I was hurting, I could not breathe anymore, I found myself taking deep breaths constantly, I questioned my mortality daily. I regretted, I hurt, I grieved I was angry. It was like a giant fog was enveloping me, and only me.   I wanted this ride to stop, I wanted to get off, I wanted it all to end, I had had enough of living and pain. Before I realized it a year had passed, Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter had passed. Children had been born and family had passed on, Where was I? Where had I been? I realized everyone else was continuing on around me, the world had not stopped because I had, I was the one who had stopped living.   As each day came something woke up inside of me and then it was like a slap in the face, "life does move on, people I knew had moved on, family had moved on, I was in a time warp.  And then I started seeing the sun glowing a beautiful orange, stars at night, butterflies, lakes, children,  I was alive again It was like I was a bear hibernating through the long winter months, I woke up to beauty all around, I realized that God gives us a new day everyday to start again, not to forget everything that hurts, but to move on and see good in the days ahead.  When my son died I thought I died too. If you had Said to be that it would get better, and believe me people did or You will have more children I probably would have said "You don't understand how I feel, how can I get better, I will never be the same person again". The tender love of a parent for a child may be the purest and most sacrificial kind of love that any human being can know. A mother shared with me that when a child dies you have a funeral in your heart everyday for the rest of your life, she said that the only thing that got better where the eulogies, as the years went on the memories were happier and not so intense or sad but they were still played out in the heart and mind.  I now know that it is precisely because of this intense bond with a child that parents grieve so deeply when their child dies, this I find is regardless of age or circumstance. When you lose a child, words cannot begin to heal your broken heart or take away your pain, but with time, healing does happen. My mind and emotions were shielded by shock. I am now thankful that we all have this shield. There is a calm feeling of unreality. The numbness I felt permitted me to make decisions and choices in a fog like state. I really believed this was a bad dream from which I would awaken and everything would be as it had been before. Looking back in retrospect, I now call this time of grieving "Mind Insulation" I believe it is one of the ways that we as parents can get through this time. The pain in your heart needs to be allowed to creep in a little at a time according to your timetable of acceptance not anyone else's timetable for you. There are many different responses to the pain or grief that you feel. Some people mourn with visible suffering, while others internalize their sorrow. The outward signs of your sadness do not always reflect how you feel on the inside. My own grief was so deep that I could not even carry through every day events. I cried a lot on my own, but tears hurt, my heart and soul was so badly damaged that it actually hurt to shed tears. Nothing in my life made sense, even daily routines were too much for me to carry through. I went on but I did not function as a "so-called" normal person. I would try to do things only to end up on the couch laid out as a vegetable on a buffet table, no emotions, no energy.  I would watch soap operas and cry over others tragedies, I would watch commercials with babies and fall apart and cry for hours on end in a empty house.  I entered the dream world of TV land, where happy endings where a half hour away and wondered why my happy ending had not yet come. When my son died my husband and I cried and held each other, My husband then stopped crying, talking and laughing. I could not understand how he turned off his emotions and I started to hate and blame him. He on the other hand went more into himself. I was so caught up in myself that I lost him. I could never go back to the way it was before. I was feeling more alone than I had ever felt in my life, I now had to move forward. I now know that parents each suffer a special burden at the time of loss, but even in marriage, each parent must seek and find support in his or her own way. It is difficult for parents whose agony seems to be crushing their every breath to be thoughtful, compassionate, and supportive of anyone else, including each other. We need to recognize that grief is not a time when you can lean on your spouse or your children.

