A NEED TO CONFESS Dearest me, I realize I've been unfaithful to you as of late.  I dammed your soul to eternal hell for the width of your thighs. I've spoken untruths about not being good enough, about not being perfect enough. I've lied to you about your fate and I've squashed your hope. I've told you that you were unlovable and hatable. and I was wrong.  Forgive me for I just needed someone to blame.  I just needed something to help make sence out of these small messes that lay out in front of me.  If I blamed you and lied then I'd have control over things. There are somethings out of our realm of conrol.  Things that we just possibly cannot predict but find solutions to and build the strength to deal with.  I was wrong, forgive me.....I hope you find a way to love me again.

Once in a while, I smile, Warm wave of energy moving across my face and filling my inner cavity with peace. Once in a while I smile contagiously in the middle of the most unexpected times At moments when I know other people are watching and wondering what is making me grin Once in a while I smile and let out a brief laugh that thrills my ears and kisses my soul. Today, tomorrow, next week...another smile is expected....perhaps you'll catch it. ...I hope *smile*

I can't belive this twist of fate.  Bars on windows mirrors facing me from every direction.  I have bought sold, ruined, unplugged and trudged through past everything and I feel the wind...I feel the train moving unstoppable...in a direction of support.  I stand in wonderment...no I move in wonderment trying to keep up but i don't even need to try to keep up...because there wheels under my feet moving and marking and brining me to where I need to go...and its strange unplanned on my end anyway. Some how I'm okay with it all....I drop my mouth in awe and open my eyes wide with awarness of what is taking place.  I reach, I reach up high and grab opportunity with no need for grabbing because the fruit falls into my basket.  I accept I enjoy and I eat.

Simply aware that a change is occurring.

If there was some drug ....I'd take it. I'd take it until my eyes rolled back in my head and I fell to the ground. I'd take it until my eyes rolled back and my chin fell forward and the pain dissapeared If there was some drug that could pull me from this life and make me not exist I'd take take it. No energy can be distroyed no special pill can knock me out of exisitence completly.  So I lay riding and dying inside.....waiting it out.

There are days when I wish I didn't exist moments when i think about taking out my life...like rolling in front of a car.  Falling off a bridge...but I dont'...I stop...I breath and know that as shitty as I feel inside things will get better...and I convince myself to stand suspended in mid air in a moment of uncertainty in a moment of lost hope and FEAR OF a future.....and I force myself to live to breath to exist.