Though the theater was never silent, people coming and going at all hours, in the early morning it was as quiet as it ever got. If Buffy listened carefully, she could hear a couple of people still wandering the old halls and empty stage. Her concern wasn't out there with the wakeful visitors, however. Her concern was here, with Angel. She gazed at him gently, lying beside her in the bed. Though they normally would both be asleep by now, he was still wide-awake, and so she lay awake with him.
He was not relaxed. Uneasy and uncomfortable, he lay there in awkward silence. He was calmer than before, out there on the streets, but he was not calm.
The silence grew painful as it continued. Buffy simply could not leave the moment as it was. "Angel?"
He said nothing as she rolled to face him, his eyes locked on the ceiling. When her hand gently brushed his arm, however, he jumped as if she'd pinched him. His eyes when he looked at her were wide and startled.
"Sorry," Buffy muttered.
"It's okay," Angel replied just as softly, his tone distracted as he lay back again.
Buffy frowned. She wasn't used to these sorts of awkward moments anymore. She had absolutely no desire to get used to them again. "Are you okay?"
Angel gave a bitter half laugh. "Not really."
"Well, it was a stupid question," Buffy agreed. "It's obvious that you're not."
He said nothing in response, his expression dark and pensive.
She leaned a little closer to him, resting her hand on his shoulder. "Please," she said gently, "talk to me."
Angel sighed. "What do you want me to say, Buffy?"
"I want you to tell me what you're thinking," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Buffy..." he protested wearily.
"Nuh uh," she interjected. "You can't keep things to yourself like this. I won't let you close yourself off again."
"I'm not going to-"
Buffy shot him an affectionate glare.
At last he looked at her, his expression weary. "I...I don't know how to explain," he said.
Buffy said nothing, just looked at him patiently and waited for him to truly begin.
He swallowed hard. "You know I would never...act like that," he said.
She shared his pain as best she could as she recalled his startling ferocity only a couple of hours earlier. "I know," she said gently.
He continued as if she hadn't spoken. "But there...it was like I could do nothing else. Everything...every emotion and instinct I try to suppress, that I live with every day...was just screaming to be let out. And I listened."
"But you didn't...do anything," Buffy reminded him.
"But I could have! I wanted to."
"But nothing!" Buffy found herself snapping right back. Angel flinched. She sighed. "You knew it was wrong," she said, calmer. "You came back to yourself."
"Doesn't matter," Angel muttered.
"It does matter! Angel, you're here, with people who need you, who love you. I love you. You know that, right?"
Angel smiled at her very slightly, obviously despite himself. "I know."
Buffy smiled back at him. "And you know what I know? I know you would never turn your back on that. Whatever that place touched in you, it doesn't control you."
Angel sighed again. With one hand - smooth and human looking once again - he caressed her shoulder. "But it's still there, Buffy. I can still feel that...power...inside of me. Everything is sharper, clearer. It...it scares me. I can hear it, still calling. It's..." His voice trailed off, his expression closed and uncertain.
"Seductive?" Buffy suggested.
"Yes," he whispered back.
Buffy curled up closer to him, trying to take comfort in his presence and comfort him at the same time. "I know you, Angel," she began to say.
He blinked at her, slightly confused. "Yes," he agreed.
"And I know that you never take the easy way about anything. You don't trust anything easy. So you'll resist this power, this darkness, just because it's harder to do."
Angel could not help but chuckle slightly. "You really think that about me?"
"Oh, come on," Buffy retorted. "When did you ever do anything the easy way?"
Buffy could feel him relax slightly. "Thanks," he said, sounding slightly amused.
"Any time," she smiled back.
"Though that does have to be the oddest encouragement I have ever received."
It was Buffy's turn to laugh. "Well, you know. I do my best."
Angel slipped out into the quiet theater well after Buffy had fallen asleep. As good a conversation as they had, and as much as they had made their lives together for the last several months, Angel still needed time alone on occasion to work out whatever was troubling him. Or, as Buffy would be sure to point out, to brood.
He didn't really know how to explain to her what was going on in his mind. How to explain that he felt oddly like he'd lost something? Especially when he didn't know what that something was.
The darkness, the evil...whatever it was, it spoke to the demon inside of him. It brought out parts of himself that he'd sought to ignore or repress since his soul was restored. But he couldn't ignore that part of himself, nor could he encourage it. It frightened him, but it was a part of him. No matter how many times he tried to find a balance in himself, he still balked at going all the way. He was both monster and man. He would never let the monster take over.
"Couldn't sleep, dear?"
Angel glanced, startled, at the old woman who had appeared beside him. He must have been really distracted if he had not heard her approach. It took him a moment to recognize her in the different setting. "Regina," he greeted the elder psychic in surprise. "I didn't know you were here."
She waved dismissively. "The young ones dragged me along."
Angel nodded. He knew the feeling.
"You didn't answer my question."
"Hmm?"
She smiled gently, tucking back a strand of gray hair that had fallen loose from her bun. "Are you having trouble sleeping? You're not alone, you know."
"You?" Angel asked.
She nodded. "There's a darkness in the air. It's...stealing sleep from all of us." Her face took on an even more serious expression as she gazed up at Angel. "Come," she said with a self-depreciating smile, "have a seat with an old woman."
Angel silently helped her into one of the theater's cushioned seats. With a sigh she released his arm and sat, gesturing for Angel to take the seat beside her.
"You don't want to talk about it, do you?" Regina asked after a moment.
"Not really," Angel agreed.
