“You mean we’ve never done this before?”
Buffy grinned at Angel’s befuddled question. “Nope, never.”
Angel took a second to think about that. “We were involved, as you say, on and off for three years and we never went to dinner and a movie together?”
“Movie, yes,” she replied, taking another bite of her meal. “Out to dinner, no.”
After a second, Angel spoke again. “Why?” he asked simply. When Buffy did not immediately respond, he added, “Or is that one of those questions you can’t answer?”
Buffy ate slowly to give herself time to think of an appropriate answer. “There are…some parts of the reason we never went out to dinner together that I can’t explain,” she said. “I can say that we were never conventional date sort of people.”
Angel stopped eating abruptly and looked at her. “Is that what this is, then? A date?”
Her food stuck in her throat. “Angel, I…”
He waved it off. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He broke their gaze and wiped his hands on his napkin in a nervous gesture.
Buffy felt awful. Giving Angel her best reassuring smile she said, “I’ve had a great time tonight so far.”
Angel’s return smile was half-hearted at best. “So have I,” he replied.
That just made Buffy feel worse. Ever since their trip to the beach, their ‘let’s get together and have a good time’ outings had been getting more and more date-like. Buffy just couldn’t bring herself to think of them that way, though. It was not that she didn’t love Angel; part of her always did. The more time she spent around Angel, amnesia or no, the stronger her feelings for him got.
He’d changed slightly with the loss of memory. For one thing, his general mood seemed lighter. He hadn’t lost his ability to brood, but it didn’t have the weight of centuries behind it anymore. He also was frequently uncertain, and carried with him a charming sort of innocence.
Yes, she loved him more every day. And though he said nothing, she knew he loved her, too. He was terrible at hiding his feelings; something else that had changed.
And that terrified her, seeing that he loved her so clearly. Because she didn’t deserve it, not anymore. She was terrified with Angel’s memories looming on the horizon that he’d remember her role in his death and hate her for it. Not only that, but that he’d hate her for being with him through the summer months when he’d rather never see her again.
So she did her best to keep her distance. Not her physical distance, of course, since he needed her there, but her emotional distance. Yet every time she pulled away, she saw the hurt clearly in Angel’s expression. That just made her feel terrible.
There was no good solution to this situation.
The rest of the meal was shared in relative silence, and the couple of bites Buffy managed to force down were heavy in her stomach.
Angel insisted on paying the check, unintentionally increasing the date-like atmosphere of the evening. There was nothing that could be done about it, though, as Buffy had very little money. He may not have been able to do much work in the last two months, but Angel was still the one with a job.
Buffy did not look at Angel as they exited the restaurant. With any luck she could get away with not saying anything all the way through the movie. This was not the way she’d planned for this evening to go. She stared down at her feet as they walked.
“Buffy, I’m sorry,” Angel began, trying to draw her attention.
Buffy just nodded to herself. “I know,” she mumbled.
“I really shouldn’t have said anything,” Angel said, only half to her. “I just…it’s…”
They were too distracted
by each other and their feelings to have any inkling of the attack before
it came. One moment Buffy was looking at the pavement in between
her feet, and the next moment she was tasting it. A moment later
she felt a sharp pain at the back of her skull, and then….
There was nothing wrong with his vision. He was simply trapped in total darkness the likes of which he had never seen. Even as his eyes adjusted he could see nothing. He could feel, though. He could feel that the floor beneath him was concrete. He could feel that the weight against his side was alive. “Buffy?” he queried, his voice very loud in the darkness.
She shifted against him with a moan as she stirred. “Angel?” she whispered.
“Right here,” he whispered back, giving her a gentle squeeze around her shoulders. Right now he needed to be reassured of her presence just as much as she needed his.
She relaxed against him. “Did you get the name of that truck?” she muttered.
If it had been under less dire circumstances, he might have laughed. As it was, he turned towards Buffy in concern even though he could not see her. “Are you alright?”
“I will be,” came Buffy’s reply. “I wish they hadn’t hit me so hard, though.”
Angel was amazed at her light tone. “Who were they?” he asked.
Angel could feel Buffy’s shrug in response. “This is your town,” he explained. “You have a better chance at knowing them than I do.”
“In other words, no chance at all,” Angel muttered.
