My abuse started 'officially' when I was
8 months old. I had a broken left arm and a broken left leg. I was
removed from the home by CPS. No one ever discoved who was actually
responsible but the doctors and caseworkers noted that the abuse had
to have been very violent for those injuries to have occurred. Parental
rights were terminated when I was 2 1/2 and at age 3 I was placed in an
adoptive home setting. In that home I was severely abused by the 'mother'.
This abuse included force feeding until I couldn't breath, creating
unattainable goals for a 3 year old and then beating me for not reaching
the goals, I still carry the scars of those beatings. She took away
anything that she thought I had an emotional attachment to, I would be
locked in a dark cellar for hours and after bathtime she would pinch and
squeeze my genital area in an attempt to hurt me even more. A ministers
wife uncovered the abuse after taking me to the restroom and discovering
that I was black and blue from head to toe under my clothes.
Once again CPS stepped in and I was moved on. Finally, at age 5 I was
adopted by a physician and his wife, who was a nurse. Things went
okay, although I avoided my adopted father. I truly think I was afraid to
cause another jealousy conflict that I was told had triggered the abuse
when I was three.
At the age of 8 my adopted father began sexually abusing me. I remember
the first part of the first time it happened and then for the next
three years I have very little memory of my life at all. Its like those years
did not exist. Sometime during those years my mother had discovered
the abuse and I'm told it stopped. She stayed with my father but I had an
intense hatred for him that I recall starting around age 13. Also, at
13 I lost my virginity in a date-rape situation. The male was very
controlling and I felt no one would want me if he left me, so I put up
with a lot before having a near nervous breakdown right before I turned
14. I was hanging on by my fingertips and I knew that if I let go my
mind would shatter into a million fragments and I'd never get back
again. I tried to throw myself into my religion and my parochial school
friends, joined a singing group that toured the USA, did mission work
in Mexico and those were the happiest times of my life. But I had so many
emotional problems that my parents started me in counseling at age 16,
one hour per week and it was devestating for me. Once again I could
not handle the emotions and began drinking heavily. Two months before my
18th birthday I tried to committ suicide for the third time. After
being rushed to the hospital for slitting my wrists, a judge ordered me into
a psych hospital for a one week eval. During family counseling my father
refused to admit that anything he had done had harmed me in any way and
on the way home from the hospital he told me not to do 'it' again
unless I was going to get it right next time, because the hospitals cost too
much money. I was hurt but I had learned a valuable lesson. I had to
let go of the anger because I was destroying myself and I wasn't going
to give him the satisfaction! I forgave him at age 18 and moved out on
my own. I met a man who was 6 years older than me and after two months
we moved in together. He ended up being very abusive, Suzy story really
hit the mark in a lot of instances. I felt guilty and he told me that I
was undesirable to anyone but him and without him I was nothing. He
used my adoption and past abuse as proof of my unworthiness and taintedness.
After two years I armed myself with what friends I had left and moved
out because I knew he would kill me someday if I stayed. I worked as a
topless dancer to avoid crawling back home to mom and dad. But when I
became pregnant I had no other choice. My son really saved me. I was
just starting into the hardcore drug scene when I found out and I
walked away from it all, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, everything for him to
have a healthy start in life. The baby's father and my boyfriend at the time
later married and are doing very well financially. Our son is four
years old and beautiful. He has never been in preschool or day care because I
don't trust anyone with him.
Recently I had sunk into a deep depression and was having suicidal
thoughts again, fear of losing control, being easily overwhelmed by
everything, lethargy etc... So I have started counseling and seeing a
psychiatrist. Also my husband and I are in marriage counseling. I
already feel better about myself but I now understand that these are
feelings that usually cannot be dealt with once and that is it forever,
your healed! These feelings may come back from time to time and I will
have to battle my dragons again in the future but it will get easier
each time. Intellectually I know that it was not my fault what
happened to me but emotionally is where it counts and I still feel guilt
sometimes. For 25 years I have felt tainted and apart from others, like
I didn't fit in anywhere. Now I have hope, I have a journey of
discovery where I get to define who I am, instead of others telling me who I am
or should be. I have the control and I feel important enough to deserve
what other people deserve. Counseling, a consistant exercise routine
and returning to college to finish my degree have been my biggest self
confidence boosters.
There is hope out there and if you aren't ready for the counseling, or
it hasn't worked in the past for you, there are alternatives and maybe
someday you will reach a point where you feel prepared to face
counseling and stare your demons down.
Through God all things are possible!
ICQ# 1174070-DSZeRo (funky charmap symbols), tulip patch
dszero@hotmail.com