help him
keep his balance.

“Why there you are!” His master said and placed another
kiss on his face, this time on his cheek.  The young man
almost choked on the strong smell of alcohol in his
master’s breath.  Obi-Wan held his comments for when he
knew his master would remember them.  It was only a few
minutes until they reached Yoda’s small apartment, as
they didn’t live far from Qui-Gon’s old master.

“Master Yoda!  I’m here for my appointment!  Open up!”
Qui-Gon said too loudly for Obi-Wan’s comfort.  The
young padawan was quickly losing control of the
situation and this flustered him greatly.  Certainly the
elderly Master Yoda was not up for his master’s visit,
and Obi-Wan tried in vain to pull Qui-Gon away from the
door.  Suddenly, the door opened, almost causing Qui-Gon
to fall through the opened doorway had Obi-Wan not
caught him with massive use of the force.

“Watch your step, you shall!” A small, annoyed voice
barked at Qui-Gon, causing both of the Jedi to look
down.  Yoda, venerated Jedi Master, stood watching them
with squinting green eyes and ears that drooped low in
irritation at having been awakened.  Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon
both gawked at the sight before them.

Pink...a pink fuzzy cloth bathrobe and a pair of pink,
even fuzzier slippers that had long, oval ears sticking
out of either side were all that Yoda was wearing.  If
Obi-Wan weren’t so demeaned by his master’s behavior, he
would have hit the floor laughing, but all he could do
right now was try to recover from the shocking sight of
Yoda in pink.

“Master!  I’m here for my 11th hour appointment!”
Qui-Gon said boisterously, waving the one arm that
wasn’t being held tightly by Obi-Wan.  Yoda glared at
both the master and his young padawan, the wrinkles in
his green face deepening in a dark frown.

Finally, the ancient master spoke.  ”The 3rd hour, this
is!    Drunk as a hutt, you are, Qui-Gon Jinn, to your
quarters, you will go!” he screeched with a voice that
brooked no argument from master or padawan.  Qui-Gon
swayed and stared at his padawan with glassy eyes.

“Is this true, Obi-Wan?”  Qui-Gon blinked twice, as he
tried in earnest to clear his vision to no avail.  “Are
you embarrassing me by letting me arrive too early for
my appointment with the little green troll?”

“Master!”  Obi-Wan lamented, not caring if Master Yoda
saw him whine.  Opening his mouth to speak again,
Qui-Gon felt a sharp pain in his shin.

“Ow!”  Qui-Gon yelped, jumping as Yoda’s gimer stick
found its intended target.

“To your quarters go, Qui-Gon Jinn!”  Yoda snapped at
Qui-Gon, waving the stick frantically to threaten
Qui-Gon with another smack.  Obi-Wan pulled on his
master’s arm to drag him away from Yoda’s quarters.

“I’ll take care of him, Master Yoda” Obi-Wan said as
Qui-Gon allowed himself to be pulled away.

“See to that, you will!”  Yoda grunted with disapproval,
and as soon as the master and padawan pair were away
from the door, it slammed shut.

“Well, that was rude!”  Qui-Gon radiated astonishment at
Yoda’s dismissal.  Obi-Wan nodded his head.  He was
tired and his frustration with his master was growing.
It was still only 3 in the morning and he didn’t need
any more trouble.  Thoughts of how he was going to
manage the rest of the trip back to their quarters
plagued him.  He helped Qui-Gon into the lift that would
take them to their quarters before his master realized
they were meeting Adi Gallia and Siri for lunch.  It was
doubtful they would appreciate Qui-Gon banging on the
door and demanding lunch at 3 am.

“You’d think he’d be happy that I was early for the
meeting.”  Qui-Gon slumped against the wall, his long,
wobbly legs unable to support him.

“Master, being a little early is good, but you beat your
appointment by 8 hours!”  The teenager snapped at him.

“Really?”  His eyes blinked, focusing was so difficult
after a few drinks.  He didn’t realize he had 3
padawans, but there they were, glaring at him.  Obi-Wan
eyed at him with an exasperated look on his handsome
young face. The tunics that his master usually wore with
such dignity were crooked and stained horribly, his hair
tie had become loose and had fallen off somewhere
between Yoda’s quarters and the lift doors, and his face
had a thin sheen of sweat over it.  Blue eyes that could
capture every nuance of conversation during negotiations
were dull and glazed with drink. As he examined the man,
he tried to discern what Qui-Gon had been drinking.
>From the brownish color of the stains on the front of
his tunic, it could have been any number of strong
liquors.  He was distracted from his thoughts when
Qui-Gon moved.

