My Topic today is: The Alien Conpiracy
Okay. There has been a frightening trend lately involving aliens. You all know what I'm talking about. The little green or gray- big eyed-tiny mouthed- spooky-assed things that are plastered all over Creation thanks to the trend setters at Claire's Boutiques and AfterThoughts. People swear that they're out there, watching us. Brace yourself for a shock--....I agree with 'em. Oh, I have no desire to own a keychain with a bendy-bug-eyed alien, or a t- shirt (call it a hunch, but doesn't that seem more likely to piss off a superior race?). But I do think they're out there. Why, you're asking yourself (and if you aren't, please pretend that you are.)? The answer: Because. It makes sense, for the few members of this planet who still posess the ability to stop and think. We live in a perpetual cosmos. It doesn't end. Seems kinda stupid to rent the whole damn building to one tenent, don't it? Oh sure, according to the eternally baffled (i.e. those who think only their way can possibly be right. Don't laugh. You know who you are.) humans are some phenominal mistake (I'm sure the planet agrees and prays for a retro- active abortion.)but I think that's pushing it.
So I have a theory. I know aliens are out there. They just don't want ANYTHING TO DO WITH US. Can you blame them? Hmmm? We see ourselves as enlightened, and still persist in beating the shit outta one another. (I am a free upstanding person! Look! Someone in a black trench coat! KILL THEM!) We are like the Deep South of space (oopsie! Look! I did it too!). We are Louisiana. (I can say this.I lived there for three years. That I'll never get back.) You wanna know what all those U.F.O sightings are? Those are the cosmic equivalent of punk- ass teenagers joy riding in Daddy's B.M.W. They cruise by on a slow Saturday, just to flip us off 'cause they know we're gonna analize the hel outta it and attempt to find a "deep meaning" in it. Is it a form of communication? Are they trtying to tell us some thing?
Of course. They're telling us to fuck off. Seems simple to me. You want to know the real reason they shun us? Besides the intolerance and basic fear that we'll jump 'em, rape 'em technologically and then strap 'em to a table and cut 'em up? Cup holders. That's it. Yessir, sorry to shoot yer hopes down, but that's why we're ignored. We can't master the vehicular cup- holder. That's what happened in Roswell. A couple of bug- eyed, anarchistic high school equivalents were out cruisin', probably smoking the inter- galactic equal to a bowl, and they hit the Ozone, ready to flip the bird, and the space buggy lurches forward, and flings their cosmic Dr. Pepper onto the floor. The driver lunges for his space pop, and the next thing they know, they've done a a face plant in Area 54. Do you know where your children are tonight, mothers?
There. I'm done. But think about it! We must master the cup holder before we can be accepted! OH! And we need to quit transmitting shit into deep space. No one out there cares that we're out here! The only thing we're doing is forcing them to miss part of Star Wars (c'mon, you KNOW it's watched EVERYWHERE!!!!) as they duck down in their family rooms and pretend they're not home. We need to stop attempting to give them a pamphlet on who we are and what we do, because as time goes by, it's becoming glaringly obvious. What say we work on this, hmmmm?