Give each other the space to individualize your sorrow. From the moment a child is born, parents feel a sense of responsibility. When your child dies, you blame yourself because somehow you failed in this most sacred trust by not keeping your child out of harms way. You feel that your child's death somehow resulted from a failure on your part. Anger often mixes with this guilt and it is not always clear where to direct the anger and rage you feel. My first reaction was it should have been me, not my child and the other reaction was how can that one be having a child, she is not as good a person or mother as I would have been. Why God can she have all these children and my child was taken. So many questions, no answers. A baby shower was the worst thing that you could ask me too. My anger and hatred was so deep that I constantly thought this is not fair. Why them and not me. Who could be happy for someone else, when so many emotions are running through your mind. I have been told by other parents who lost children that they are angry at the child for going away and leaving them with all this suffering.  I have also heard and felt that a new child in the family was the worst thing that could happen to me. How could I feel joy for them and their new child when I was so unhappy. As soon as these thoughts surface, however, the guilt they produce pushes them back inside themselves. Confusion is another emotion that we deal with. When all these emotions are vented in a safe way, anger can and is a healthy emotion. Anger is essential to express without causing danger or harm to yourself or others. Some people feel better if they can make a lot of noise. One mother told me she could not stand being alone and quiet. Some people feel better if they have a lot of noise around. It is understandable to feel tremendous anger toward God for the tragedy that has fallen on you. I would go to Church and cry all the way through Mass. Write a letter to God expressing your anger, with time you will come to realize that God did not cause your suffering but rather suffers with you. I wrote many letters to God during my grief and then would sit with a big ashtray and burn them. It made me feel better that no one would see the terrible thoughts and feelings I was having towards God, but burning them also gave me a sense of freedom. Keep a journal, express your outrage, your guilt, your fear. Whatever you are feeling, it will take time to work through all the powerful emotions of grief. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Allow others to help. Try to find a trusted and understanding friend, tell them how you feel, share your fears, grief and feelings that you think are utterly stupid. You will have found the right person when you can say over and over how you feel and that person just listens, cries with you and then reaches out to you. No one will be able to take the pain away, but for someone to just listen helps you to hear yourself also. Healing can only happen when we can talk openly about our heartache and memories. I found that when I spoke to other people who suffered my pain I found it helped my pain. The biggest piece of advice I have learned in all of this is to face fear and learn to trust again. Fear often lurks in shadows and we who mourn frequently feel vulnerable and defenseless. I was afraid that my child would be forgotten-never by me but perhaps by others who had not held him close to their hearts. People would tell me to "let go" it sounded so cold and mean. I thought this is so easy for them to say, since most people do not understand the depth of your pain. The thought of letting go felt like I was abandoning my child and all this child had meant to me. Never would I forget and never would I stop loving. My biggest fear was I would forget what my child looked like, remember his presence, his voice, his smile. 23 year later I still remember my son, not the tubes, not the hospital, not the staff, but a beautiful little boy who would hold my finger and make my heart leap with love and joy.  The hardest part for me is not having a picture to look at, only the memories pasted to a mothers heart.  My son died at 6 weeks but that will never change the pain and grief I have suffered.  I have spoken to parents and have a parent who lost a son or daughter as young adults, they feel the same pain as a parent who lost a newborn, love is love and loss is loss no matter the age or circumstance.  A grieving parent feels like they are going insane and is especially vulnerable to anxieties about remaining children and loved ones. Will they be safe? What can I do to keep tragedy from striking again? How could I bear another loss? When my second son was born I would not bathe or carry him because I was afraid I would hurt him. When I held him I was afraid he too would die. I was afraid to love him for fear he too would leave me. The fears I had were so real I thought I was going to have to be put away. There are no magic words or responses to these anxieties. But you will work through your feelings, you will actually find that healing gradually and mysteriously begins to occur. Your anxieties will slowly fade into the background and life will resume some balance. With time you will discover that even though you have been changed in deep and lasting way, you will learn to trust life and God once again.  When my son died I was awoken in the middle of the night by a presence, I sat alone in my living room and could see nothing but a bright light.  I did not see anyone or anything just a great white light, but the words I heard and walked away with on my heart will be there forever, I to this day believe that God spoke to me and  to other parents who have lost, God told me that he loved me and suffered with me at this time, he told me that even though we look for answers to our loss here on earth, the answers are not to be found here, he said when I felt the most alone to look for him that he was with me, and that I should always believe in him no matter how hard times and days would be.   At the time I did not think I could ever believe again, but as days and years went by I realized that God was the one constant in my life, I found myself  talking to him in a whole new way.  He was not some great  face that I saw in pictures, he was not in the bible I neglected to read, his love was constant, he was with me always, and he reminded me he was with me daily, God never left my side whenever I doubted or cried, I cried out in his name, I found words of comfort that I still feel were not mine but his, I found a gift to put my thoughts on paper, this gift helped me through long days and lonely nights.  God did not give me great words of advice, but I did feel warmth in his presence, I felt sorrow and loss but at the same time I felt peace.  No mind boggling miracles happened that night as in burning bushes or waters parting, but a miracle of peace happened, a peace that let me continue on in my pain,  a peace that allowed me to smile when someone needed a smile,  a peace that allowed me to speak with others who suffered and understood my loss, to cry with them and laugh with them over memories that only a parent can share.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my child, and after much time on your journey you will celebrate your child's life instead of dwelling on their death. I still have moments of intense pain, but many more moments of love, contentment and peace.

