WHAT SCARES ME MOST I need to perge.  Stuck within me is this anxiety for living for loving forgiving, and I am sad that I haven't been able to be super human above myself to push forward.  and somewhere in this frontal force that is moving I forget the sound of the wind and focus on the trees hoping to not get dizzy and sick and I cry because I'm scared. I hope that in the following of the moon I am not leaving behind a trail of sickened people with lost hopes. I'm scared that I fuck everything up. I am scared that I did not leave everything perfect and in neat piles behind me. An impossible task...to leave having never left any marks that you were there yet I struggle over and over to clean and clear and make pretty that which I have touched. Leaving a mark means something to me only when it fits into my agenda of perfection yet I am far from it.  I make love with hate in my heart and dream of ripping men in two with my eyes. I walk through the world caring a vengeful anger all because of my refusal to let things be messy.  I ask myself what I run from, what I am scared what is this huge thing that would happen to me if things were just left unsettled.  Would I become unloved, would I die, and the answer to that of course is no.  I would leave an impression....a foot print of myself......my existence alone is what scares me.

I thought I had you predicted. AS I did the weather. I push...and you pull.... AWAY Thats the way it is suppose to be With every pushing you just hang on surfing my feet and I just shake my head with self-defeat wanting to peel away your fingers and wave goodbye I thought somewhere in my prediction I'd do you in make you stop and it would be over. Now I am finding myself with gripping fingers to your slippery skin and wonder if I should hold on.  Contemplating the loss of something and the loss of nothing. I am depedent on my minds condition. Are you a dream or reality.  When I speak and think of you sparks of reality splinter in my head but its all nothing. Its nothing of who you are accept glorified portions of love reflected back to myself. If I let go I'd be fine but yet I hold on hoping for a dream to become a potential nightmare. and this scares me that I dont' let go because I see reality but I dance in my dream

Triumphant blessing of rich golden me I ran to the very top pressing myself up against my knees Consider coming down Consider rolling or jumping from high above I press and hide in my fort I press and hide against the grass I press and hide into myself and I vow to not come out. not today not if it rains not if it snows not if the wind blows my hair around not if I get really sick not if I could die nothing.....I press, I press....I press

AFRAID OF THE DARK

Do you really see me standing in front of you? Don't answer that. Because you dont' I never really ever see me. I creep out from behind my curtain of self once in a great while. I see my hair and my hands my crinkled up smile and it makes me laugh. I'm not laughing so much at myself but mostly how I complain about the drugery of ever day existance. I complain about having to go to things I like. I comlain about parities, work, and people and mostly I just like the art of complaining. As much as I twist and turn and pout I love living....its what brings me the most anxiety.....in a love/hate thing I've got going on with myself. It challenges me and brings about hidden passion and strenghth yet I have no control over it ...at times and  I want to beat the beast down yet I can't. There is not much going on in my head other than planning attack plans for how I can beat this thing...this life. Some times...I just stop all the fighting. I spin around myself real fast and smell the ocean.....and feel the moment.....and  drink it in soaking and basking...and it feels so good. Othertimes I just sit bawling my eyes out screaming for it all to end. I even beg for it all to stop...and I dont think about the spinning and the ocean...and nothing can change my mind....until I take a deep breath work myself back up to living again. Its all so overwhemling this thing...this beast...this life.