A stray piece of long brown hair distracted Qui-Gon and
he flailed his right hand in a vain attempt to brush it
out of his face.  Obi-Wan watched him, not making a move
to help the man as he was quite annoyed at Qui-Gon’s
lack of control.  When the lift doors opened, he grasped
Qui-Gon’s arm and pulled him out of the lift compartment
towards their quarters.

“There was a young man from Dantooine!”  Obi-Wan cringed
once his master broke out into a loud, boisterous
limerick.

“Whose eyes had a curious gleam!”  Qui-Gon swung one arm
out and hung onto Obi-Wan tightly as the young man tried
to manage both the drunken master and punching in their
access code.

“He said to the Hutt!”  The older man shouted, his
baritone, way off key voice echoed down the hallway and
Obi-Wan sighed in his distress.  He planned on having a
few harsh words with his master in the morning about
getting singing lessons.  ‘Where on Coruscant did he
learn that limerick?’  He wondered.

“Quiet, Master” he said to him harshly, as some of their
fellow Jedi were now peeking their heads through open
doorways to see what the matter was.

“As he wiggled his butt!”  Qui-Gon shouted, ignoring his
apprentice wholeheartedly.

The door slid open and Obi-Wan pushed Qui-Gon into their
common room.  Just as Obi-Wan turned around to close the
door shut, his master stuck his head out the door and
shouted the last piece of the limerick.

“That he was a wonderful fuck!”  The few jedi that were
watching gasped in shock as Qui-Gon burst into laughter
and was abruptly pulled back into his quarters by his
angry apprentice.  Still laughing uproarishly, Qui-Gon
was having trouble standing and leaned against the wall
for support.  Laughter got caught in his throat and
Qui-Gon started coughing hard.

“Sith!”  Obi-Wan used the force to open the refresher
door just as his master stumbled into it.  The young man
flinched as his master proceeded to throw up.  He could
only imagine what his master drank that made him so
ill.  When he heard the fresher unit flush, he had
already filled a glass of cool water and was waiting for
Qui-Gon to leave the small bathing room when he heard a
loud moan.  As he walked from the small kitchen unit in
the common room, Obi-Wan gasped and stood back from the
doorway at the sight his master made.

Apparently Qui-Gon had collapsed onto the floor after
vomiting, and the large man’s body lie sprawled across
the cool tile.  Obi-Wan galvanized himself into action
and after placing the glass of water on the sink near
him, he crouched by his master’s form.

“Master! Qui-Gon!”  He slapped the clammy face lightly
to draw Qui-Gon back to consciousness.  The man moaned
loudly and his eyes slowly opened.

“Master, do you need a healer?”  Obi-Wan asked as his
master struggled to sit up.  Obi-Wan was beginning to
fear for his master’s well-being.  It was amusing to see
him sloppy drunk, but seeing the large man pass out was
a scary experience for Obi-Wan.  The pale face and drawn
features were enough to destroy all thoughts of
retribution for his earlier behavior.  Qui-Gon swayed
until Obi-Wan stilled him with shaking hands.  The
master shook his head.

“Nooo, Obi-Wan, I’ll be all right.  Wanna sleep” he
mumbled, his voice still slurred.  He smiled dimly as
his apprentice brushed the hair that clung to his face
away.

“Don’t you scare me like that again, Master” the young
man whispered harshly.

“Won’t” was the slurred reply.  It was enough for
Obi-Wan, for the young man let out the breath he didn’t
know he was holding since he’d entered the refresher.
Calming himself, Obi-Wan swallowed hard, hoping that
since Qui-Gon had been ill, his condition would
improve.  He rubbed the man’s arm, the warmth of his
master’s skin underneath his hand proving itself a salve
to his startled mind.

“Can you stand up?”

“Nope”

“Master, I have to get you into bed now.  I want you to
let me help you out of those clothes”  Obi-Wan told the
man as he got up.  Summoning the force one last time for
the evening, he lifted his master’s body and dragged him
to his bedroom.

Qui-Gon grunted when he hit the surface of his large bed
with some speed.  He laughed when he saw his three
apprentices struggle with the fastenings to his boots.

