| For a while I have been living as though half dead. Spending time escaping from everyone. the thought of even hanging otu with the best of my friends made me cringe...because I was afraid. Half way through my reality I realized I was wrong and I stopped I stood still for a moment and cried. The realization that I was in a process of coming back to life scared me. I thought I was in love but didn't understand my obesssion. Why not being with him made me cry. Why feeling I needed his total acceptance made me weak. I stopped and realized. I stopped and realized that he represented to me. A coming back to the world. That in trying to know myself and accept myself the i pulled away. I interacted with people but stayed disconnected. I was afraid of rejection afraid to let the people who have known me and loved me my whole life see who I am now. I stopped and I realized i was wrong. I stopped and realized that my paranoia was a the fear of exposure. Not realizing that I was already exposed because there is no hiding. So as I sat looking out at Boston Harbor all of this came together and I understood the changes that had been taking place and how unconsiously I had been grasping for emotional intimacy and connectedness. And although I found it in the most unlikely of places the net...I turned around saw everyone my friends, my family....that have been waiting for me to come back to them. My grandmother hugged me for a long time when I saw her. My friends smiled and were happy to see me...and my brother said he never felt closer. My parents sat and looked at me for a real long time and told me how beautiful I was. I"m thankful to have my foot back...into the living. |
| On the edge of laughter I sit on my peak marveling at the trail below. I can breath again having caught up with my feet. Months of tryin gto integreate and giving up with blinded fate I still pushed forward towards this moment. I'm no longer remembering how it feels to love my friends I'm doing it without thought. I'm present in my speech and they know it. I see it in their eyes I see it in their lips and we are happy. And when partin gcomes its of the sweetest sorry as if a piece of me feels sad at the disunion. Its an okay sadness that in the end makes me feel all together alive living part of the universe. To be me who I am wholly interconnected is Just Gorgeous. To know I can do it as I am now and share who I am at this moment is divine pleasure-and Jane opened up. |
| Sitting in a time a moment when everything comes together a destination known and moment show the light goes out as if traveling through darkness and windows with light show pieces-and internal trumoil and uncertainty, fear of the unknown rip me and tear at my heart until the brightest whitest light shows my destination without knowing it was coming up. And with perfect sense I was still cluelessl until its arrival. It came like a rebirth. Lots of crying and screaming until I calmed myself and looked around in amazement. I was here-counting my own fingers and toes-ALL PRESENT-ALL ACCOUNTED FOR. |
| I could tell you I love you with flowery wisps on my tongue, but I'd rather be clear. So I remain silent and stand next to you just close enough so you can feel the warmth of my body should you get cold, breath in my breath should you need air, grip my shoulders should you need balance and close enough to lay your head should you grow tired and weary. |
| You would have to think that a life all opened up-well its just got to go somewhere |
| Slimy yellow stinky flowers spent to much time in my living room. Stank and moldy-thrown out with the garbage Will they be missed? Those weeds....HUH! Hardly! |
| Not everything is predictable |
| Some pains must be endured. |
| Keep your destinations clear and...pray real hard. |
| Work through your past. |
| Release-Release-Release |
| Some people dismiss kindness-but no one every forgets forgiveness |
| LOVE, Is my nephew crawling into my lap in the morning and pushing his lips against my cheek while wrapping his small arms around my body. Its unquestionable,unconditional...without want-It just is. |