Part Three
Neither of us spoke on the walk from the dorm to Giles’ house. There was just too much between us. If either of us had said something it surely would have led to words we would regret. So we said nothing.
The tension between us was a tangible thing. We were together in space, yes, but it was as if there was a wall between us. For once I had no idea what Buffy was thinking or how she was feeling. What she was going through right then was something I could never comprehend. It was almost a relief when we reached Giles’ door.
He took a while to answer his door, and when he did his face was set in a scowl surely set to remind us of the lateness of the hour. His expression changed, though, when he saw who his visitors were. He looked back and forth between Buffy and myself then ushered us in without a word.
For a seemingly endless moment the three of us stood in silence in the living room. Then Giles got to the root of the matter. “Is there a problem?”
Buffy sat, and Giles and I took our cue as well. “Sort of,” she replied. “I’m afraid I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
Giles’ gaze took on a scolding look. “I know,” he said quietly. “What about in particular?”
“When I wouldn’t tell you who the father is,” Buffy acknowledged. “It was because I didn’t know. The last person I remember sleeping with was two months before the doctor says…” Her voice trailed off.
Giles’ eyes widened. “Why didn’t you say something?” he demanded.
“Because I was afraid!” Buffy cried. “I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do, and you would have convinced me that I’m giving birth to some freaky thing of the Hellmouth! Or everyone would have assumed that I’m lying. Which I’m not! Either one!”
“How can you be sure?” Giles asked in concern.
That was the cue for me to explain everything again. I told Giles the barest facts. Somehow I managed to keep all emotion from my voice. It was as if I was telling a story about someone else. About halfway through my explanation Giles stood up. Gesturing to me to continue he began to gather any book remotely related to the subject at hand; Mohra demons, the Oracles, the End of Days…
When the tale was at its end, Giles sat down and regarded the both of us seriously. He took his glasses off, rubbed the bridge of his nose, put them back on and sighed. “This does not make sense,” he said, and I felt my heart sink. I guess I was really hoping Buffy’s child was mine. I had dreamed about having children with her, but it was always an impossible dream. Her child would also be a permanent reminder that perfect day had happened and was not just in my mind.
“Unless…” Giles continued.
“What? Unless what?” Buffy asked, leaning forward eagerly.
Giles looked at me. “You said the Oracles called this a ‘temporal fold,’ correct?”
I nodded slightly.
“A true temporal fold,” Giles explained, flipping through one of the books, “completely erases any elapsed time. All persons and events involved are started over from that point. There should be no physical effects,” he looked at Buffy, “but there is also no recollection,” he looked at me.
“But Angel remembers,” Buffy pointed out.
Giles nodded. “Exactly. Now, this is all theory, mind, but perhaps this was not a…complete temporal fold. In having Angel remember, the Oracles, intentionally or otherwise, may have left an opening for certain physical effects to remain.”
“Namely, me being pregnant,” Buffy said.
“It’s just a theory, mind.”
Buffy shook her head. “No, it’s right. I already know that Angel’s the father. I can’t explain it, but ever since I woke up this morning I’ve known.” She stood up then and gave Giles a hug. “Thank you,” she said softly.
Giles looked surprised. “You’re welcome.” He looked back and forth between Buffy and myself. “Are you going to be okay?” he asked.
Buffy looked at me and I knew she was thinking some of the same things. Where did this leave the two of us?”
“We’ll figure that out later,” was
all she said.
It was like the difference between
night and day, the way Angel’s attitude contrasted to everyone else’s.
I had never felt such support as I did from him. It was given without question
and without expectations. Every night when the sun went down he was by
my side, listening to me speak about anything and everything that was on
my mind.
It didn’t feel like anyone else was listening to me anymore. Ever since things had fallen apart between me and Riley I’d completely fallen out of touch with anything having to do with the Initiative. My mother couldn’t talk to me without lecturing, so I’d started avoiding her. Willow tried to be an open-minded friend, but I knew she thought I’d made…was making…a huge mistake. Xander spent all his time with Anya, so I hardly saw him anymore. Maybe it was my own insecurities about my pregnancy talking, but I felt like everyone was closing themselves off from me. Even Giles. Now that I wasn’t patrolling I hardly saw him anymore, either.
Angel had taken up patrolling for me. Though he was the only one who stayed close to me the whole time, there was a different sort of distance between us. Since we couldn’t be close like we wanted to be, the relationship between us seemed almost…professional. It was like I…taking up patrolling, my child…was just another responsibility, a job to be undertaken. I hated every minute of it.
Oh, I know that wasn’t how Angel thought of me. I knew he loved me and he loved our child. The long nights he spent listening to me talk were proof enough of that. Still, there was the forced emotional distance that, coupled with my own insecurities, was making me doubt every decision I’d made in those weeks since I’d learned I was pregnant.
Angel and I were sitting in the mansion the night all of these thoughts came together in my head. He knew there was a lot on my mind so he said nothing, simply sat next to me and waited for me to speak. There was a clear, foot-wide space between us. We hadn’t so much as touched hands since the night he told me about my visit to L.A. It was too dangerous for the both of us. He simply watched me as I searched for words.
The words that came finally were simple, but weighted with meaning. There was so much between us in those four words.
“I want to remember.”
When I lay me down at night
Knowing we must pay
Thoughts occur that this night
might
Stay yesterday
On to Part Four