It started when I was about 3 years old. My father had wanted a boy and told me so from the day I was born. The early years, I remember were easy to deal with compared to what I was in for. It started as fondling, insertion of small objects. Like carrots and hot dogs etc. He would tell me little girls deserved this, little girls wanted this. But little girls never spoke of this. He told me if I was to tell no one would believe me and he would do it again and again and again until I believed it was what I deserved. He told me all the other little girls enjoyed this!! The abuse was not only sexual. My father wanted me to believe I was a boy. He would make me play with boy toys, he taught me how to shoot a gun (although never let me near it other then out in the yard, when he was watching every move), he made me dress like a boy, talk like a boy and just completely act like a boy. He made me play with his penis so I would know what it felt like, what I was missing for not being a boy, He would pin me down on the floor and make me fight back, said to be a boy I had to be mean, I had to learn how to fight like a boy. I had to learn how to climb trees like a boy. Could never wear dresses unless my mother said people would look at me odd if I did not wear one for this occasion. He also brain washed me to believe that no one would like me, no one would love me. I would spend forever alone, I was worthless, I was just plain nothing not even good enough to be dog poop on a shoe. This man made me belive I had nothing to offer anyone at any time in my life. He made me feel ugly, dirty, and that I should have never been born. Unfortunately, to this day I believe much of that. To this day I have a hard time accepting compliments, love, and acceptance. I am always waiting for that other shoe to drop, I am waiting for everyone to see what I really am and have them leave forever. I am waiting for the world to fall in on itself. All because of what this man taught me as a child.

As I got older things got worse. It went from objects to himself, He started with just fingers then eventually moved on from there. He would use his genitals, broom handles, coke bottles, ketsup bottles, and anything else he could find at that moment. Even used my own Barbies on me from time to time. Problem was he would not just insert them vaginally, he would put them wherever he could fit them..... even if it did not fit.. he made it fit. If I would fight he would beat me to unconsciousness. If he had his knife with him he would use that on me to stop. He would cut me wherever he could reach at that moment. I have been through 10 different major surgeries to remove the scars of those nights. And it was never just a little nick. Never just a threat. He would cut to kill. I have had times that I have lost so much blood the doctors still wonder why I am alive. Times I wondered why I lived. Because many of those nights I did not want to go on. Even now there are moments I wish I would have just let go back then.

As time went on I grew stronger, I started working out lifting weights. I wanted some defense, I wanted a way to fight back. Guess I was lucky because I had a will that was not easily broken and found some inner strength to fight for my life. He would threaten me with my life. He insisted he was going to kill me. Unfortunately, he realized why I was weight lifting and decided that had to stop. So one night when he came to my room, he decided to dislocate both of my hips so that I could not continue to lift. After he did that he had his way with me. He did not hear the screams, he did not hear my pleas. My mother just sat in the living room and cried. Even now I can still feel the pain, I can still hear my pleas of mercy. My begging God just to let me die. Spent time in the hospital and loved every second of it... no abuse. No daddy. Was wonderful. The problem was at the time I tried to tell people no one believed me. Back then the laws were different and my dad always had a great excuse for what had happened to me. I spoke with a priest, he told me to trust in God. I asked him where was God when this... this....person was doing this to me? Why was he allowing this to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?? The preist had no answer, all he did was pray and pray. He never even tried to help me. And I was stupid enough to believe if he will not help me then daddy must be right....God how wrong I was!!!!! He just just a stupid man who only saw what my father said and only believed what he wanted to. Looking back I feel sorry for him. I had only become midnight's child, he became a coward. So all I could do was fight and hide within myself when my fighting did not work.