“You know, you’d think you could take off my boots far
faster between the three of you, Obi-Wan”  he said, but
Obi-Wan paid him no attention.  With a great tug,
Obi-Wan pulled one boot free, then went to work on the
next.  As he unfastened the last buckle on Qui-Gon’s
left boot, he heard his master begin snoring lightly.  A
faint smile crossed Obi-Wan’s lips as he spied his
master as the man slept.  He quietly went about removing
Qui-Gon’s dark brown robe and light beige tunics.  When
his master was bare save his rumpled leggings, Obi-Wan
pulled the covers over the sleeping man and turned to
leave.  Just as the young man reached the doorway,
Qui-Gon stirred.

“Obi-Wan?”  The muffled voice sounded very small within
the large expanse of Qui-Gon’s room.

“Yes, Master” he whispered as he turned back to look at
Qui-Gon, who was sprawled on his oversized bed in the
same position Obi-Wan had left him.

“Please, stay with me tonight” Qui-Gon requested, and
without thought of his own comfort, Obi-Wan crawled
beneath the covers and joined his master.  Obi-Wan
curled up against Qui-Gon’s side, throwing one arm
across his chest.  He took comfort in Qui-Gon’s slow,
steady breathing that assured him that he was fine, even
if the morning will bring his poor master agony.

Obi-Wan was awakened when a very large leg hit him
across the thighs.  His master had rolled over (again).
Slightly annoyed, Obi-Wan pushed away Qui-Gon’s leg.  He
blushed slightly when he realized that during the night,
Qui-Gon had removed his leggings.  ‘A naked Jedi Master
is the last thing I want to deal with this morning’ he
thought to himself as he moved away from Qui-Gon.  Even
though the man was deeply asleep, he somehow missed
Obi-Wan’s presence, and grumbled.  A large arm ruffled
the sheets next to him.  Obi-Wan sighed and came closer
so his master could sense his presence.  Once again, he
found himself pinned underneath Qui-Gon.

“Master, I assure you I am not a pillow!  Please get off
of me!”  Obi-Wan snapped and gave up on sleeping as he
pushed Qui-Gon away.

“Sorry, Obi-Wan”  Qui-Gon’s voice could barely be heard
because his face was against the pillow.

“It’s all right”  Obi-Wan muttered under his breath as
he stood up and staggered sleepily out of the room to
make some breakfast.

Qui-Gon considered going back to sleep until he realized
how badly his head pounded.  His ears were ringing, and
since when did he eat garbage that his mouth tasted like
it?  His eyes flared into pinpoints of pain when he
opened them.  Groaning loudly, Qui-Gon shut his eyes,
but he could tell that it was late morning from all the
sunlight pouring into his room.  The party may have been
fun, but was it too much to ask not to suffer?  Memories
of last night pervaded his mind,...Mace’s birthday
party.  Adi Gallia sitting on his lap, feeding him red
candies.  Mace’s endless supply of Corellian Spice
Rum...and very little else after drinking several
glasses of the latter.  His young apprentice, thank the
force, had taken him home, where he ended up in bed with
him.  Wait...that’s when he realized his lack of
clothing.  Pieces of what might have happened during the
previous evening floated through his tortured, barely
working mind.

Uttering a curse that would make a Hutt blush, Qui-Gon
buried his head deeper within the pillow.  ‘The council
will have my balls hanging from their gleaming tower if
they found out!’  He thought to himself, whimpering as
the headache got progressively worse.  With timing that
would have impressed Qui-Gon if he wasn’t in horrible
pain, Obi-Wan came walking into the room, setting a
small tray down on his bedside table.  Without being
asked, Obi-Wan drew down the shades of his one small
window so only a soft, muted light filtered in.

“Master, are you awake” his young apprentice whispered,
and Qui-Gon smelled the fresh coffee that he had made.
Obi-Wan chuckled at the loud groan that issued from his
master.  He had sense the older man’s alarm, and the
reason for it just as he entered the room.  Though
Qui-Gon was sober, his shielding was miserable because
of his pounding head.  A quick, easy revenge made itself
clear to Obi-Wan as he helped his ailing master sit up.
Qui-Gon looked horrible, his features were drawn and
pale, his eyes were bloodshot.

“Think you can handle a little coffee and toasted bread,
Master?”

“Mmm, the coffee smells wonderful”  Qui-Gon stared at
Obi-Wan as he took one of the mugs and gave it to him.
After a few sips, he was feeling better.  Obi-Wan sat on
the edge of the bed and drank slowly from his own mug.
The young man’s eyes never left Qui-Gon’s face, and that
was beginning to worry him.

“Obi-Wan?”