"I understand," she said kindly. "I would not talk about it either, if I had a choice. But I don't have a choice but to deal with it. And neither do you, like it or not."
He turned towards her, defensive. "How can you...?"
She waved off his objection. "The psychics are scared. The humans and demons are scared. You are scared, but you're the one everyone is looking to. They've made you the leader, so you need to face your demons - personal or otherwise - and lead."
"I didn't ask for this," Angel protested softly.
She pat his arm in understanding. "Great leaders never do."
"They shouldn't look up to me," he continued. "I'm..."
"What? You're a fighter. They see that."
Angel stifled a sigh and said nothing, hanging his head with fatigue.
"You've already seen the darkness," she said after a moment. "You're ahead of everyone because you know what to expect. And...I find it encouraging that you fear it."
There was something in her voice that made Angel look up. "What do you mean?"
Her expression was pensive. "This darkness," she began, "some of us have seen it. Some see it as a breaking down of the walls between worlds - between good and evil. Others see it as a steadily growing force. What we all agree on, though, is that it is not meant to be. Whatever it is, it is throwing off the balance of good and evil in the world. And for beings like you, beings existing in that balance...it's effects could be devastating."
Angel suddenly realized what she was getting at. "Spike."
Regina nodded. "Your childe. Yes. He has potential for good, but he fears it like you fear your potential for evil. I fear he may turn to the evil even as you flee from it."
"I'll talk to him," Angel said darkly.
"That may not be enough."
"It rarely is," he agreed.
She was quiet for another moment. "But you do fear it," she said at last.
"Yes."
"And crave it."
Angel shuddered. "And fear that."
Regina gave him a small, reassuring smile. "You'll fight it," she said, "because that's what you do. And every time you fight it, the good in you will become stronger. Closer to human, in a way."
Surprising himself, Angel felt himself smiling as he relaxed under her reassurance. "You know, Buffy said almost the same thing."
"Well, she's a very perceptive young woman," the psychic said.
As his inner turmoil faded away, Angel looked calmly at the old woman. "Thank you."
She chuckled and lightly pat his arm. "They don't call me Grandma Regina for nothing," she said with a grin.
Angel had to smile back. He could do this. He could resist this.
"You'll fight it," Regina said again. "And when you do, the humans, the demons, the psychics...we'll fight right next to you. Remember that when the time comes."
The scene Buffy found when she awoke was just about the last thing she expected. In fact, it was what had managed to wake her up, well before she had seen what was actually going on. She'd heard clashes of equipment and raised voices. Finding herself alone in the bed, she had finally risen to investigate.
What she found was chaos.
Richard, Daneela, Tamika, and various others Buffy had not taken the time to get to know personally were gathered together on one side of the stage. Those that were not yet armed were being helped by those that were. They were all picking out the best weapons and seemed ready to storm out the door at any minute.
Also on the stage, the old psychic woman was ready for action in her own way, a large portion of the magic users and such gathered behind her. Though unarmed, they too were obviously gearing up for battle, caught for the moment in a staring contest across the stage.
And there, caught in the middle, looking frustrated and beleaguered, was Hasna...and Angel.
And oh, the yelling.
"You can't just go storming in there, crosses in hand!" came from one side. "You'll be slaughtered within a minute!"
"And how is your way any better?!"
"We'll kill the demons!"
"Yeah, and leave their power unchecked for the next demon who comes along."
"They wouldn't dare..."
"It doesn't matter! This is a force in and of itself! You can't fight that."
This had obviously been going on for a while. Long enough to have become completely unproductive, at least. Buffy nodded to herself, prepared for conflict, strode towards the fray...
"Enough!"
Buffy froze, and so did everyone else. The voice - Angel's - had just a touch of the inhuman to it as he yelled for attention. And attention he got, everyone caught in his golden eyes. As the room fell to silence, he looked over the two groups sternly, then his face shifted to a more human form. Buffy was so startled by his transformation - she hadn't realized how nearly human his appearance had become - that she almost missed what he said next.
"This is ridiculous," he began.
"No, it's-" someone else said, and Angel glared at the offender.
"Do you mind?" he snapped.
Silence.
"If this is your idea of working together, if this is your idea of his to survive, then I'll have nothing to do with it. Are you actively seeking death?"
Though there were some grumbles among the crowd, no one had the nerve to reply to Angel, and so he continued.
"You," he said to the first group, "are ignoring what's really going on. You're dealing with the symptoms and not the cause! You could fight demons from now to eternity and they would overwhelm you.
"And you," to the second group this time, "would face unbelievable forces without any clue as to the danger. It's suicide, all of it."
An awkward silence followed his statement.
It was Hasna who finally had the guts to speak up. "Then what do you suggest? We can't just stand aside."
"Of course not," Angel agreed. He paced slightly between the two groups, looking them over like a battle commander with a new set of troops. "We stop bickering and work together. We have different strengths. Use them."
Buffy could see people and demons beginning to nod along now.
Angel focused on the magic users for a moment. "We need to get rid of this...force. Close it off, bind it...stop it. Do you have a way to do that?"
"We have a theory," Regina replied.
"Work on it," Angel said. "And we will all," he gestured to the fighters, "be here to support you once you have that. We will all fight together!"
Sounds of agreement rippled through the crowd. And all turned to Angel for further direction. For the first time, he was really part of the group - and he had actively put himself there.
Hanging back, Buffy just smiled.
The voices in my head get
cranky when I don't get feedback.
Back
to Cynamin's Fan Fiction