The first and second hardest decision's I have ever had to make was how much should we do to keep Steven alive. He no longer had quality of life. Everyday he seemed to slip farther and farther away. He constantly looked like he was in pain and the episodes of apnea were coming more frequently. My husband and I talked about it to length between us, with the doctors who cared for him, with friends and family, and with Pastors. We decided to get a DNR (Do not resuscitate) Order through the hospital he was seen at. It was not a decision we made over night or with out careful consideration. As I said it was the second hardest decision I had ever had to make in my life. At the time it was the first, I will tell you about the hardest one in a minute. How could I give up on my child? How could I put him through anymore suffering? How could I live with my self, making a decision like this? How could I live with my self if I didn't? These were some of the questions I asked myself. I have to believe we did the right thing. We left it in Gods hands.

I told you earlier that I would tell you about the hardest decision I have ever had to make in a few minutes, well its time. After getting the DNR, one of Steven’s doctors told me that now I could also take him off the monitor. She told me that many parents decide to do that after getting a DNR. It’s actually part of that decision. To take it out of our hands and place it in Gods. I wrestled with this for a long time, not knowing if I could let go that much. If I could give away that power, to control the knowledge of when he was breathing and when he wasn't. If I didn't want him resuscitated, why did I want to know if he was breathing or not? It was hard. The hardest thing I ever had to do, but I knew that if I had him on the machine and I knew when he stopped breathing I would have to try to bring him back. I had done it too many times before. Its one thing to let the doctors stand by and not do anything, but to stand there myself, knowing how to resuscitate him, and not do it. Well I don't think I could have. For me it was better not to know. I don't know if this makes me a bad person or not. It is something I still struggle with to this day. It is the one thing I have not been able to give up to God. Maybe that is one way I can still hold onto Steven, I don't know.