No one should know what it feels like to die. I don’t mean the pain of violent death – I know that, too. Death by vampire is hardly pleasant. No, I mean the simple feeling of death itself, that moment’s difference between being alive and being dead. To feel your heart no longer beating, the breath no longer moving in your lungs between one moment and the next…. No, I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. I wish I’d never known it myself.
As the dream faded, I waited for that living death to come again. In that fuzzy state between sleep and wakefulness I mourned the end of the dream. I wished that I had never said yes to the spell…and I was glad that I had gotten the chance to glimpse that perfection again. What was worse was the waiting for the end to come afterwards. The stillness…
The dream faded, and death still did not come. I could feel the bed beneath my back, the warmth of Buffy’s hand in my own…and the phantom aches of demon-inflicted injuries, the breath in my lungs… Where did the dream end and the reality begin?
“Angel?” Buffy whispered sleepily, her voice choked with recently shed tears. She sounded confused, probably wondering why I had not opened my eyes. Wondering why I had not comforted her or sought comfort from her. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the dream was over…long over.
My eyes shot open and I was greeted by Buffy’s tear streaked face. I felt the dampness on my own cheeks and knew I’d shed tears as well. My tears did not distract me from the heartbeat that sounded in my ears. It was my own, and it was fast with rising panic.
I sat up quickly and Buffy’s eyes followed me in confusion. “Angel?” she asked again, louder and bewildered.
“Give me a second,” I said, my voice sounding unintentionally harsh. I breathed deeply in an attempt to calm myself.
Buffy gasped in surprise. She grasped at the hand she still held, clumsily feeling for my pulse and I let her. Not that I could have stopped her… Her eyes went wide and locked with mine. “Giles!” she called loudly.
I barely heard the hurried footsteps over my racing thoughts. Well, not quite thoughts, for nothing was really coherent. Pure emotion – it was overwhelming. And sensation. The difference between being a vampire and human struck me hard. For a moment it was all too much. Just as Giles opened the bedroom door I pulled my hand from Buffy’s and stood. Before she could pull me back I had bolted from the room, shouldering past a very confused Giles and Willow in the doorway.
There were some things I didn’t want
to face at the moment.
“What in the world was that about?”
Giles asked as he stared in bewilderment.
Willow appeared in the doorway behind him. “Was that just Angel who bolted down the stairs?” she asked oddly. “What’s going on?”
I was in shock; that was the only way to describe it. My hand was still outstretched from trying to stop Angel from leaving. I was disoriented from the dream. It had been more than just a dream; I knew that as soon as I woke up. And I remembered – every moment, every touch, and every tear that now dried on my cheeks. I had felt Angel’s heartbeat.
I felt Angel’s heartbeat. “Oh God,” I said softly, staring out the open door.
“Buffy,” Giles said urgently, “what just happened?”
I shook my head, bringing myself to reality and trying to come out of my daze. I was still trying to sort out my new memories…and what had just happened. I swallowed hard. “That spell you found,” I managed to say.
“Yes? What about it?”
I gathered my thoughts and looked Giles in the eye. “I think it took ‘reliving’ memories a bit too literally.”
His eyes went wide. “You mean…?”
I nodded. “The Angel who jut ran past you was the human version – pulse, breath, massive insecurities and all.” I put my head in my hands, overwhelmed. “Oh God,” I muttered again.
Then Willow was sitting next to me, her arm across my shoulders. “Are you okay?” she asked softly.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “These memories…Angel was right. It’s hard to deal with. I remember everything.” I sighed, seeing in my mind our last moments in L.A. “I don’t know whether to love him or hate him for this, Will. He turned back time. He took away what I most wanted in the world for us and he took it away because he thought it was best for me. Twice! First when he broke up with me…and now this!” I shook my head angrily.
The anger faded quickly though as I remembered the look in Angel’s eye only moments ago. He seemed…lost. I had no clue what he was going through. “What do we do now? I may not like what he did, but I understand his reasons. Oh God. What do I say to him now?”
And a horrible thought that wouldn’t go away. What if he’d run out because he didn’t want to talk to me? What if he closed me out? So I sat in Giles’ bedroom, at a complete loss for what to say or do.
One more day when time is running
out
For everyone
Like a breath I knew would come
I reach for the new day
On to Part Six