Part Six: Refuge
She found him on the top floor of the hotel, in a room that looked like it might fall apart at any moment. Wood showed through gaps in the plaster of the walls. The window was a gaping hole into the night. Standing there, he was a simple black silhouette against the city lights beyond.
He gave no impression that he was aware of Kathy’s presence, and it was a long while before she could bring herself to speak. She forced herself to step further into the room, finally stopping beside her brother with the window in between them. She looked out as well, and the unfamiliar city seemed cold and unwelcoming. “It truly has changed,” she said. Her voice was barely above a whisper.
There was a moment before he responded. “It has,” he agreed. “On the outside.”
She looked at him – really looked at him – at last. His gaze was locked on the city, its artificial glow making him seem even paler. There was an expression on his face that she had never seen...before he died.
“Ye’ve changed, too,” she said. “On the inside more, though.”
“Maybe,” he acknowledged, but his voice wasn’t certain.
“Ye used to talk more.”
Angel looked at her suddenly, startled by her flippant tone. His lip twitched as if he was tempted to smile. “I guess.”
Silence fell between them once again, and Kathy was instantly more serious. “I ‘ave been speaking with Cordelia. About ye. And about vampires.”
He looked at her expectantly.
“Ye truly died,” she said, and shivered slightly. This was this first time she’d actually admitted that. It was hard to do, looking him straight in the eye as she was. The dead were not meant to be walking around! “’Twas a demon, not me brother, that came home.”
“I...yes.”
She took a deep breath and forced herself to continue. “And now...ye ‘ave yer soul as well. Ye dinna then,” she said, getting the facts straight in her head.
Angel nodded.
“Then ye ‘ave changed,” she said certainly.
“Kathy,” Angel said unhappily, looking out the window.
“Aye?”
“It’s not that simple,” he said. “I may not be like I was...when I killed you. But I’m not human anymore, either.”
She gave him her most stubborn look. “And would ye kill me, ‘Angel’?”
There was no feigning the shock on his face. “No!” he said loudly, spinning to face her again.
She could not help but smile. “See? Ye ‘ave changed. Besides...” She grinned at him, lightening the mood. She reached up to touch his hair. “What ‘ave ye done to yer hair?”
Angel ducked back from her hand, amusement and embarrassment sneaking into his expression. “I like it,” he muttered.
Kathy couldn’t help but grin at him. “Are ye trying to impress someone?”
“No, I....” He abruptly realized Kathy was teasing him and broke into a grin. The expression was almost like she remembered from before he died. Still, there was something in his eyes that never used to be there before – deep sadness. “God, I’ve missed you,” he said.
“I missed ye, too,” Kathy said gently, “when ye were gone.”
They didn’t say anything for a moment. The room was silent. “Thank you,” Angel said after a while.
“For what?”
He shrugged. “For coming to talk to me,” he explained. “Why did you come up here?”
“I was looking for ye,” she replied simply.
“Yes, but...” he paused for a moment. “Why did you finally decide to talk to me?”
She thought about it for a second. She couldn’t just leave the silence between them. Not when the image of the monster faded in her mind to be replaced by the new, serious version of her brother. But it had taken Cordelia for her to really begin seeing that. “Cordelia,” she said at last.
“Cordelia?” He was obviously confused.
Kathy nodded. “She speaks very highly of ye.”
“She does?”
“That surprises ye?”
Angel looked uncomfortable. “We had quite a hard time not that long ago.” He paused, then corrected himself. “I had a hard time. They just...were there.”
Kathy looked at him, not understanding but knowing it was going to be left unexplained. “Well,” she said after a moment, “she said ye’ve saved her life.”
Angel nodded. “Yeah, well...she’s pretty special. And I couldn’t not....”
Kathy was surprised by something in his tone. “Liam,” she asked. “do ye like her?”
He grinned. “Not like that,” he said, chuckling slightly. “She’s more like....” His smile slipped. “Like a sister.”
“Oh.” Kathy just gave him a little, reassuring smile. He met it a bit hesitantly.
She looked out at the city once again. It was pretty, but strange. And definitely, definitely not home. It made her feel even more out of place. But at least she wasn’t alone now. “’Tis a good place to scream,” she said softly.
“What?”
“Donna’ say ye’ve forgotten,” she said sadly. “When ye and Father would argue, and sometimes afterwards we would go to the shore together....”
“I...I remember,” he said a bit haltingly.
Kathy gave him a small smile. “Will ye scream with me?” she asked, holding out her hand to him.
He gave a short, forced laugh. “Cordelia and Wesley are downstairs,” he started. “They’ll think....”
“They ‘ave already gone home,” Kathy said.
“Kathy, I....”
She looked at him oddly. “Ye’re so serious. A scream might be good. Let out yer emotions....”
“Bad things can happen when I let out my emotions.”
Kathy wasn’t about to give up. Still she held out her hand to him. “Then at least stand with me while I scream?”
He chuckled and took her hand. His hand felt cold and strange in hers, but she didn’t show it.
“Well?” he asked after a moment.
She thought about it for a second. “’Tis no fun to scream when no one will join me,” she teased. Still, Angel was clearly not going to join in. “Why did ye come up ‘ere?” she asked. “’Tis depressing.”
He sighed. “It was that woman,” he began.
“Ye saved her life,” Kathy stated, a bit awed. She never would have expected her brother to be going out and saving people every night.
“She didn’t want to be saved,” he replied, upset.
Kathy looked at him oddly. There was something else that he just wasn’t saying. “Has that happened before?”
He nodded. “Occasionally. I can never understand it, though. How anyone can just throw their life away....”
“Ye’re jealous of her!” Kathy said abruptly.
“I...yeah, I guess so.”
“But why?” Kathy said, totally confused. “She was dying! And ye...ye get to live forever.”
“No, no,” he replied dismayed, shaking his head. “She’s alive.”
Kathy still didn’t understand.
“I am dead, Kathy,” he explained, and held up their clasped hands between them. “Does this feel alive to you?” he asked.
Kathy did not answer, but asked a question of her own. “Ye want to live?” she asked. “Ye want to die?”
Angel nodded. “Eventually,” he said. “But I can’t do that and...save lives.” He abruptly shifted the topic of discussion. “What about you? Why did you want to scream?”
Kathy looked out the window again. “Ye changed the subject.”
“I know.”
She gave him a sad smile. “I miss home,” she said. “I miss Mother and Father...and Anna and everything. Ye’re the only thing I know here.” A tear tracked down her cheek.
“Ssh,” he whispered softly, pulling her close. It was the first time that he’s held her since she’d come here, and she found her tears freely flowing. “It’s okay,” he whispered. Her tears slowed after a moment. “Will you talk to me again?” he asked at last. “Will you let me help you?”
She sniffled and then chuckled sadly. “Aye,” she agreed.
She was actually looking forward to it.
On to Part Seven
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