Now lets talk about giving yourself time. Its time to pull yourself together and get on with your life." Someone has probably handed you that piece of advice; you may even be saying it to yourself, and so now you slam the door against your grief, only to have it appear at the window. Your sleep is troubled, your disposition edgy. Your heart takes double whaps and you think the end is coming, you start having panic attacks, What's wrong with you? Nothing! You are suffering from loss and grief.  No matter whether your grief seems too deep or too long-lasting or too shameful, you cannot make it go away any more than you can make a broken bone fix itself overnight. A shattered heart needs two things before healing can happen, proper attention and sufficient time. In the meantime it is going to hurt, very much, very long and very intensely.  People do not enjoy pain, most of us want to deny it or escape from it. We try to have a stiff upper lip or stay busy, we drink, we smoke, and we take medication. Other people often add to our confusion. Our society expects people to be back at work a few days after death, acting like everything is great. We think other family members grieve, but then they too stop coming around. They stop talking to you about personal things.  In the beginning everyone is there for you but after the funeral they all seem to disappear into the woodwork. My parents tried to help me my taking all the responsibility of the burial of my son to themselves.  The fact that they tried to protect me was understandable but it was the fact that I did not have time to believe my child was dead or a chance to say goodbye. After 10 years of terrible nightmares where I would wake my whole household up yelling that someone was missing in the house, running from room to room looking for a missing child that was not there, and many years of believing that it was all a lie and that my son was alive and well, I finally had to say I love you very much my precious child and I let you go this day in peace. In my mind I picture my child sitting at the feet of Jesus and looking into his beautiful, smiling face and being held tenderly by Jesus' mother Mary when he needs a special hug. My heart will never be the same. I had to finally say I now know you are gone from my life as I know it. Yes my child is gone, but his spirit is with me everyday.  His spirit is all that he was and would have been, his body is not here with me but his spirit is with me and etched in my heart.  His eyes and smile are in the faces of my other children.   I have been through this and survived.  The hardest part of going on is saying goodbye to the past and leaving it where it lies. The hardest words I ever spoke were "My child is dead. Some time ago I had a special person tell me that they had done some tests on her and found that her child would die soon after birth. The best advice I had was hold, love and smother your child with kisses. Let your husband and children share in your grieving. Let them come into the room and each hold their beautiful baby. When the baby was born. Everyone in her family was in the room, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and brothers and sisters. She said it hurt to know that her child was on borrowed time. The greatest gift you can give is love, lots of love. Each of us is on borrowed time, take today for  the gift it is.  Tomorrow will be here soon enough.  The baby died several hours later in his mother's arms knowing love from all the members of its family. Did it make it any easier for her? No it did not, but it gave her a chance to say good-bye and show her love. Some of us didn't get that chance and looking back we wish we had. We as parents had to go on questioning everything we did on the day our child died. Did I say I loved my child that day, did I hug my child this morning.  If it was an older child we ask “were we fighting?  If it was a newborn child we question what we did, what we ate, drank that endangered this precious child. These are all normal reactions to a death of someone we love very much. Brothers and Sisters feel this same guilt. They too suffer and feel the same emotions you feel. Just because they are in a different relationship with their sibling, does not mean they do not feel the same emotions you do, they hurt, they grieve and they feel guilt. In a siblings eyes the relationship they have with a brother or sister is a link with the past and a promise of the future. When you lose a sibling everything that should have been in your life is gone, they feel the same loss you feel, just as strong and painful and never-ending. Be considerate of your other children through this time. Talk with them, explain how you feel no matter how hard it is.  When my brother was killed my mother and I would share a story and then start crying at the same time. I don't think she realized that I had the same emotions she had of guilt, anger and fear. Although it is felt with intense emotions, grief itself is not a feeling. It is a process, a slow journey toward acceptance and peace. And it is a hard journey, a long letting go of someone who was important to us in more ways than you have yet fully realized. Sorrow, loneliness, depression, anger guilt, self-pity, helplessness, and frustration, all these feelings sap your ability to function. You may question your faith and you will most likely question your sanity. Grieving takes times. Just when things begin to look better the calendar slaps you with another reminder of your loss. The first year is filled with many traps, but so are following years. Important dates that slipped by you in the fog of early loss can hurt more the