Buffy pulled away from him slightly. “Now is not the time for brooding,” she scolded him. “Cheer up!”
“Cheer up?” Angel asked in shock. “We’ve been abducted off the street and locked up who-knows-where and you want me to cheer up?!”
“What else can you do?” Buffy replied simply. “I’ve been in bad situations before. So have you. Brooding about them never did any good.”
Angel leaned back against the cold stone. “I’ve been in bad situations before? Situations like this?”
Buffy was silent for a long moment. “Exactly like this? I’m not sure. But some pretty bad situations. Some very bad situations.”
“Captured and imprisoned?” Angel asked after a moment, completely shocked at the idea.
Buffy paused again. “Yes,” she said reluctantly.
Angel shivered. Captured, cold, afraid…he’d been in situations like this before? It felt so alien to him. “What aren’t you telling me?” he whispered.
“Angel, I can’t…” Buffy began helplessly.
“Don’t say that!” Angel suddenly yelled in frustration. “You keep telling me that there are things you can’t tell me, and I thought I understood that. But, Buffy, I can’t take these partial explanations and half-truths anymore! You tell me I’m wanted by the police for helping a murderer. You tell me that I’ve made enemies. You tell me that one of them – a police officer, no less – wanted me captured and now thinks I’m dead. You tell me that I’ve ‘been in bad situations before.’” He paused to catch his breath. “It’s like a puzzle missing too many pieces to make out any sort of picture. I’m missing something, and since my memory doesn’t seem to be forthcoming, I’m assuming you know exactly what’s going on. Considering the situation, I think you need to tell me.”
For a very long time Buffy said nothing at all. “Angel,” she said wearily, “this isn’t something I can just tell. It’s too hard for me, and I’m afraid…”
“Afraid?” Angel asked sharply. “Don’t you think I’m afraid? And not just now, with being captured. I mean every day. I’m afraid because I wake up every day and I don’t know. I don’t know! Everything in my life is a complete blank. I can’t see a future for myself, because I don’t have a past! So what are you possibly afraid of?”
“I’m afraid you’ll hate me!” Buffy cried in response.
Angel was completely shocked. “Buffy, what…”
She swallowed so hard Angel could hear it. “You would. I know you would! So yes, Angel, I’m afraid. I’m afraid you’ll remember and you’ll hate me.”
“I could never hate you,” Angel said thickly, the words sticking in his throat.
“You could,” Buffy said softly. “If you remembered everything I’ve done to you, you could hate me.”
“Buffy,” Angel said certainly, “you have helped me far more than I ever expected. Without you, I would still be cowering in my basement apartment, probably barely speaking. Now, not to say that this situation is a great improvement…” That earned a faint chuckle from Buffy. “It would have been far worse without you here.”
“That’s why you’ll hate me,” Buffy whispered. “You’ll hate me because if you knew what I know, you wouldn’t want me here. I shouldn’t be here.”
“Then why are you here?” Angel asked earnestly. He felt her withdrawing from his side and reached for her blindly. “Please, Buffy! If you think I’d hate you so much, why are you here?”
“Because I love you,” Buffy whispered in the darkness.
Angel was certain he hadn’t heard her right. “What?”
“I love you, okay!” Buffy yelled suddenly. Then she breathed in harshly. “Oh…” she whispered.
Angel felt the breath rush from his lungs. “I love you,” he heard himself whisper back.
He heard a sob catch in Buffy’s throat. “Angel, please…”
“Buffy…” He caught her arm blindly. His mind was swimming. “Please, don’t…”
She pulled her arm away. “Don’t do this to me!” she cried. “You don’t know what you’re saying! You don’t know…”
“But I do know,” Angel said calmly back. “I do know. I love you. I always have and I always will.”
Buffy sobbed. “You know that?” she whispered hopefully. The she sobbed again. “You couldn’t know.”
Angel’s head felt all fuzzy, but one thing was clear. “I know,” he said with certainty. “I love you, too.”
Suddenly Angel felt her weight against him as she flung herself against his side. “I love you,” she cried. “I never stopped. I didn’t mean what I said.” He held her as she shook with tears. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I love you.”
Her words were a soothing balm on a wound that Angel didn’t even know he had. Despite the cold and the damp and the fear, Angel felt himself smiling. Holding her tightly against him, he let the world slip away.
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