When I became 20 I decided I had no choice but to get away. I had to get out to survive. I did not have skills enough to get a good job and support myself. Did not have enough money to get far far away from this person. So, I decided I would go into the military. Off I went... starting a new life for myself.. finally free..... Thinking life is wonderful... I can start all over again... I can be on my own with no fears of him hurting me again..... until........ they tell me I am pregnant..... My life is over I think... he will get me no matter which way I go. He has done it to me again, will I ever get away will I ever be free?? Or will I spend the rest of my life in shame and pain? So I do the only thing I can at that point in my life..... I end the pregnancy. I am lucky at this point in my life, I have a good friend Stephanie, she and her parents were there with me when I had it done. Her parents became parents to me. They showed me what a REAL family should look like. They were there when I woke up at 2am and called... they would listen. They opened their door to me and allowed me to hide. But they did not know how to help me. They did not have a lot of money. They had kids of their own to raise. But they gave me the support to go on when all I wanted to do was end my life, when all I wanted to do was run from the pain and end it all....From the bottom of my heart Steph and Mom and Dad.... I thank you and I love you!!!!!!! If not for you I would not be where I am today!! If not for you I would not have the courage to write this down for the world to see...and hopefully for one person to benifit from my pain. Well then I left for the military. Yes it was my fathers child (in case you are wondering). Even though I thought the only way to keep a man happy was to have sex with him. I slept with so many men its not even funny. But the more I did it....... the worse I felt. I was smart I did always use protection and the only one who never did was dad.

I went through boot camp and learned that there was more to life then sex. There was more to ME then sex. And I grew to hate sex.... The thought of the touch... makes my skin crawl because that's what daddy did. The kiss... that's what daddy did...... I learned to stand on my own to feet and love being a woman.... a strong woman who held some serious secrets. Then I met a man..... the most loving understanding man in the world. Who led me to understand what love really means. Who lead me to learn what making love was all about. Who taught me that there is so much more to life then pain. I still have somethings to work on in myself. But with the love, the strength and the understanding from my husband... I am moving on.. Thank you baby... you are the best thing I could have asked for in life! And you have given me 2 wonderful children to love and teach how to love others. You have given me more then I have ever thought I deserved!! I will love you forever!!

Yes I still have many many scars.... emotional ones only anymore. Well some physical. But I am here today and alive today to let you know that there is more in life then abuse. You do not deserve the abuse.. no one does. But some people are sick and its not your fault!!!!!! You have done nothing wrong!!!!! And I mean NOTHING!!!!! Please look at the resources on this page. Please no matter how scared you are or how horrible you feel talk to someone get some help... Because you are not alone... believe me we are out here to tell our story!!! And no one will ever hurt us or you again. I want to take all of those injured in under my wing and make you proud to say I AM A SURVIVOR!!!!! Because as you see in my story (which is still not the whole story) that there is life out there, there is hope. There is love. And please if you need help... find it. I know you are scared, I know you do not feel worthy of the help....Neither did I... But you are and I am too. Ok you are thinking "but you are not me, you do not know how I feel, you do not know what I AM going through." Yes I do! I know more then words can ever say how you feel! I know how scared you are and I know you feel there is somethign you have doen to deserve it, or that no one will love you if you report it. Or he/she will do something to get you back. Or hurt someone you love. But you need to think of you first right now. Look at yourself in the mirror... Go on do it... And look into your eyes.. deep .... no do not look away.... look and see who is there.... is that person worth happiness?? Can that person smile now??? You are worth it!! Trust me on this one!

While daddy was doing this I allowed others to hurt me. I did not know any other way...I did not know that I do not deserve abuse! A guy I dated beat me, another raped me, and another has tried to kill me. At one time because of the outside abuse I had a fractured jaw, fractured vertebrae, all my ribs broken, nicked heart, collapsed lung, and a face so swollen I could not see.
Well, I have had a few people ask me what happened in the end of all this. My father passed away in 1994 due to bone cancer. I saw him on his death bed and did something I never thought I would be able to do............. I forgave him. A giant weight was lifted off my chest that day. I looked at this shell of a man and said "I know you are a sick man, I hope God can help you now...... I do forgive what you have doen to me... But please never expect me to forget." Those were the hardest words that have ever left my lips. I never thought I could do it. But to tell you the truth it was the biggest step in my healing. Some people can never forgive, some can. The only thing I can really suggest.... is forgive yourself first!!!!! The guys who beat me up? Well one of them is in jail, one is dead (not at my hands, although I wish), and the other is now abusing someone else. I tried to warn her but she would not listen.... now she regrets not listening.......
Please find the help.... Do not be a statistic, do not allow another day of abuse go on... You are better then that. You deserve better. Go to a parent, a teacher, a police officer, a counselor... anyone and i mean ANYONE who can get you out!!! If you want to talk, or just want to share your story please feel free to email me!! I will talk at anytime!!!!

just click the link to send me email :s) You may also ICQ me at #26934279

With love,
Stacey
Be Strong and follow your heart.

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