second time around. Brace yourself for a long haul. Everyone's timetable is different, but few people heal in less than two years. Some people need much longer. This is normal. It is very tempting to shut yourself off from others or yourself, to try to recover the numbness you may have felt for the first few days by throwing yourself into work or household routines, or through mood-altering substances, take it from me none of these quick fixers work. The feelings you bury will not go away. They will only be buried below the surface for years to come. They may come to the surface without warning in ways that are not good for you or the people around you. They will destroy your physical and mental health. Facing the pain on the other hand, allows you to work through it, to admit to yourself, how deeply your loss runs. Only then can you gradually ease your grip on the past and face the life ahead of you with restored energy and yes, eventually happiness. Pray, Keep praying, even when it is hard. If words won't come just put yourself in God's hands and know that you are never really alone. Recall the history that your faith cherishes, of God's constant show of love for his people who cried out in sorrow. Let the tears flow. According to Jewish folklore, Adam and Eve left Eden, God's heart stirred with pity for them. The Creator called them back and gave them a precious gift to ease the difficult times ahead: A TEAR. You may have found that your tears make other people uncomfortable. You may find them troubling yourself. That does not mean you should not cry. Crying is good for you it is unshed tears that make your head and stomach hurt. Falling tears wash out some of the pain and relieve damaging stress.  Depression drains energy. Sometimes just getting out of bed is more exhausting than a hard day's work. Make it a daily habit to applaud yourself for what you have accomplished. Never mind how short the list is. One woman wrote that brushing her hair and putting on make-up was an accomplishment. On some days it was a major success. Look back and see how far you have come. Count the things you never thought you could do again. Be as good to yourself as you would to someone dear who is feeling blue. Allow yourself to waste time when you are weary. Your loss will never go away. Don't kid yourself. But it will not always be a big hole ready to swallow you up. The memories that torment you now will become your treasure. Letting go of a deceased love one is a scary thought for most people. Doing grief work does not wipe out the memory of a loved one. On the contrary, one of the real challenges of this time of bereavement is to create a new relationship with your loved one without a physical presence. As Robert Anderson, playwright of "I Never Sang For My Father, beautifully states "Death ends a life, not a relationship." You now will face the task of creating that new relationship, one of heart, mind and spirit. Incorporating your loved one's values and passions into your own life and passing them on to others will create a living memorial that will keep alive the essence of your loved one and bring your comfort. Allow the bittersweet memories to carve a holy place deep in your soul where you know your love one will always be. Once that love is secure, you will find renewed energy for creating your new life. My mother and I started a memorial scholarship in memory of our loved one for a child's education. Contact a private school in your area, they have needs for scholarship programs for students who need financial assistance. Every year my loved ones memory will be carried on though the education of a child. One day you will look in the mirror and see someone who is whole and healthy and smiling, someone who has journeyed through the long dark tunnel of grief and reached peace. The best part is that someone will be you. The words of Rose Kennedy, a mother who had to survive her share of deaths among her children was stated so beautifully "BIRDS SING AFTER A STORM; WHY SHOULDN'T PEOPLE FEEL AS FREE TO DELIGHT IN WHATEVER DAYS REMAINS TO THEM? Please remember there are people out there that care, use them God gave us each other to help us get through these long, dark and lonely days. Sometimes you just have to reach out and ask, and don't think that the people you have to reach out to have to fully understand your loss. I have spoken with people who have never had any dealings with loss like mine, but I found they were the most compassionate and caring when I just needed to vent, I was not asking for someone to understand I was just asking for someone to listen. Luckily God has blessed me with special friends who just hand me a tissue when I cry and give me a hug, no questions asked, or explanations needed. You have special people like that in your like, you just have not reached out yet, believe me one day you will reach out and trust again. Life really does move on, even though right now you doubt tomorrow will come, never mind next year, but It will, You will find yourself looking at tomorrow instead of searching out yesterday. And when you start looking towards tomorrow you will do it with a smile on your face and much love in your heart. You will also find that you have turned into a more compassionate and caring person that you were before. That is when you will know God blessed you with the promise of tomorrow and it is now today. Take one more look in the mirror at that smiling face, it really is there and yes it really is you. God Bless you and grant you peace on your journey!!

Written by Lorraine Anctil. This document can *not* be used, copied or altered in any way.

Changes last made on: Tue May 25, 2004