“Yes, Master?”  The young man’s handsome face lit up
with a smile.  Qui-Gon felt too awful to return it.

“Thank you for the coffee, Padawan”  he said, wondering
just how to breach the subject of how he ended up naked
in bed with his seventeen-year-old apprentice.  “I
wonder what makes you so kind to your hoary old Master”
he said, hoping for the usual “Nothing, Master, just
wanted to help.” answer, but the look in Obi-Wan’s face
told him already it wasn’t going to be that easy.
Obi-Wan smiled brilliantly and blushed as he ran a hand
through his sleep tussled auburn hair.

“Well, Master, it was the only way I could think of to
thank you for the best night of my life”  Obi-Wan
stated, then pursed his lips in a very sexy fashion.
Unfortunately for Qui-Gon, he had just taken a sip of
his coffee when the full meaning of what his apprentice
had said hit his poor, fevered brain.  Panic raced
through him, bringing back that hellish headache and it
caused him to choke.  ‘Force!  I knew it, I’m a dead
man!’  While sex with a padawan was not expressly
forbidden, sex with an underage padawan was another
story entirely.  A bad, scary,
expelled-from-the-Jedi-Order story.  He sputtered and
coughed and nearly hacked up a lung when the hot liquid
went down the wrong tube.  Obi-Wan went to his master’s
side and grasped the mug his master was holding, then
set it down on the table so it didn’t spill.  He began
patting his master’s back as he tried to help the older
man but then he started laughing.  When Qui-Gon
recovered from his coughing fit, he saw that his padawan
was lying on the floor laughing so hard that he was
clutching his stomach.  This was not exactly the
reaction he expected from his apprentice after last
night’s indiscretion.  The young man stopped for a
moment when he felt his master’s piercing glare on him,
but Qui-Gon’s face was so perplexed it made him laugh
all over again.

“Padawan?”

“Yes, Master? ::chuckle::”  Obi-Wan sat up and wiped the
tears of laughter from his eyes.

“I don’t see what is so funny here”  Qui-Gon practically
growled at him.

“I do” was the only answer he received.  He did his best
impression of an angered jedi master, but then his head
started to hurt so badly that he was only able to reach
up with a shaking hand and touch his forehead to make
certain that it truly hadn’t split open.

“Obi-Wan, this is not funny.”

“The look on your face when I said that, Master, oh it
was priceless!”  Obi-Wan said as he got up off of the
floor.  The huge grin on his face did little to assuage
Qui-Gon’s ill temper.
Before Qui-Gon could think of a retort to that
particular comment, Obi-Wan bent over his master, and
kissed him on the forehead lightly.

“Nothing happened, my dear Master”  he said with a
bright smile as he handed Qui-Gon back his coffee.

“What?”  Qui-Gon’s eyes blinked owlishly as his
apprentice sat down on the chair near his bed.  He
wished he could wipe that grin off of his apprentice’s
face, but Obi-Wan was clearly enjoying his discomfort.

“Master, I was joking.  Nothing happened between us last
night.”  Obi-Wan took a long drink from his coffee,
giving Qui-Gon time to process this information.

“Force, I’ve finally rubbed off on the boy” Qui-Gon
muttered so low that Obi-Wan could barely catch what he
had said.

“What was that, Master?”

“I think you’ve finally got a sense of humor, Padawan”
was Qui-Gon’s answer, and Obi-Wan snorted.
“Yes, and when you meet with Master Yoda in an hour,
we’ll see if the green troll also has a sense of humor”
said Obi-Wan with an evil grin.  Qui-Gon looked aghast,
his mouth was hanging open.

“Tell me I didn’t show up at Yoda’s door, Obi-Wan”

“I don’t have to, Master Yoda will!”  Obi-Wan finished
his coffee and turned to leave.  “I have to get ready
for my astrophysics class, I suggest that you prepare
for that meeting.”

“Yes, Padawan”  he grated out, his voice suddenly dry at
the thought of just how that meeting with Yoda was going
to be.  Obi-Wan left him to his ragged thoughts, still
wearing that triumphant grin.  ‘Extra saber practice,
extra meditation is the key to wiping that look off of
his face.’  Qui-Gon thought to himself as he settled
back onto the pillows.  He couldn’t help but be proud,
his padawan finally had a sense of humor.  Such a
serious, dedicated young man needed a good laugh now and
then.  Perhaps just meditation on the evils of teasing
his master.  Yes, that was a good idea.

End;)